Stay Positive

I try to stay positive about my future. But I can’t get away from the nagging feeling that I have missed the boat on a few things… mostly concerning my education. After browsing Facebook recently it has become incredibly noticeable that so many of the people I graduated with have not only gone on to graduate school, but have finished, and moved on to pursue their chosen careers.

I don’t want to be a downer. I am very aware of the things that make me special and unique, as well as how that the choices I have made have led me to so many wonderful things, including my amazing boyfriend, my awesome job and a great handful of friends.

But I am also aware of the fact that one particular choice (maybe not a CHOICE, but a lack of direction) has led me to being nearly 24 and feeling like I might not get to walk in the direction I want to. I want to pick up and move across the country in pursuit of my goals and dreams. I want to make big changes. But I feel rooted to the ground. And I am afraid I might never get the chance to break free and run.

I love how God works.

I graduated from college in May 2008 with a B.A. in Journalism and no clue what I wanted to do with my life. I was working at a restaurant, had just moved into my too-expensive apartment in Sierra Madre, and felt completely lost, wondering if I would ever figure things out.

After getting my job at Southwestern Law School in L.A., I realized I wanted to work at a college or university, and I knew I loved to write, so I began applying to M.F.A. in Creative Writing programs all over the country. Much to my chagrin, I was only admitted to 2 programs, neither of which provided me with a Teaching Assistantship. I didn’t even care about how expensive the program was. I wanted the teaching experience, and it was highly doubtful I would get it.

I moped around for months trying to figure out what step to take next. I realized that if I wasn't itching to apply for M.F.A. programs again, it probably wasn't the direction I was supposed to go, but had no idea what that meant for my future.

I applied for different positions at my work (Admissions Counselor and Event Coordinator) and was (luckily) selected for neither.

Then I found out about Higher Education master’s programs – programs where I would get training in psychology and counseling, and take courses about the history of higher education , college students today, and applying research. I can get a job working in Student Affairs, Greek Life, Residence Life or any other student centered department, or work in an administrative job similar to what I am doing now, but at a more elevated level.

I am so excited about the future today. I am excited about my life with my boyfriend, the exciting things in front of us, and this wonderful new path that will lead to so many adventures.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

I’m frustrated at the weird in-between place my life is right now. There are so many things I want to do, but I can’t do any of them until something else happens, something that is completely out of my control.

I want to go to grad school, but because I want a teaching assistantship, I have to wait until January 2011 to submit new work to George Mason University to be considered. Then I would have to wait until September 2011 to start school. STOP.

I want to buy a house, and I am financially able and ready to do so all on my own… but how do you buy a house on your own when you want to have that “first-home” experience with your husband, and when your husband is actually your current, heel dragging boyfriend of 2 years. STOP.

I want to drop everything and follow the “around the world travelling itinerary” that I made for myself, experience other cultures, get odd jobs and teach English in Japan. But I want to experience it with someone, preferably my current boyfriend, but we agreed we wouldn’t attempt that until we get married… and I have NO idea when THAT’s happening. STOP.

I want to get a dog, but I live in an apartment without insulation, without central air, and without a yard, and I don’t want to move again until I buy a house… which I won’t do until I get married. STOP.

I want to do so many more things like this, but I feel like I am being forced to stop at all of these stop signs, where I just sit alone, waiting for everything else to catch up, and while my friends and family just do nothing more than tap the breaks at every single sign, and continue on. It seems like everyone is moving, getting married, going back to school, taking steps forward in their futures… steps I am willing to take, that I want to take, but I can’t.

And I don’t know how to make it better.

Any suggestions?

Distractions and Such

I am taking a note from another MFA Blog / Driftless House lurker and creating a Top Ten Ways to Distract Myself from Obsessing Ridiculously, and Almost Sickeningly, Too Much About Graduate School Admissions list. Or to put it shortly, my TTWtDMfORaASTMAGSA list. :)

10. Watch One Tree Hill from beginning to end (yes, all 6 seasons)

9. Scour the internet for low residency programs I can apply to if I move quickly, or full residency programs that have spring admittance dates (ok, so this one is kind of cheating - but at least I'm not wallowing in my own rejection depression, right?)

8. Write blog posts about ways to distract myself from obsessing ridiculously about graduate school admissions, and be way to disclosing about personal issues.

7. Decorate the guest room in my apartment.

6. Go through the iTunes Top Singles list and pick at least 20 new songs to download... then downloading them illegally from LimeWire.

5. Drink an unhealthy amount of Coors Lights and expensive red wine.

4b. Play Tetris on my cell phone or computer until it is hard to fall asleep at night without picturing a Tetris screen and having dreams about pushing blocks into the right spot.

4a. Playing Winterbells (http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/bells.htm)

3. Work on my writing for my writing workshop (which is due on Saturday... yikes!)

2. Eat pasta even though I'm on a diet.

1.  Smoke a ridiculous amount of cigarettes.

Visiting Notre Dame? Maybe? PLEASE?

I have begun my quest/obsession to not only visit Notre Dame before I mail in my application in December (so I can enjoy it before they turn me down), but to also visit on a Saturday, when there is an at home football game in play, that I will have tickets to.

Hopefully the plan will go as follows:

My work, understanding how phenomenally important this is to my future, as well as to my ultimate happiness, will grant me the two days off I will need to make it a wonderful 4 day weekend. Then, my dad, knowing that as a young professional I am usually pretty tight with my budget, will offer to give me a free ticket to fly out to Notre Dame, ultimately slicing the price of my ticket to $0. Our next move will be to find and purchase two tickets to see Notre Dame play UConn, which we will miraculously be able to BUY IT NOW for under $200 total. Don't forget, we will some how find an incredibly cheap room in Chicago, as well as a wonderful rental car to drive.

Lastly, I will be accepted at Notre Dame on the spot when I turn in my application, and Jimmy Clausen will tell me he loves my writing.

Oh how the world could work.

WE ARE ND. GO IRISH!!!!

The Clutches of Adulthood

I feel broken.
I feel absolutely terrified.

My future is creeping closer and closer and there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do to prevent it from swallowing me whole. I go back and forth with whether or not I am prepared for the clutches of adulthood, whether I am going to succeed at taking full responsibility for myself or crumble and fail miserably.

My heart soars when I recognize the fact that I am completely finished with the monotony of papers, lectures and tedious busywork that is college. But then I think of the day in and day out of a full-time job. What am I really looking for?

I know I am meant for something. I know that I wasn’t made with the desire to serve others with my whole heart for no reason. But how do I go about finding my path? How am I supposed to decide at 21 years old what it is I was designed to do? My heart is in service. My passion is to love people and do everything within my capabilities to better the lives of others. Large paychecks, materialistic desires and a comfortable lifestyle are far from what I am seeking. I want nothing to do with serving myself. I live my life with the simple desire of giving. But in a world that is so consumed with bigger and better it is difficult to get by without getting sucked into the cycle of ‘more.’ And I do want more.

But the ‘more’ I want isn’t more stuff. It isn’t more money. It’s more satisfaction. It is more contentment. A satisfaction and contentment that I think can only be found when I finally figure out what it is God has planned for my life. Not his entire blueprint. But at least the little puzzle piece that is my present place.

I know it will get easier. I know I will look back on this time in my life in 20 years and think I had it made and wonder why it is I didn’t enjoy the simplicity of young adulthood. But right now, I am broken and absolutely terrified. And I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

2008

So it’s a new year. 2008 has officially arrived. This is going to be a big year for me. I will be taking out my first official loan in January, turning 21 in February, and I will be finishing up my final semester of college and graduating in May. After graduation I will have to pay my first bills from college and will be renting my first real apartment.

And, the really big news is that, hopefully, I will be moving across the country in August and starting graduate school in September.

I have been toying with the idea of grad school for a while. I searched online for countless hours trying to figure out which program would fit me best. The three universities I selected were APU and UCLA in SoCal, and Northeastern, which is located in Boston. UCLA was my first choice. It is an 11-month intensive program and my dad told me I could live in his condo in Century City while I attended school so I wouldn’t have to worry about rent. I would have my master’s degree at 22 years old. But, unfortunately, I was too late. Deadlines had passed by the time I even thought about applying. Then I thought about APU. They have a great Student Affairs program, and if I worked an on-campus full-time job, it would be paid for. But I realized staying in the APU bubble would feel a little too claustrophobic. I needed something with a little distance.

Then I found Northeastern. As I read about the program, I realized how incredibly it would fit what I was looking for. When I saw that the deadline was January 15th, I was bummed. I still have yet to take my GRE, so I decided to take a year off and apply to go to grad school next year. But Northeastern was just sitting on my mind. So I browsed the website again.

Needless to say I was shocked and excited to find that the deadline to apply for the program I want to be a part of, College Student Development and Counseling, is a month later than all of the other programs and that is ONLY if I want an assistantship, which I don’t have to do. So, technically, I don’t have to send anything in until August 1st at the very latest.

I can’t even begin to express how excited I am. I called my Uncle Jim, who lives in Hamilton, MA, and talked to him for a while about what would happen if I moved out there. My uncle is my dad’s twin brother, and I have always been extremely close with his family. He has a HUGE house and there is a kind of loft apartment that is over his garage that my two cousins have always used as a game room. Both of them are in college now and Jim told me I could LIVE THERE if I moved out for school… FOR FREE. Hamilton is only a 30-minute drive from Boston, and it is a perfect place to live until I find friends and a job and an apartment closer to Northeastern.

I freak out all of the time. I recently realized that I have anxiety. I get nervous. The thought of graduating – the idea of starting over with a life separate from everything I have grown accustomed to over the past 4 years – is terrifying. Well, WAS terrifying… until this. Now, all I can feel is a rush.

It might not work out. I might end up living in an apartment in Pasadena and just being a waitress for a while. But it is a cool thought. When I moved to New York for the summer, I came back with the decision made that living in that big city is probably not for me. But the idea that I could start over in a place I have known for so long, the idea that I could start over but still have family and somewhere safe to call home, is extremely satisfying and a great way to start out the new year.