Have a Little Faith

I have been so lacking in the faith department recently. I get all emotional and upset and worked up over things that are out of my control because… well,… because those things are out of MY control.

One thing I always seem to forget is that God does not ignore me. When I pray and ask for something to happen in my life, for something to work out, sometimes he says yes. And ya, sometimes he says no. But other times, he is just saying, “Wait. Have patience.”

I have been anxious, lately. Am I going to graduate on time? Oh crap, I forgot to take the GRE! Will I have a job when I graduate? Will I ever date again? Will my classes count for my major? This isn’t how things are supposed to be working!

Last week, after stressing big time about whether or not a class would count towards graduation for over a month, I reminded myself that, even if I am not in control, God is. He always is. Today, I checked my DegreeWorks and saw that the school had approved my class, and I am going to graduate.

I decided recently that I want to get my masters in Student Affairs and work at a university. But I didn’t realize grad school applications are usually due in January, therefore, I didn’t take the GRE soon enough to get the scores in. Yesterday, I found several universities that don’t require the GRE that still have programs that sound amazing, AND I found out that if I work at the High Sierra program during the year, something that sounds like a perfect fit for me, APU will pay for my degree!

The dating thing…. haven’t had any miracle stories there. The guy I could seriously spend the rest of my life with, the guy who has told me he is attracted to me, is still choosing to be my best friend/big brother instead of recognizing the fact that it is time he grew up and asked me on a date. And, let’s be honest, guys have never really been knocking down my door.

So maybe this is a waiting period. Maybe there are things I need to experience, or grow in, or become, before the dating time of my life can really begin. And I know God knows what is going to happen. He can see how it will all fall into place. But even though I know that, it is hard to trust Him with my future, regardless of the fact that He has been so faithful to me for my entire life.

I guess I just need to have a little patience, and have a little faith.

Call Back

The person it is most difficult to get a hold of in my life is my dad. It doesn’t matter why I am calling him, he usually won’t answer. I have never really understood why. My only guess is that he doesn’t answer the phone for anyone. But that has not ever really made me feel any better.

I guess the reason it is hard is because of the way I feel when he doesn’t call me back. It is like I am not important enough. It is like somehow, calling me back makes me an inconvenience on him, like he is too busy to remember, like I am not worth taking five minutes just to see if there is something I need to talk with him about.

I hate that this has spilled into the rest of my life. Somehow, I have taught myself that if someone doesn’t call me back, it is because they don’t really care, or because they don’t want to talk to me, or because they don’t want to be bothered.

I always attract these men… the ones who don’t call back. I try to understand, I try to remember that people have lives and that they get busy. But when it hits a week and I haven’t heard back, I feel like screaming.

The only way my dad will call me back, I have learned, is if I cry onto the answering machine. The great thing about him though, is that he always knows he is wrong for not calling me, and he is my dad, so if I cry he takes it seriously, and I don’t have to really care or worry whether or not he thinks I am an overly emotional freak… because he is my dad.

With other men, though, it isn’t the same. If I cried onto the phone to get someone to call me back, they would think I was crazy and then really have a reason to not call me. And the last thing I would want to do is push someone away.

Even if I am crazy.