I’m frustrated at the weird in-between place my life is right now. There are so many things I want to do, but I can’t do any of them until something else happens, something that is completely out of my control.
I want to go to grad school, but because I want a teaching assistantship, I have to wait until January 2011 to submit new work to George Mason University to be considered. Then I would have to wait until September 2011 to start school. STOP.
I want to buy a house, and I am financially able and ready to do so all on my own… but how do you buy a house on your own when you want to have that “first-home” experience with your husband, and when your husband is actually your current, heel dragging boyfriend of 2 years. STOP.
I want to drop everything and follow the “around the world travelling itinerary” that I made for myself, experience other cultures, get odd jobs and teach English in Japan. But I want to experience it with someone, preferably my current boyfriend, but we agreed we wouldn’t attempt that until we get married… and I have NO idea when THAT’s happening. STOP.
I want to get a dog, but I live in an apartment without insulation, without central air, and without a yard, and I don’t want to move again until I buy a house… which I won’t do until I get married. STOP.
I want to do so many more things like this, but I feel like I am being forced to stop at all of these stop signs, where I just sit alone, waiting for everything else to catch up, and while my friends and family just do nothing more than tap the breaks at every single sign, and continue on. It seems like everyone is moving, getting married, going back to school, taking steps forward in their futures… steps I am willing to take, that I want to take, but I can’t.
And I don’t know how to make it better.
Any suggestions?
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
7.21.2010
11.17.2007
Call Back
The person it is most difficult to get a hold of in my life is my dad. It doesn’t matter why I am calling him, he usually won’t answer. I have never really understood why. My only guess is that he doesn’t answer the phone for anyone. But that has not ever really made me feel any better.
I guess the reason it is hard is because of the way I feel when he doesn’t call me back. It is like I am not important enough. It is like somehow, calling me back makes me an inconvenience on him, like he is too busy to remember, like I am not worth taking five minutes just to see if there is something I need to talk with him about.
I hate that this has spilled into the rest of my life. Somehow, I have taught myself that if someone doesn’t call me back, it is because they don’t really care, or because they don’t want to talk to me, or because they don’t want to be bothered.
I always attract these men… the ones who don’t call back. I try to understand, I try to remember that people have lives and that they get busy. But when it hits a week and I haven’t heard back, I feel like screaming.
The only way my dad will call me back, I have learned, is if I cry onto the answering machine. The great thing about him though, is that he always knows he is wrong for not calling me, and he is my dad, so if I cry he takes it seriously, and I don’t have to really care or worry whether or not he thinks I am an overly emotional freak… because he is my dad.
With other men, though, it isn’t the same. If I cried onto the phone to get someone to call me back, they would think I was crazy and then really have a reason to not call me. And the last thing I would want to do is push someone away.
Even if I am crazy.
I guess the reason it is hard is because of the way I feel when he doesn’t call me back. It is like I am not important enough. It is like somehow, calling me back makes me an inconvenience on him, like he is too busy to remember, like I am not worth taking five minutes just to see if there is something I need to talk with him about.
I hate that this has spilled into the rest of my life. Somehow, I have taught myself that if someone doesn’t call me back, it is because they don’t really care, or because they don’t want to talk to me, or because they don’t want to be bothered.
I always attract these men… the ones who don’t call back. I try to understand, I try to remember that people have lives and that they get busy. But when it hits a week and I haven’t heard back, I feel like screaming.
The only way my dad will call me back, I have learned, is if I cry onto the answering machine. The great thing about him though, is that he always knows he is wrong for not calling me, and he is my dad, so if I cry he takes it seriously, and I don’t have to really care or worry whether or not he thinks I am an overly emotional freak… because he is my dad.
With other men, though, it isn’t the same. If I cried onto the phone to get someone to call me back, they would think I was crazy and then really have a reason to not call me. And the last thing I would want to do is push someone away.
Even if I am crazy.
11.03.2007
People-pleasing
As a self-declared people-pleaser, I have a difficult time dealing with people not liking me.
My freshman year, I was a little obnoxious (okay, a lot obnoxious) and I pushed a lot of people away. But after a really amazing and changing summer, I came back to APU a new person. I was finally okay with myself and had relaxed, which allowed me to make deeper friendships.
During my sophomore year, I became good friends with a young man who later revealed to me that I had been kind of overwhelming freshman year. I laughed about it, remembering how out of control I was and wondering how anyone could have put up with me. I secretly asked God to bless the people who had stuck it out with me during that time of my life.
But it made me assume that all of my relational problems had been solved and that I was now someone who could befriend anyone.
Sadly, I have found recently that this is not the case. A few of my relationships over the course of senior year have been struggling. And it is hard to find that there are people you just don’t mesh well with. It is hard to deal with the fact that there are people that you will never understand, and that there are people that will never understand you.
But it is even more difficult to be ok with it.
I have a hard time letting things go. I have a “fix-it” problem. I have a need to fix everything. And for some reason, I fix relationships to death. (Especially with boys, but that is not the focus of this column).
When friendships don’t work, I try to solve whatever it is that needs solving. Sometimes I look inward to see if something I am doing is causing a problem, but sometimes I look outward to see if it is the other person.
More and more, however, I am realizing that sometimes, no matter how much problem-solving I might try, things just don’t work. And I need to be okay with that.
But more than that, I am realizing that not getting along with someone does not mean I am less valuable as a person.
I need to get away from my people-pleasing nature. I need to stop worrying so much about how I am viewed in the eyes of those that surround me.
What I, instead, need to focus on is how I look in God’s eyes. I need to find my acceptance in Him, not in the fleeting validation that comes from searching for it in the eyes of my peers.
Because, when it all comes down to the end, it will be God that judges me, and no one else. It is His approval alone that I should be searching for. In Him, I should find all the validation that I need.
My freshman year, I was a little obnoxious (okay, a lot obnoxious) and I pushed a lot of people away. But after a really amazing and changing summer, I came back to APU a new person. I was finally okay with myself and had relaxed, which allowed me to make deeper friendships.
During my sophomore year, I became good friends with a young man who later revealed to me that I had been kind of overwhelming freshman year. I laughed about it, remembering how out of control I was and wondering how anyone could have put up with me. I secretly asked God to bless the people who had stuck it out with me during that time of my life.
But it made me assume that all of my relational problems had been solved and that I was now someone who could befriend anyone.
Sadly, I have found recently that this is not the case. A few of my relationships over the course of senior year have been struggling. And it is hard to find that there are people you just don’t mesh well with. It is hard to deal with the fact that there are people that you will never understand, and that there are people that will never understand you.
But it is even more difficult to be ok with it.
I have a hard time letting things go. I have a “fix-it” problem. I have a need to fix everything. And for some reason, I fix relationships to death. (Especially with boys, but that is not the focus of this column).
When friendships don’t work, I try to solve whatever it is that needs solving. Sometimes I look inward to see if something I am doing is causing a problem, but sometimes I look outward to see if it is the other person.
More and more, however, I am realizing that sometimes, no matter how much problem-solving I might try, things just don’t work. And I need to be okay with that.
But more than that, I am realizing that not getting along with someone does not mean I am less valuable as a person.
I need to get away from my people-pleasing nature. I need to stop worrying so much about how I am viewed in the eyes of those that surround me.
What I, instead, need to focus on is how I look in God’s eyes. I need to find my acceptance in Him, not in the fleeting validation that comes from searching for it in the eyes of my peers.
Because, when it all comes down to the end, it will be God that judges me, and no one else. It is His approval alone that I should be searching for. In Him, I should find all the validation that I need.
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