Stay Positive

I try to stay positive about my future. But I can’t get away from the nagging feeling that I have missed the boat on a few things… mostly concerning my education. After browsing Facebook recently it has become incredibly noticeable that so many of the people I graduated with have not only gone on to graduate school, but have finished, and moved on to pursue their chosen careers.

I don’t want to be a downer. I am very aware of the things that make me special and unique, as well as how that the choices I have made have led me to so many wonderful things, including my amazing boyfriend, my awesome job and a great handful of friends.

But I am also aware of the fact that one particular choice (maybe not a CHOICE, but a lack of direction) has led me to being nearly 24 and feeling like I might not get to walk in the direction I want to. I want to pick up and move across the country in pursuit of my goals and dreams. I want to make big changes. But I feel rooted to the ground. And I am afraid I might never get the chance to break free and run.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

I’m frustrated at the weird in-between place my life is right now. There are so many things I want to do, but I can’t do any of them until something else happens, something that is completely out of my control.

I want to go to grad school, but because I want a teaching assistantship, I have to wait until January 2011 to submit new work to George Mason University to be considered. Then I would have to wait until September 2011 to start school. STOP.

I want to buy a house, and I am financially able and ready to do so all on my own… but how do you buy a house on your own when you want to have that “first-home” experience with your husband, and when your husband is actually your current, heel dragging boyfriend of 2 years. STOP.

I want to drop everything and follow the “around the world travelling itinerary” that I made for myself, experience other cultures, get odd jobs and teach English in Japan. But I want to experience it with someone, preferably my current boyfriend, but we agreed we wouldn’t attempt that until we get married… and I have NO idea when THAT’s happening. STOP.

I want to get a dog, but I live in an apartment without insulation, without central air, and without a yard, and I don’t want to move again until I buy a house… which I won’t do until I get married. STOP.

I want to do so many more things like this, but I feel like I am being forced to stop at all of these stop signs, where I just sit alone, waiting for everything else to catch up, and while my friends and family just do nothing more than tap the breaks at every single sign, and continue on. It seems like everyone is moving, getting married, going back to school, taking steps forward in their futures… steps I am willing to take, that I want to take, but I can’t.

And I don’t know how to make it better.

Any suggestions?

Rejection #7

I received a nicely worded rejection from Hollins University this morning. I'm bummed, but I figured it was coming. And as I have decided to reject my admission from Baltimore, my last remaining hope is my wait-list position at George Mason. And I think... I *think*... it just might turn out okay :) Patience.

Semi-rejection and God Things

Having not heard back from Arkansas, Baltimore, Hollins and Notre Dame, I figured it must be time to get into contact with the 2 schools who have wait-listed me to see how things are moving.

First, George Mason University - The woman I spoke with was very kind, but had no new information and asked that I call back at the end of the week, as there should be more news.

Second, University of North Carolina at Wilmington - I have been in email contact with a woman named Lavonne and she informed me about two weeks ago that she would notify me if there were any changes. I got fidgety, so I emailed her to see if there was any movement on the wait-list, and she promptly emailed me back to let me know it is highly unlikely that an offer of admission will be extended to me, as the group of students who have been admitted seem happy to accept, and I am nowhere near the front of the wait-list. 

I hate rejection. I realize that everyone hates that feeling, so saying "I hate rejection" is like saying "I hate getting punched in the face" - it's pretty much just a given. But the amount of rejection I am getting is overwhelming. And it doesn't help that my boyfriend tells me "I know how you feel" because he has been rejected by girls before. I'm sorry, but this is not the same thing, and he does NOT know how I feel. With relationships, it's a quick pain (or maybe a long one) but it's one time. These girls weren't then showing up at his door saying they weren't interested a few days later, only to remind him of the hurt.

I am getting rejection letters and "we think you have promise, but not as much as all these other people" letters. I have received 3 rejections (now 4, practically) and 1 wait-list.

I WANT GOOD NEWS! I NEED GOOD NEWS! I don't want to sit in this funk anymore... this dreadful grey area... like I have an inability to see the good in anything good. I try to be positive and believe that everything will work out, but it's so hard. And I hate when people say, "If you trust in the Lord there is nothing to worry about." That's bullshit. Of course I trust God for my future. Of course I have faith. But that doesn't mean I can't be pissed off or upset or depressed or feel rejected or worried because I don't know what to do next. I'm not just going to pretend to be happy and "joyful in the Lord" to make all my Christian friends happy. And I'm not going to sit on my ass and not make any decisions because "God is in control." 

Like I said, I don't want to sit in this funk anymore.

Rejection #3

University of Arizona rejection came in the mail today. Still stings. Bleh. 3 rejections, 2 wait-lists, and still no word from Notre Dame. Patience is a virtue I guess...

Hope, hope, hope, hope, hope

Columbia and the Smoking Hiatus

I received yet another rejection last night. Columbia College Chicago has officially declared my writing less than worthy of their MFA in Fiction Writing program. I realize that my ultimate goal revolves around teaching Memoir, Non-Fiction, Autobiography, etc, but the MFA at Columbia has a dual degree option, combining an MFA in Fiction Writing with an MA in Teaching Writing. It was such a beautiful idea. And now it is gone. I thought the rejections would get easier as they came, but of course that was a lofty ideal. The sting is just as sharp.

This news brings my current status to Rejections-2, Wait-Lists-2, No Word-5. Bleh. And still no word from Notre Dame. Patience.

The sadness I felt from hearing the rejection letter as Danny read it to me over the phone could only be cured by experiencing true joy, in it's purest of forms. By this I mean (drum roll) a trip to In-N-Out. Yes, I know... what about the diet? Er, excuse me... life-style change? I figured I deserved a break from all of the rejection, and In-N-Out is the best place to take a break. Of course, Danny and I agreed to roll our fat asses out of bed this morning and hit the gym to ease the damage. After 1 hour of cardio and ab workouts, I felt like I was going to hack my brains out from all the coughing.

Hence, the reference to smoking in the title. Yes, my dear friends and creepy stalker readers, it is that time. As much as I enjoy sucking in the warm taste of tobacco and feeling the rush of nicotine-ey goodness, I have decided to take a smoking hiatus. If I really want to lose weight... If I want to be able to get out of bed in the morning and not feel like the King of Nasal Problems is wrapping himself around my face... I need to call it quits. I am not promising forever - just 30 days. I figure if I allow myself the idea that I can smoke again one day, it might be a little easier than the word FOREVER, which drives me insane. But the true hope is that when I wake up on April 11th I will think to myself, "maybe just one more day."

Rejection #1

The first rejection came today from Hunter College in New York City. It stung a lot more than I thought it would. I opened up my email and there it was… 

From: Hunter College Graduate School 

Subject: Your Decision Is Available Online Now

I was terrified, but at the same time, ecstatic. It’s only March 2nd. It MUST be an acceptance, right? Of course I was wrong and after just a few seconds my dream of living and writing in New York City, which I have ached for over the past 3 years, was quickly and suddenly shattered.

It gave me a bit of a shake down. My confidence in my application materials has plummeted. My GRE scores weren’t high enough… my personal statement lacked any kind of personality… my writing samples were interesting but immature… the list keeps going.

I wonder how much longer I will feel this way. Hopefully the next bit of news I receive is positive so I don’t keep spiraling downwards.

Have a Little Faith

I have been so lacking in the faith department recently. I get all emotional and upset and worked up over things that are out of my control because… well,… because those things are out of MY control.

One thing I always seem to forget is that God does not ignore me. When I pray and ask for something to happen in my life, for something to work out, sometimes he says yes. And ya, sometimes he says no. But other times, he is just saying, “Wait. Have patience.”

I have been anxious, lately. Am I going to graduate on time? Oh crap, I forgot to take the GRE! Will I have a job when I graduate? Will I ever date again? Will my classes count for my major? This isn’t how things are supposed to be working!

Last week, after stressing big time about whether or not a class would count towards graduation for over a month, I reminded myself that, even if I am not in control, God is. He always is. Today, I checked my DegreeWorks and saw that the school had approved my class, and I am going to graduate.

I decided recently that I want to get my masters in Student Affairs and work at a university. But I didn’t realize grad school applications are usually due in January, therefore, I didn’t take the GRE soon enough to get the scores in. Yesterday, I found several universities that don’t require the GRE that still have programs that sound amazing, AND I found out that if I work at the High Sierra program during the year, something that sounds like a perfect fit for me, APU will pay for my degree!

The dating thing…. haven’t had any miracle stories there. The guy I could seriously spend the rest of my life with, the guy who has told me he is attracted to me, is still choosing to be my best friend/big brother instead of recognizing the fact that it is time he grew up and asked me on a date. And, let’s be honest, guys have never really been knocking down my door.

So maybe this is a waiting period. Maybe there are things I need to experience, or grow in, or become, before the dating time of my life can really begin. And I know God knows what is going to happen. He can see how it will all fall into place. But even though I know that, it is hard to trust Him with my future, regardless of the fact that He has been so faithful to me for my entire life.

I guess I just need to have a little patience, and have a little faith.