Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

I’m frustrated at the weird in-between place my life is right now. There are so many things I want to do, but I can’t do any of them until something else happens, something that is completely out of my control.

I want to go to grad school, but because I want a teaching assistantship, I have to wait until January 2011 to submit new work to George Mason University to be considered. Then I would have to wait until September 2011 to start school. STOP.

I want to buy a house, and I am financially able and ready to do so all on my own… but how do you buy a house on your own when you want to have that “first-home” experience with your husband, and when your husband is actually your current, heel dragging boyfriend of 2 years. STOP.

I want to drop everything and follow the “around the world travelling itinerary” that I made for myself, experience other cultures, get odd jobs and teach English in Japan. But I want to experience it with someone, preferably my current boyfriend, but we agreed we wouldn’t attempt that until we get married… and I have NO idea when THAT’s happening. STOP.

I want to get a dog, but I live in an apartment without insulation, without central air, and without a yard, and I don’t want to move again until I buy a house… which I won’t do until I get married. STOP.

I want to do so many more things like this, but I feel like I am being forced to stop at all of these stop signs, where I just sit alone, waiting for everything else to catch up, and while my friends and family just do nothing more than tap the breaks at every single sign, and continue on. It seems like everyone is moving, getting married, going back to school, taking steps forward in their futures… steps I am willing to take, that I want to take, but I can’t.

And I don’t know how to make it better.

Any suggestions?

Accepted!!!!!!!

I received an email from George Mason University mid-week last week. The overall gist is... I'M IN!!!!! I was accepted at GMU!

I was so giddy and couldn't help but cheese-face all day. Somehow, by the grace of God no doubt, I was accepted at my number 2 program. Granted, it is an unfunded position without any teaching experience directly offered to me, but there are so many new and exciting adventures in front of me! Since I can't seem to form a sentence right now, I have instead compiled a list of things going on in my head: Enjoy!

1. There are pedagogy courses available to students even if they are not Teaching Assistants... pro seminars on composition and instruction that would be invaluable to me.
2. Northern Virginia Community College has a great rapport with GMU, and they often hire graduate students to teach intro courses as long as the graduate student has taken 18 or more graduate hours.
3. Several positions become available for students to become Teaching Assistants in their second year, and while they are competitive, they are still available.
4. There are a number fellowships and grants given to students that cover tuition during the second year.
5. A number of grad students obtain substitute teaching positions in local high schools, teaching English, journalism and even creative writing!
6. Many students obtain unpaid positions working as Instructors of Composition for professors in other undergraduate departments at GMU, teaching seminars on structure and tutoring students on source citations, etc.
7. There is a deferral option, which I will most likely take advantage of. If I defer, I can be guaranteed admission next fall (2011) but still submit new writing material and be re-considered for a TA position.

I am still pretty giddy... Danny has been so incredibly supportive of me and my decision making process. He even started looking at jobs in the D.C. area to see what the job hunt situation looks like. He is such an incredible encourager to me and my goals.

Ahhhhhh, that's it for now! I will have more "official" news soon!

The Most Bittersweet Day

I finally received my first honest-to-goodness piece of great news. I was accepted into the MFA in Creative Writing & Publishing Arts program at the University of Baltimore! I was so thrilled to receive an email that contained a sentence other than "We are sorry to inform you..." or "We had a number of qualified applicants we had to disappoint this year..." It was nice to think, "Wow, they liked me best!"

Unfortunately, within 24 hours of learning of my acceptance at Baltimore, I was also informed of my rejection from Notre Dame. The stupid thing is, I knew it was coming. I saw people posting on the blogs that they had been accepted, or wait-listed. But I kept thinking maybe, just maybe. But I was wrong. I was so foolish to go into this year believing I could have gotten in at ND when only 6 students are accepted for prose out of several hundred that apply.

My acceptance at Baltimore doesn't mean I will be heading off to the east coast any time soon. I am debating whether or not I am willing to go into around $50K in debt for a program I am not necessarily hell-bent on going to. Don't get me wrong, I would love to go to Baltimore and participate in a program that is ranked in the top 100 MFA programs, and the top 10 distinctive MFA programs in the US. But there are no teaching assistantships or opportunities provided by the school and little to no funding in an expensive urban area.

So here is the new update:

Baltimore-Accepted
George Mason-Waitlisted
UNCW-Waitlisted
Arizona-Rejected
Columbia College-Rejected
Hunter College-Rejected
Notre Dame-Rejected
Hollins-??
Arkansas-??

I guess for now I can at least rejoice in my acceptance, even if it was a little bitter-sweet. Good bye Notre Dame... maybe next year...

20 Reasons Why I Love the Irish

I have only been aware of the University of Notre Dame’s existence for about 2 years, but I have completely and entirely fallen in love with ND for many reasons. Some of them are in reference to my future attendance as a graduate student (hopefully) and some are sentimental reasons. Here they are:

01) I love that the football player's don't have their last names on the backs of their jersey's. They do this because it isn't about the individual, it is about the team

02) I love Touchdown Jesus

03) I love that their slogan is "Fighting for (insert reason). What would you fight for." It's absolutely beautiful.

04) I love that students in the graduate MFA program get to go to school for free.

05) I love the community atmosphere emitted from every pore of every square foot, every student, every thing on that campus.

06) I love Jimmy Clausen.

07) I love shouting "We are ND! GO IRISH" when I watch football games with my boyfriend Danny.

08) I love that Danny's grandfather, Rudolph, was on the Championship Football Team in 1942.

09) I love that Rudolph told Danny that the movie Rudy was made about him.

10) I love that when I think about Notre Dame, I get this happy feeling about my future.

11) I love that I have the possibility of attending a school that is just a bigger, better, more famous, highly regarded version of APU, where I received my undergraduate degree.

12) I love that it gets really, really cold in South Bend in the winter.

13) I love that it snows in South Bend.

14) I love that South Bend has seasons.

15) I love wearing green, which will go perfectly with being Irish.

16) I love that students have the opportunity to be selected for Teaching Assistantships.

17) I love that Notre Dame is committed to both God and Academia.

18) I love that there is a GPA requirement for athletes.

19) I love that Notre Dame looks the way it does.

20) I love that Notre Dame has been called "the place where the church does it's thinking."

Graduate School Applications

I made the decision about 6 months ago to go back to school. Sure, my job is boring. I wake up at 7am everyday and don't get back until 7pm, and I spend most of my time on the computer. But it isn't just the monotony of my current job that is pushing me to go back to school.

I miss school. I miss living on/near campus, rolling out of bed to make it to class and bumming around the coffee shop in my sweats. But most importantly, I miss learning. I miss studying and reading and using my brain all the time. It is important to me to be intelligent and well-prepared for anything, and I feel like my mind is beginning to get mushy. That is why I have decided to forge ahead to graduate school to get out of this mushy slump.

I couldn't be more thrilled. I have been working non-stop on my writing sample (25-30 pages of creative non-fiction) and reworking my personal statement/letter of intent/statement of purpose for each school over and over. I have all of my letters of recommendation in place, however one professor who agreed still hasn't gotten back to me about it. Yikes! I hope it turns out ok!

I am also thrilled to report that my boyfriend will be moving with me when I go! Danny is so supportive and it will make picking up and moving across the country so much easier and enjoyable with him there.

I am so excited!!!!

2008

So it’s a new year. 2008 has officially arrived. This is going to be a big year for me. I will be taking out my first official loan in January, turning 21 in February, and I will be finishing up my final semester of college and graduating in May. After graduation I will have to pay my first bills from college and will be renting my first real apartment.

And, the really big news is that, hopefully, I will be moving across the country in August and starting graduate school in September.

I have been toying with the idea of grad school for a while. I searched online for countless hours trying to figure out which program would fit me best. The three universities I selected were APU and UCLA in SoCal, and Northeastern, which is located in Boston. UCLA was my first choice. It is an 11-month intensive program and my dad told me I could live in his condo in Century City while I attended school so I wouldn’t have to worry about rent. I would have my master’s degree at 22 years old. But, unfortunately, I was too late. Deadlines had passed by the time I even thought about applying. Then I thought about APU. They have a great Student Affairs program, and if I worked an on-campus full-time job, it would be paid for. But I realized staying in the APU bubble would feel a little too claustrophobic. I needed something with a little distance.

Then I found Northeastern. As I read about the program, I realized how incredibly it would fit what I was looking for. When I saw that the deadline was January 15th, I was bummed. I still have yet to take my GRE, so I decided to take a year off and apply to go to grad school next year. But Northeastern was just sitting on my mind. So I browsed the website again.

Needless to say I was shocked and excited to find that the deadline to apply for the program I want to be a part of, College Student Development and Counseling, is a month later than all of the other programs and that is ONLY if I want an assistantship, which I don’t have to do. So, technically, I don’t have to send anything in until August 1st at the very latest.

I can’t even begin to express how excited I am. I called my Uncle Jim, who lives in Hamilton, MA, and talked to him for a while about what would happen if I moved out there. My uncle is my dad’s twin brother, and I have always been extremely close with his family. He has a HUGE house and there is a kind of loft apartment that is over his garage that my two cousins have always used as a game room. Both of them are in college now and Jim told me I could LIVE THERE if I moved out for school… FOR FREE. Hamilton is only a 30-minute drive from Boston, and it is a perfect place to live until I find friends and a job and an apartment closer to Northeastern.

I freak out all of the time. I recently realized that I have anxiety. I get nervous. The thought of graduating – the idea of starting over with a life separate from everything I have grown accustomed to over the past 4 years – is terrifying. Well, WAS terrifying… until this. Now, all I can feel is a rush.

It might not work out. I might end up living in an apartment in Pasadena and just being a waitress for a while. But it is a cool thought. When I moved to New York for the summer, I came back with the decision made that living in that big city is probably not for me. But the idea that I could start over in a place I have known for so long, the idea that I could start over but still have family and somewhere safe to call home, is extremely satisfying and a great way to start out the new year.