Semi-rejection and God Things

Having not heard back from Arkansas, Baltimore, Hollins and Notre Dame, I figured it must be time to get into contact with the 2 schools who have wait-listed me to see how things are moving.

First, George Mason University - The woman I spoke with was very kind, but had no new information and asked that I call back at the end of the week, as there should be more news.

Second, University of North Carolina at Wilmington - I have been in email contact with a woman named Lavonne and she informed me about two weeks ago that she would notify me if there were any changes. I got fidgety, so I emailed her to see if there was any movement on the wait-list, and she promptly emailed me back to let me know it is highly unlikely that an offer of admission will be extended to me, as the group of students who have been admitted seem happy to accept, and I am nowhere near the front of the wait-list. 

I hate rejection. I realize that everyone hates that feeling, so saying "I hate rejection" is like saying "I hate getting punched in the face" - it's pretty much just a given. But the amount of rejection I am getting is overwhelming. And it doesn't help that my boyfriend tells me "I know how you feel" because he has been rejected by girls before. I'm sorry, but this is not the same thing, and he does NOT know how I feel. With relationships, it's a quick pain (or maybe a long one) but it's one time. These girls weren't then showing up at his door saying they weren't interested a few days later, only to remind him of the hurt.

I am getting rejection letters and "we think you have promise, but not as much as all these other people" letters. I have received 3 rejections (now 4, practically) and 1 wait-list.

I WANT GOOD NEWS! I NEED GOOD NEWS! I don't want to sit in this funk anymore... this dreadful grey area... like I have an inability to see the good in anything good. I try to be positive and believe that everything will work out, but it's so hard. And I hate when people say, "If you trust in the Lord there is nothing to worry about." That's bullshit. Of course I trust God for my future. Of course I have faith. But that doesn't mean I can't be pissed off or upset or depressed or feel rejected or worried because I don't know what to do next. I'm not just going to pretend to be happy and "joyful in the Lord" to make all my Christian friends happy. And I'm not going to sit on my ass and not make any decisions because "God is in control." 

Like I said, I don't want to sit in this funk anymore.

Have a Little Faith

I have been so lacking in the faith department recently. I get all emotional and upset and worked up over things that are out of my control because… well,… because those things are out of MY control.

One thing I always seem to forget is that God does not ignore me. When I pray and ask for something to happen in my life, for something to work out, sometimes he says yes. And ya, sometimes he says no. But other times, he is just saying, “Wait. Have patience.”

I have been anxious, lately. Am I going to graduate on time? Oh crap, I forgot to take the GRE! Will I have a job when I graduate? Will I ever date again? Will my classes count for my major? This isn’t how things are supposed to be working!

Last week, after stressing big time about whether or not a class would count towards graduation for over a month, I reminded myself that, even if I am not in control, God is. He always is. Today, I checked my DegreeWorks and saw that the school had approved my class, and I am going to graduate.

I decided recently that I want to get my masters in Student Affairs and work at a university. But I didn’t realize grad school applications are usually due in January, therefore, I didn’t take the GRE soon enough to get the scores in. Yesterday, I found several universities that don’t require the GRE that still have programs that sound amazing, AND I found out that if I work at the High Sierra program during the year, something that sounds like a perfect fit for me, APU will pay for my degree!

The dating thing…. haven’t had any miracle stories there. The guy I could seriously spend the rest of my life with, the guy who has told me he is attracted to me, is still choosing to be my best friend/big brother instead of recognizing the fact that it is time he grew up and asked me on a date. And, let’s be honest, guys have never really been knocking down my door.

So maybe this is a waiting period. Maybe there are things I need to experience, or grow in, or become, before the dating time of my life can really begin. And I know God knows what is going to happen. He can see how it will all fall into place. But even though I know that, it is hard to trust Him with my future, regardless of the fact that He has been so faithful to me for my entire life.

I guess I just need to have a little patience, and have a little faith.

Critiques and Grace

I wonder when it was that people at this school became so critical of each other. I mean, is it really that important to bluntly and rudely critique someone for being imperfect?

I have been going through some really hard stuff in my personal life recently, and I have found that my tolerance level for being told on a regular basis all the ways in which I am living my life incorrectly, and all of the ways I am screwing up, is at a record low. I just can’t handle it right now.

Recently, I decided to go to counseling. I have been kind of depressed and my self-confidence level has just been plummeting. I walk around with my smiley face plastered on sometimes, but most of the time I have just been down, something that is really beginning to hinder my friendships.

And the hard part is that I know all of the reasons why I am acting this way. I am a “people pleaser,” and I can’t be happy unless other people are happy with me, and this all comes back to my “dad issues.”

It is all a bunch of stuff I have always known, but nothing I have tried to work through. I have just tried to work around it, which was really unhealthy.
I am telling you this because I think it is important for us to take a step back and really see a person before we say something that does anything less than build them up.

I can’t tell you how many times over the past month I have had people say some of the meanest, underhanded, snide, rude and unnecessary comments to me. Obviously, some of that stuff comes with my job to a certain extent, but there is a difference between constructive criticism (aka, words that allow someone a chance to grow) and destructive criticism (aka, words that serve no purpose but to make someone feel horrible).

How many times have I made a joke-y, sarcastic remark to a friend when they were having a hard time and I never realized that it really affected them? How often do we kick people when they are already down?

I was smoking on the curb with my friend Jeff and some people we know, and I asked, “Does anyone else realize how critical people are of each other?” And one of the girls sitting with us said something that made me stop and think. She said, “Yea, but I never really saw it until I came to APU.”

Wow.

We need to be more careful. And please notice, I said ‘we,’ not ‘you.’ I am just as guilty of this as every person on this campus, or in the country, or anywhere else.
Just the other night I sat with my friend Jax at Midnight Madness and made fun of the girls that show up at basketball events in short skirts and high heels, wondering if they are showing up to enjoy the best game on the planet (yes, basketball is my favorite) or if they are showing up to get some attention.

We need to pause for a second and think, is this short, snippy email really going to make a difference? Or is it just going to make someone feel like crap? Is saying this little comment to my friend funny? Or is it an underhanded way of demeaning who they are?

As a school, we need to be a better representation of Christ. I need to be a better representation of Christ.

And we all need to start exercising a little bit more grace.

A Ministers Heart

Last Sunday, I went back to visit the youth group that I used to volunteer for. One of my girls walked into the room crying. When I asked her if she wanted to talk, we walked into the hallway where she revealed to me that she cuts herself and that she wants to stop but doesn’t know how.

I realized in that moment where my heart is. What God has gifted me with is a heart for ministry and serving others, something that I rejected sophomore year when I changed out of my youth ministry major because I was afraid of what would happen if I changed my mind after I graduated, something I almost regret doing.

I sat on the curb last night with a friend of mine. I was basically blubbering out all of the stuff going on in my life and said “It would be so much easier if I just felt called to work at Albertson’s.” He laughed and replied, “But you’re not. And if you did just decide to work there, you wouldn’t be satisfied. You have a minister’s heart.”

A few weeks ago, I figured out what I want to do when I graduate. I want to get my masters in college student affairs and work at APU. Maybe as an RD, maybe involved with the journalism students. I don't know the specifics, but I do know that it needs to involve loving on others and helping them grow.

But I know for sure that what I do NOT want out of my life is an office. What I do NOT want out of my life is a routine schedule sitting behind a desk. What I do NOT want out of my life is do anything less than show the people around me how loved and valued they are on a regular basis.

That’s MY kind of job.

Popping the Bubble

The Christian Bubble. Just about every student who has sat in chapel or engaged in a conversation with friends has heard this term. When I was in my first year or two, I honestly found it endearing. I had my Christian friends, my Christian professors, my Christian mentors, my Christian hellos and goodbyes, my Christian smile, my Christian music, my Christian life inside my Christian Bubble.

The only times I really even left the campus during my freshman year were to involve myself in activities that didn’t fit into the Christian Bubble: clubs, parties, enjoying a cig on the curb outside the baseball field. I was so wrapped up in my life on campus.

Then, New York happened. My comfort level, my bubble, completely popped. I lived in Manhattan this summer, attending classes at New York University. The original plan was to determine whether or not I was capable of placing such a large distance between my mother and I.

But in the process of removing myself from the Christian Bubble, I found my limits tested. No longer did I have my Christian support system. No longer did I have worship service. No longer did I have my Christian (insert word here). I had nothing. And it was terrifying.

After I had been an emotional mess for about two weeks, I met Michael. He was my polar opposite. Extremely tall, super skinny and flamboyantly homosexual, Michael and I hit it off and became fast friends.

A few weeks later, I mentioned to him something I had heard at a church I was attending in Brooklyn. His mouth dropped. “You’re a Christian?” he asked. We didn’t talk any more about it that day, but one muggy, rainy afternoon, while we were holed up in the library, he began to ask me about God. Of course, having no real experience in this sort of situation, I stammered over my words and probably made way too many mistakes, but Michael just sat there listening to me.

When I was done talking, he said, “You know, every Christian I have ever met has made me feel like I was defective for being gay, like I had an incurable disease. I thought that was just what Christians believed. Why aren’t you like that?” I told him that I loved and cared about him because that is the kind of person God made me, that I wanted to be his friend to show him God’s love, and that my personal, ultimate goal was not to ‘cure’ him or make him straight but to show him the mercy and grace of a relationship with Christ (although, I am sure it didn’t come out so eloquently.)

He was astonished. He literally could not grasp the concept of a Christian loving that way.

How sad is that?

Sojourners’ Magazine profiled APU in an article titled “Bursting the Christian Bubble,” an article about the Ministry and Service Office and how members of our university are attempting to live their lives in a way that better reflects Christ rather than in a way that reflects their bank accounts, skin color or class. The article was pretty accurate in describing the way APU used to be and the changes that have been made in the past five or six years that have allowed APU to have a bigger impact on the surrounding community.

When I hear about what Azusa thinks of APU, I either hear “People in Azusa hate APU because the only people they care about are themselves,” or “People in Azusa love APU because they bring so much business to the area.”

I am sorry, but that is completely unacceptable. It is our responsibility as Christians to show the love of Christ to all people. It is our responsibility to provide for those who have been placed in situations more difficult than our own. And it is our job to love others in a humble, selfless way regardless of the outcome.

In the magazine it says, “Students are disturbed by their own ignorance and privilege and the deafening silences of their churches that often fail to connect the implications of injustice with active faith.”

We should be disturbed. But not simply by our own ignorance, but by the ignorance of generations before us that caused people to believe things like my friend Michael.

Matthew 28:18 says “Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations…” But before we can use all of the training and Bible classes and hundreds of thousands of dollars that we have spent on an education, before we can make disciples, we must GO. Go downstairs if you live off campus and befriend your neighbors. Go down the street to the elementary school and get involved. Go somewhere!

Don’t allow yourselves to get caught up in the Christian Bubble. Force yourselves to follow God’s command, to love on others, and to serve in the way Christ did, so that maybe someday, if someone comes to Azusa to take summer classes, gets to chatting with an Azusa resident and builds a loving friendship, they won’t ever have to hear “I didn’t realize Christians were like that.”

changing the church to be what the world needs

I am currently writing my bitch long paper for senior seminar. I sat for 5 hours in Starbucks today just cranking away and popped out around 9 or 10 pages. What bothers me isn’t the length of the paper. What bothers me isn’t that I am having to sit for hours and read about Post-moderns and unchurched individuals and the best way to minister for them. What bothers me is the fact that for the life of me, I cannot get the words to tumble onto the page in the way that I wish they would.

I am really passionate about the topic I have chosen. I decided to write about something going on in my life right now: How the church stays relevant to this generation. I see, or hear about, so many instances where people have been asked to leave the church, rejected by the church, or not involved in the church for reasons that are far from legitimate. And it enrages me.

This generation has a different idea of what a relationship with Christ is, what leadership encompasses, what worship means, what community should be, what loving others looks like and what a church should provide. And no one seems to care! The church just goes along on it’s path to destruction, believing that the only way to be relevant to high school/college/young adult aged people is to be entertaining. But we are looking for so much more than that!!!

What we want is a relationship with Christ that is personal and unique from everyone else’s, something far from cookie cutter.

What we want is to have leadership opportunities that are a chance for us to break and grow in a safe environment, not a million rules that bind us and keep us from that growth that we desire.

What we want is worship that is focused on Christ and worshipping him, not on the band in front that we feel like we need to clap for.

What we want is community… period!... an environment that allows us to build friendships and love on others and learn from each other’s mistakes and successes.

What we want is for the people that surround us, that talk about serving and loving others, to go with us to hang out with the homeless, the rejected, the unsaved in THEIR environment, not a bunch of people who feel like going to a camp for one week or spending a day handing out food or trying to convert a friend, instead of really loving that person regardless of their salvation, is enough.

What we want is a church that stops putting up a fake face like everything is okay and provides a place for us to be broken and imperfect without judgment, not a place that makes us feel like we need to be holy and perfect whenever we step foot on the property.

But are we experiencing those things? Are we really being provided with that kind of environment? Does the church even care that those are priorities for us?

And are we doing anything to really reach out to people who don’t go to church? Are we really loving others with the realization that nothing WE do is going to save them? Only GOD can do that. We need to just BE there, to love them, to allow God to speak through us. How do we intend on being a light in the world of darkness if we don’t go INTO the world? We have it drilled into us that we need to be safe, that we need to surround ourselves with people that are good, Christian influences on us... but what about the people that don't have that? What about the people who need US to be that influence. The church needs to get off it's high horse, get its ass in the world, and start loving people in the raw and passionate way that Jesus did... or what the hell are we doing?

Cultural Diversity?

I walked by the Door of Discussion (DoD) today and saw a ripped out piece of the October 5th center spread on Cultural Diversity marked up with words like “Everyone on this page is white!” and “Cultural diversity means nothing at APU. If I am not rich and white, I am not normal.”

I cannot express in words how much this pisses me off. (Well, I could do it in cuss words, but I am choosing not to).

The purpose of the article, if it had been thoroughly read instead of immediately judged, torn apart and pasted onto the DoD, was to talk about something OTHER than ethnic diversity. If this article had been read through, the person who ignorantly attacked it on the DoD would have read “Culture is a lot more complex than looking at race because race can go more off of physical appearance… Unlike the external nature of racial diversity, cultural diversity is more of an internal thing. It includes things like values, religion, social and community responsibilities, political values and issues of sexuality and sexual preference.”

So, far all YOU know, my dear friends who felt like immediately turning a judgmental eye on a university newspaper staff that sits in the office for a good 25 hours in a 2 day period to get the paper to you every Friday and works very hard at covering issues previous staffs have overlooked, the ‘white’ people represented in the side bar could be atheist, homosexual, youth workers, Azusa residents, Democrats or Republicans. It isn’t about race!! And it isn’t ALL about an African culture of Asian culture of a middle eastern culture. It is about the cultural diversity at APU. (Which I realized, no one believes exists).

So, lets all look at some numbers. Of the 8,128 students enrolled at APU, 7,639 of them are US citizens. Of the 4,722 undergraduate students enrolled during the 2006-2007 school year, 3,202 of them are classified as ‘white.’ This means that almost 93% of the student body is considered a US citizen, and 67.8% are white.

That’s just it. That is our culture. And for those of you who feel like you stick out because you aren’t white, or you aren’t rich, I apologize that you feel that way. But the truth of the matter is that a majority of the people who live in the US are white and a good percent of the Christians in the US are white and rich. Again, that is just how it is. And a private Christian university is going to attract that majority.

The Clause does a lot to make sure that a wide range of people are represented in the paper. But as brothers and sisters in Christ, we cannot keep immediately jump down each other’s throats just because we disagree with each other about the way things are handled.

The Line at Seven Palms

Taken from the October 5th publication of The Clause:



“Worship isn’t confined to chapel or church or camp,” sophomore English major Taylor Hamlett said. “Worship can be a bunch of kids that love words. And yes, worship can be showing God’s love through words and music that contain obscenities and offensive subject matter.”

Tiny white candles glowed brightly setting the mood for a night of poetry, music and open forum, as the English department launched its much anticipated encore to last semester’s ‘The Line.’

“It’s an open forum for creative expression for the creative community on campus,” senior English major Lily Atherton said.

Atherton, along with alumnus Craig Christensen, planned and organized the event that took place on Sept. 27 at Seven Palms.

An estimated 150 people were in attendance. More than 20 people recited poetry, sang original songs, played instruments, or beat-boxed.

“Being able to express yourself promotes community,” Christensen said. “Finding out what our role is on the earth, learning how to communicate and being open creatively is really important.”

‘The Line’ was one of the most refreshing events I have ever been to during my years here at APU. The most striking and painfully genuine part of the evening, which is what made the night border on brilliance, was the brutal honesty that flowed from every piece of work.

Not one person got up in front and pretended that their lives were all together and perfect. There was no façade.

They read about bad relationships, sex, drugs, failures, doubts, regrets of the past, uncertainty of the present, and fears for the future.

APU needs more of this honesty. On a Christian campus, it seems the norm for people to walk around with their heads high as if their life is going directly down the path God had planned.

But we are all far from that. This kind of honesty, the ability these students had to get up and be vulnerable in front of their peers, is a quality that Christians should feel comfortable expressing on a regular basis.

A big question I found myself asking through the night, however, was what affect does this sort of open outlet have on the APU community?

Being fairly liberal when it comes to my views, and seeing APU as semi-conservative when it comes to theirs, I was happily surprised that students were able to speak so freely with their word choice and subject matter. The reactions from students and staff were mixed.

“Most Christian campuses wouldn’t let us have this platform and I am really happy about it,” Christensen said. “By letting us do this, they are facilitating the creative process. Its great to be somewhere that lets us do that.”

Senior biblical studies major Johanna Chase had a different take on the evening, seeing the rebellious nature of college students on a Christian campus as an effect to the outlet that isn’t always positive.



“Because APU is so tight on the edges of everything, when we have opportunities to express ourselves as students without any sort of block or boundary, we go a little over the top,” Chase said. “But, I hope it keeps happening. Everyone was able to really express themselves, which was so amazing.”

English professor Ralph Carlson, who attended the end of the show to support his students, echoed Chase’s statement.

“Given our community ethos in general, it is often a good thing to do a little self censoring,” Carlson said. “I am still getting used to this century, but I heard some good voices.”

Some hope ‘The Line’ will go from a once-a-month event to a bi-monthly event. “Students have something to say,” Hamlett said, “and it’s usually pretty damn good.”

The Student Leadership Covenant

Taken from the September 28th publication of The Clause:

According to APU’s Student Leadership Covenant, Christian leadership involves a calling to model selflessness for the good of the larger Christian community. While I see how, for the most part, the covenant aims to benefit students, its word choice, ambiguity and micro-managing nature are just too much to handle. The covenant does not allow student leaders the choice to model what they consider leadership.

To be perfectly honest, the one thing on the covenant that catches my eye above everything else is “honor God with my conduct in all relationships, including choosing to abstain from the use of alcohol…” I understand the rules APU places on the student body to refrain from using any alcoholic substance ON campus (even if they tick me off a bit), but this rule applies to 21-year-old students while they are OFF campus as well. How does a “no alcohol” policy ensure students conduct themselves in a God-honoring manner?

What I feel is being overlooked here is the word “leader.” If a person chooses to take a leadership position it should be their responsibility (not requirement) to act in a way they think fits a leader. When I was a freshman and found out my RA couldn’t drink even though she had turned 21, all I thought was how lame it was the school had placed that on her. But when I found out that a 22-year-old friend of mine was choosing not to drink because she was leading a Bible study and felt she could better model Christ that way, I was very impressed, even if I did think she was a little crazy. It was her choice. It wasn’t about rules or being afraid to get in trouble. It was her choice to live how she felt called.

As Editor-in-Chief of the Clause, I act in a way that I believe is appropriate to lead the other people on staff whom I love so much. Does it mean I am perfect? Not at all. But I have the ability to learn how to be an effective leader based on my relationship with Christ, not on the regulations of an outside party. It even says in the covenant to “live publicly and privately in a manner that is consistent with my commitment to Christ and the relationship I have with Him.” My PERSONAL relationship with Christ.

It is a learning experience, and if every action student leaders take is going to be thwarted by yet another rule, how are they ever going to learn to stand on their own and truly reflect their relationship with God? They should be given that chance. While I realize that, technically, it is the choice of the student to step into a leadership position when such rules bind them, I also know that putting covenant requirements on students doesn’t call them to lead. It calls them to follow.