Hungry

I grabbed another slice of pizza from the box. I knew 2 slices earlier that I would regret every single bite I took, but it didn’t matter. What mattered was how it tasted. It didn’t matter that I had spent nearly two months eating a minute amount of calories and injecting myself with an appetite suppressing hormone to lose the 25 pounds. It mattered that eating it made me feel happy in that moment.

I took another bite, beginning to feel the weight in my stomach… the weight that comes when you know you have eaten way too much… the weight that makes you want to unbutton your pants, put on your largest pair of sweats, and curl up in bed watching pointless reality TV.

But I ignored it, focusing instead on the cheese, and the sauce, and the delicious crispy bread. It didn’t matter that I would feel sick, and guilty, and horrible about eating half of a large pizza within 30 minutes.

But it matters now.

I consider myself to have an eating disorder. An eating disorder is classified as “a group of conditions characterized by abnormal eating habits that may involve either insufficient or excessive food intake to the detriment of an individual's physical and emotional health.”

Abnormal eating habits. That would definitely be me, although I doubt I am as abnormal as some would think, considering the number of Americans who are obese. I have dealt with episodes of both insufficient and excessive food intake for my entire life; one to attempt a drastic weight loss, the other to satisfy my incessant cravings. Every once in a while I will try to eat nothing for a day or two, but I always realize how bad it is for me and my metabolism… just before stuffing my face with something that is just as bad for me as not eating. Some other times I have eaten and felt immediately guilty, so I will go throw up. I want to be clear that I am not bulimic. I have only done this on a handful of occasions over the past 10 years… but even that handful is too many.

I am approximately 50 pounds over the top point of a health weight range for someone my height, and all I can focus on is the fact that I am hungry. I am hungry all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. And the only way I can make the hunger go away is to stuff myself so full that I can only focus on how full I am, and curl up in my jammies and watch reality TV.

I have great goals for myself on how tomorrow will be. Gym in the morning, lots of fruits and veggies and protein, take a walk during lunch and again after I get home from work. Always tomorrow. And occasionally I can follow through on those goals. But only for a limited time. Only long enough that I have dropped 10-15 pounds, or until I can see the puffiness has left my face. Then it is right back to stuffing myself and laying around watching TV.

I am telling you this because I am looking for help. I am looking to someone who has been through this to give me advice, to give me a book name, to give me prayers.

I am hungry... not just for food, but for happiness and a desire to be healthy. I want to love the body I have been so destructive towards. Please help me do that.

Stay Positive

I try to stay positive about my future. But I can’t get away from the nagging feeling that I have missed the boat on a few things… mostly concerning my education. After browsing Facebook recently it has become incredibly noticeable that so many of the people I graduated with have not only gone on to graduate school, but have finished, and moved on to pursue their chosen careers.

I don’t want to be a downer. I am very aware of the things that make me special and unique, as well as how that the choices I have made have led me to so many wonderful things, including my amazing boyfriend, my awesome job and a great handful of friends.

But I am also aware of the fact that one particular choice (maybe not a CHOICE, but a lack of direction) has led me to being nearly 24 and feeling like I might not get to walk in the direction I want to. I want to pick up and move across the country in pursuit of my goals and dreams. I want to make big changes. But I feel rooted to the ground. And I am afraid I might never get the chance to break free and run.

Matched

I’ve never believed in soul mates. I’m not even sure I do now. I’ve always liked to believe that there are many people in the world that would compliment me nicely, and that whichever path I choose will lead me to one of them.

I never thought I would find this kind of love. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would find someone I feel so perfectly matched to.

There is no specific incident in recent memory that is causing me to bubble forth ooey-gooey-ness about the man I love. There wasn’t a specifically romantic moment that caused my heart to explode, or a random event that made me twitter patted.

No… it is a thousand, seemingly miniscule occurrences that impact me daily.

It is the way he always cooks my dinner first, then his own, in our very tiny pans.

It is the way he encourages me about my future, and our future.

It is the way he always lets me have the green comfy couch to lay on when I want to read.

It is the way he smiles when he sees me smile.

It is the way he knows me, and my quirkiness, and the thoughts I have, sometimes before they are fully completed in my own mind.

It is these small things, and as I said earlier, a thousand others, that remind me daily why I have fallen so in love with him. I couldn’t express accurately in words, no matter how verbose I might become in the future, how I truly feel about him. Even at the risk of sounding cliché, the love I feel for him is beyond words.

Thank you, man that I love, for being you, and for loving me.

The Official Grad School Application List - 2010

Here it is! Hopefully, I will get a LOT of acceptances, and have a horribly difficult time trying to decide between such lovely programs. However, here is how they rank to me:

1. Indiana University - Bloomington, IN

2. New York University - New York, NY

3. University of South Carolina - Columbia, SC

4. University of Arkansas - Fayetteville, AR

5. Ohio State University - Columbus, OH

6. Vermont University - Burlington, VT

7. Ball State University - Muncie, IN

8. Harvard University - Cambridge, MA

9. University of Denver - Denver, CO

10. Vanderbilt University - Nashville, TN

I am so excited!

I love how God works.

I graduated from college in May 2008 with a B.A. in Journalism and no clue what I wanted to do with my life. I was working at a restaurant, had just moved into my too-expensive apartment in Sierra Madre, and felt completely lost, wondering if I would ever figure things out.

After getting my job at Southwestern Law School in L.A., I realized I wanted to work at a college or university, and I knew I loved to write, so I began applying to M.F.A. in Creative Writing programs all over the country. Much to my chagrin, I was only admitted to 2 programs, neither of which provided me with a Teaching Assistantship. I didn’t even care about how expensive the program was. I wanted the teaching experience, and it was highly doubtful I would get it.

I moped around for months trying to figure out what step to take next. I realized that if I wasn't itching to apply for M.F.A. programs again, it probably wasn't the direction I was supposed to go, but had no idea what that meant for my future.

I applied for different positions at my work (Admissions Counselor and Event Coordinator) and was (luckily) selected for neither.

Then I found out about Higher Education master’s programs – programs where I would get training in psychology and counseling, and take courses about the history of higher education , college students today, and applying research. I can get a job working in Student Affairs, Greek Life, Residence Life or any other student centered department, or work in an administrative job similar to what I am doing now, but at a more elevated level.

I am so excited about the future today. I am excited about my life with my boyfriend, the exciting things in front of us, and this wonderful new path that will lead to so many adventures.