7.21.2010

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

I’m frustrated at the weird in-between place my life is right now. There are so many things I want to do, but I can’t do any of them until something else happens, something that is completely out of my control.

I want to go to grad school, but because I want a teaching assistantship, I have to wait until January 2011 to submit new work to George Mason University to be considered. Then I would have to wait until September 2011 to start school. STOP.

I want to buy a house, and I am financially able and ready to do so all on my own… but how do you buy a house on your own when you want to have that “first-home” experience with your husband, and when your husband is actually your current, heel dragging boyfriend of 2 years. STOP.

I want to drop everything and follow the “around the world travelling itinerary” that I made for myself, experience other cultures, get odd jobs and teach English in Japan. But I want to experience it with someone, preferably my current boyfriend, but we agreed we wouldn’t attempt that until we get married… and I have NO idea when THAT’s happening. STOP.

I want to get a dog, but I live in an apartment without insulation, without central air, and without a yard, and I don’t want to move again until I buy a house… which I won’t do until I get married. STOP.

I want to do so many more things like this, but I feel like I am being forced to stop at all of these stop signs, where I just sit alone, waiting for everything else to catch up, and while my friends and family just do nothing more than tap the breaks at every single sign, and continue on. It seems like everyone is moving, getting married, going back to school, taking steps forward in their futures… steps I am willing to take, that I want to take, but I can’t.

And I don’t know how to make it better.

Any suggestions?
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3 comments:

Matt Vaudrey said...

You sound like my wife. After we got married, she wanted to sprint to the end of the race having passed the marriage, grad school, and house checkpoints. The truth is, having all those things doesn't make you any more or less fulfilled, it just makes you feel like you're doing something. And what's the rush.

So my suggestion is, in the words of my father, "Don't confuse motion with progress."

And I'm happy to see that you're writing. I felt like we had a lot in common during undergrad, but not enough classes together to become good friends.

July 21, 2010 at 4:44 PM
Jillian Liota said...

Thanks for the "Don't confuse motion with progress" quote. I've never heard that before, but I like it :)

So, what Matt is this?

July 21, 2010 at 5:21 PM
annacorinn said...

Jillian,

I am so sorry about all of your frustrations - but I must say, you should be very proud of where you sit right now in life. At least you see the "stop signs" that come up on the road of life (instead of ignoring them and getting yourself into trouble later). You have such a bright head on your shoulders!

I totally agree with the previous post that there is no rush for anything in life. It may seem like everyone around you has all of their ducks in a row, but believe me, it probably is just a facade, or you may not know the entire picture. It is hard to not compare yourself to others, but when you stop comparing, your life may not seem like it is moving so slow after all. I think that each step in life should be savored or else you will get to the end of the race feeling empty. (This is a lesson that I need to repeat to myself).

Hang in there friend, the time for all of the desires of your heart will come at the perfect time. Be very excited!

Love you!

July 21, 2010 at 5:47 PM

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