I made the decision about 6 months ago to go back to school. Sure, my job is boring. I wake up at 7am everyday and don't get back until 7pm, and I spend most of my time on the computer. But it isn't just the monotony of my current job that is pushing me to go back to school.
I miss school. I miss living on/near campus, rolling out of bed to make it to class and bumming around the coffee shop in my sweats. But most importantly, I miss learning. I miss studying and reading and using my brain all the time. It is important to me to be intelligent and well-prepared for anything, and I feel like my mind is beginning to get mushy. That is why I have decided to forge ahead to graduate school to get out of this mushy slump.
I couldn't be more thrilled. I have been working non-stop on my writing sample (25-30 pages of creative non-fiction) and reworking my personal statement/letter of intent/statement of purpose for each school over and over. I have all of my letters of recommendation in place, however one professor who agreed still hasn't gotten back to me about it. Yikes! I hope it turns out ok!
I am also thrilled to report that my boyfriend will be moving with me when I go! Danny is so supportive and it will make picking up and moving across the country so much easier and enjoyable with him there.
I am so excited!!!!
10.19.2009
12.29.2008
Deserving of Mourning
At 22 years old, he had everything to live for. It sounds cliché, but it’s the truth. He was a few months away from his college graduation and the beginning of the rest of his life. He had a strong, supportive family, a loving girlfriend and a future filled with open doors.
Ryan Armstrong was murdered on Friday, December 26th outside of a sports bar in Temecula, CA. The story my family was told on the morning of the 27th has seemed to change a lot since we heard the news. Originally he was in a fight with someone and he was stabbed and both of their bodies were lying in the hospital with the other person barely surviving. Then it turned out that other person lying in the hospital was a friend, and Ryan had gotten into a fight with a stranger who was being rude to his girlfriend. The story changed slightly a few more times before we heard that Ryan had stepped outside of the bar and been jumped by the other man and his friends and repeatedly stabbed before those other men hopped in their car and drove off. But no matter what really happened, the death of a young life is always a tragedy.
Ron and Debbie Armstrong have been the pastor and pastor’s wife of Cornerstone Community Church in Wildomar since I can remember. I grew up in that church. Our family lived a mile away from the Armstrong’s. I went over to their house and played basketball with their sons and ate dinner with them once as a child. I always felt so cool being at their house. They and my parents rotated who would drive Ryan and his brother Ross and I to school in junior high. Ron and Debbie love people. They always have. Not only have they given their entire lives to God, but they have given their lives to their church as well. I have always loved that church, and when I left for college, I always wondered how I would find a place that felt like Cornerstone did. So to see someone who has been so close to my family go through such a loss… it’s heartbreaking.
Here I am, sitting at my desk at work, trying to keep my tears back so the computer screen isn’t so blurry, crying because Ryan was too young to go… because a family close to ours lost a son… because life is too damn short… and because Ryan lived a life that is deserving of mourning.
Ryan Armstrong was murdered on Friday, December 26th outside of a sports bar in Temecula, CA. The story my family was told on the morning of the 27th has seemed to change a lot since we heard the news. Originally he was in a fight with someone and he was stabbed and both of their bodies were lying in the hospital with the other person barely surviving. Then it turned out that other person lying in the hospital was a friend, and Ryan had gotten into a fight with a stranger who was being rude to his girlfriend. The story changed slightly a few more times before we heard that Ryan had stepped outside of the bar and been jumped by the other man and his friends and repeatedly stabbed before those other men hopped in their car and drove off. But no matter what really happened, the death of a young life is always a tragedy.
Ron and Debbie Armstrong have been the pastor and pastor’s wife of Cornerstone Community Church in Wildomar since I can remember. I grew up in that church. Our family lived a mile away from the Armstrong’s. I went over to their house and played basketball with their sons and ate dinner with them once as a child. I always felt so cool being at their house. They and my parents rotated who would drive Ryan and his brother Ross and I to school in junior high. Ron and Debbie love people. They always have. Not only have they given their entire lives to God, but they have given their lives to their church as well. I have always loved that church, and when I left for college, I always wondered how I would find a place that felt like Cornerstone did. So to see someone who has been so close to my family go through such a loss… it’s heartbreaking.
Here I am, sitting at my desk at work, trying to keep my tears back so the computer screen isn’t so blurry, crying because Ryan was too young to go… because a family close to ours lost a son… because life is too damn short… and because Ryan lived a life that is deserving of mourning.
Rest In Peace, Ryan Armstrong
By MICHAEL PERRAULT and JOHN ASBURY
The Press-Enterprise
WILDOMAR - Emotional parishioners who gathered Sunday morning at Cornerstone Community Church struggled to make sense of the Friday night stabbing death of 22-year-old Ryan Joshua Armstrong, son of the church's founding and senior pastor the Rev. Ron Armstrong.
"There are times when I say, 'God, I don't get it,' " the Rev. Ron Baum, executive pastor, told a standing-room-only crowd gathered among Christmas trees and wreaths at the Wildomar church.
Instead of a joyous post-Christmas celebration that had been planned, churchgoers wept, prayed and sang, vowing to rally around their pastor, his wife Debbie and their other son, Ross.
"I told (Ron) what he has been telling all of us for the last 17 years: It's going to be OK," said Mike Brisson, associate pastor.
Ryan Armstrong was stabbed to death Friday night during a fight outside the ET Sports Lounge on Jefferson Avenue in Temecula.
Riverside County sheriff's detectives identified and were searching for several people at the bar Friday night, but no arrests have been made.
"We've identified several people involved in the stabbing. It's just a matter of locating and questioning them," said Central Homicide Sgt. Dean Spivacke.
Armstrong and his friends had been in the bar for about 45 minutes when the argument started with another group of people around 10 p.m.
As the arguments began to diffuse, Armstrong had reportedly gone to resolve things with the other group when the fight grew physical and spilled out a back door into an alley where Armstrong was stabbed, Spivacke said.
Neither of the groups previously knew each other and there were no gang affiliations, Spivacke said.
Deputies have not said what caused the argument.
"The fight had died down when the victim tried to make peace," Spivacke said, according to witnesses. "That's when they attacked Ryan."
Also stabbed during the altercation was Joel Ross, son of Hugh Ross, a minister at Sierra Madre Congressional Church and president of the Pasadena-based nonprofit international science-faith think tank, Reasons to Believe.
Ross was listed in critical condition but was expected to survive.
Armstrong was a Chapman University student, majoring in public relations and advertising, who was in Murrieta visiting friends and family for the holidays, Baum said.
Brisson was neighbors to the Armstrongs for five years in the mid-1990s, as well as youth pastor. He remembers Ryan Armstrong as a typical rough-and-tumble boy who loved sports, played roller hockey, enjoyed martial arts and wrestled with his brother.
"The thing that always impressed me about Ryan was how he cared about people," Brisson said. "He (grew to be) a very intelligent young man. I guess what is such a shame to me is I really just saw great things for him. He wasn't just a guy going through life. Ryan would have made his mark in the world."
The Press-Enterprise
WILDOMAR - Emotional parishioners who gathered Sunday morning at Cornerstone Community Church struggled to make sense of the Friday night stabbing death of 22-year-old Ryan Joshua Armstrong, son of the church's founding and senior pastor the Rev. Ron Armstrong.
"There are times when I say, 'God, I don't get it,' " the Rev. Ron Baum, executive pastor, told a standing-room-only crowd gathered among Christmas trees and wreaths at the Wildomar church.
Instead of a joyous post-Christmas celebration that had been planned, churchgoers wept, prayed and sang, vowing to rally around their pastor, his wife Debbie and their other son, Ross.
"I told (Ron) what he has been telling all of us for the last 17 years: It's going to be OK," said Mike Brisson, associate pastor.
Ryan Armstrong was stabbed to death Friday night during a fight outside the ET Sports Lounge on Jefferson Avenue in Temecula.
Riverside County sheriff's detectives identified and were searching for several people at the bar Friday night, but no arrests have been made.
"We've identified several people involved in the stabbing. It's just a matter of locating and questioning them," said Central Homicide Sgt. Dean Spivacke.
Armstrong and his friends had been in the bar for about 45 minutes when the argument started with another group of people around 10 p.m.
As the arguments began to diffuse, Armstrong had reportedly gone to resolve things with the other group when the fight grew physical and spilled out a back door into an alley where Armstrong was stabbed, Spivacke said.
Neither of the groups previously knew each other and there were no gang affiliations, Spivacke said.
Deputies have not said what caused the argument.
"The fight had died down when the victim tried to make peace," Spivacke said, according to witnesses. "That's when they attacked Ryan."
Also stabbed during the altercation was Joel Ross, son of Hugh Ross, a minister at Sierra Madre Congressional Church and president of the Pasadena-based nonprofit international science-faith think tank, Reasons to Believe.
Ross was listed in critical condition but was expected to survive.
Armstrong was a Chapman University student, majoring in public relations and advertising, who was in Murrieta visiting friends and family for the holidays, Baum said.
Brisson was neighbors to the Armstrongs for five years in the mid-1990s, as well as youth pastor. He remembers Ryan Armstrong as a typical rough-and-tumble boy who loved sports, played roller hockey, enjoyed martial arts and wrestled with his brother.
"The thing that always impressed me about Ryan was how he cared about people," Brisson said. "He (grew to be) a very intelligent young man. I guess what is such a shame to me is I really just saw great things for him. He wasn't just a guy going through life. Ryan would have made his mark in the world."
4.07.2008
The Clutches of Adulthood
I feel broken.
I feel absolutely terrified.
My future is creeping closer and closer and there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do to prevent it from swallowing me whole. I go back and forth with whether or not I am prepared for the clutches of adulthood, whether I am going to succeed at taking full responsibility for myself or crumble and fail miserably.
My heart soars when I recognize the fact that I am completely finished with the monotony of papers, lectures and tedious busywork that is college. But then I think of the day in and day out of a full-time job. What am I really looking for?
I know I am meant for something. I know that I wasn’t made with the desire to serve others with my whole heart for no reason. But how do I go about finding my path? How am I supposed to decide at 21 years old what it is I was designed to do? My heart is in service. My passion is to love people and do everything within my capabilities to better the lives of others. Large paychecks, materialistic desires and a comfortable lifestyle are far from what I am seeking. I want nothing to do with serving myself. I live my life with the simple desire of giving. But in a world that is so consumed with bigger and better it is difficult to get by without getting sucked into the cycle of ‘more.’ And I do want more.
But the ‘more’ I want isn’t more stuff. It isn’t more money. It’s more satisfaction. It is more contentment. A satisfaction and contentment that I think can only be found when I finally figure out what it is God has planned for my life. Not his entire blueprint. But at least the little puzzle piece that is my present place.
I know it will get easier. I know I will look back on this time in my life in 20 years and think I had it made and wonder why it is I didn’t enjoy the simplicity of young adulthood. But right now, I am broken and absolutely terrified. And I don’t see that changing anytime soon.
I feel absolutely terrified.
My future is creeping closer and closer and there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do to prevent it from swallowing me whole. I go back and forth with whether or not I am prepared for the clutches of adulthood, whether I am going to succeed at taking full responsibility for myself or crumble and fail miserably.
My heart soars when I recognize the fact that I am completely finished with the monotony of papers, lectures and tedious busywork that is college. But then I think of the day in and day out of a full-time job. What am I really looking for?
I know I am meant for something. I know that I wasn’t made with the desire to serve others with my whole heart for no reason. But how do I go about finding my path? How am I supposed to decide at 21 years old what it is I was designed to do? My heart is in service. My passion is to love people and do everything within my capabilities to better the lives of others. Large paychecks, materialistic desires and a comfortable lifestyle are far from what I am seeking. I want nothing to do with serving myself. I live my life with the simple desire of giving. But in a world that is so consumed with bigger and better it is difficult to get by without getting sucked into the cycle of ‘more.’ And I do want more.
But the ‘more’ I want isn’t more stuff. It isn’t more money. It’s more satisfaction. It is more contentment. A satisfaction and contentment that I think can only be found when I finally figure out what it is God has planned for my life. Not his entire blueprint. But at least the little puzzle piece that is my present place.
I know it will get easier. I know I will look back on this time in my life in 20 years and think I had it made and wonder why it is I didn’t enjoy the simplicity of young adulthood. But right now, I am broken and absolutely terrified. And I don’t see that changing anytime soon.
2.19.2008
Forgiving the Past
“Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a different past.” ~ Anne Lamott
We can’t change our pasts. We don’t have the capability of hopping into our Deloreans and heading backwards to re-do some event in our life. And we most definitely cannot change the past actions of anyone else.
If someone said that to you, you would roll your eyes and wonder what they were smoking, and maybe where you could get some. But you probably wouldn’t find those thoughts to be bits of wisdom, and wouldn’t mark them as a part your favorite quotes on your Facebook wall.
But I have been thinking a lot about my past, the events and people that influenced me and who I am as a person today, and I’ve realized that I dwell too much on what could have been. I let the “if-onlys” and the “what ifs” permeate my mind to a point where I have lost track of what the reality is.
Let me explain:
My father, the eternal bachelor – a man who’s life revolved around his career, the new woman he took home the night before, and the bottle of Patron waiting for him in his cabinet – was not mature enough to handle the prospect of a child, even at 35. He knew he wanted nothing to do with me before I was born and my mother had to take him to court to get him involved in my life, both financially and physically.
Once I was born, however, he became more accepting of the situation, especially since he was being forced into it and really didn’t have a choice, and acted in a way he thought was befitting of a father figure in his situation. But in truth, my father’s presence in my life was out of requirement by law and consisted of little more than visitations every other weekend, and sometimes on holidays.
Now, I am in no way saying that my father does not love me. I am not implying that I was the collateral damage that came from his relationship with my mom. But I am attempting to convey what our relationship is. It is something that was formed out of obligation. And, looking back, I am seeing that it hasn’t changed much in about 21 years.
We talk on the phone only when I call several times a day for two weeks straight and finally get a hold of him. We see each other only if I drive out to his house. He does not see the need to pursue a relationship with me because he knows that, out of duty, he will end up seeing me and catching up with me eventually, once I track him down, as if he owes it to me because I worked so hard to find him.
So, how does this tie into our inability to change the past? I think I have never truly been able to forgive my father for not being the dad I wanted and needed, because I have never been able to accept the fact that I cannot change him.
I used to think that if I conceded to the idea that my dad and I will never have a perfect relationship, it is because I have given up... because I wasn't willing to work hard enough at being the daughter he wanted to spend time with, a daughter he thought was worth something. But in reality, it is simply allowing myself to accept my father for who he is, who he has always been, and know that the things that have transpired in my past are unchangeable.
And through that knowledge, I just might be able to forgive my dad for my past, but still hold on hope for a better future.
We can’t change our pasts. We don’t have the capability of hopping into our Deloreans and heading backwards to re-do some event in our life. And we most definitely cannot change the past actions of anyone else.
If someone said that to you, you would roll your eyes and wonder what they were smoking, and maybe where you could get some. But you probably wouldn’t find those thoughts to be bits of wisdom, and wouldn’t mark them as a part your favorite quotes on your Facebook wall.
But I have been thinking a lot about my past, the events and people that influenced me and who I am as a person today, and I’ve realized that I dwell too much on what could have been. I let the “if-onlys” and the “what ifs” permeate my mind to a point where I have lost track of what the reality is.
Let me explain:
My father, the eternal bachelor – a man who’s life revolved around his career, the new woman he took home the night before, and the bottle of Patron waiting for him in his cabinet – was not mature enough to handle the prospect of a child, even at 35. He knew he wanted nothing to do with me before I was born and my mother had to take him to court to get him involved in my life, both financially and physically.
Once I was born, however, he became more accepting of the situation, especially since he was being forced into it and really didn’t have a choice, and acted in a way he thought was befitting of a father figure in his situation. But in truth, my father’s presence in my life was out of requirement by law and consisted of little more than visitations every other weekend, and sometimes on holidays.
Now, I am in no way saying that my father does not love me. I am not implying that I was the collateral damage that came from his relationship with my mom. But I am attempting to convey what our relationship is. It is something that was formed out of obligation. And, looking back, I am seeing that it hasn’t changed much in about 21 years.
We talk on the phone only when I call several times a day for two weeks straight and finally get a hold of him. We see each other only if I drive out to his house. He does not see the need to pursue a relationship with me because he knows that, out of duty, he will end up seeing me and catching up with me eventually, once I track him down, as if he owes it to me because I worked so hard to find him.
So, how does this tie into our inability to change the past? I think I have never truly been able to forgive my father for not being the dad I wanted and needed, because I have never been able to accept the fact that I cannot change him.
I used to think that if I conceded to the idea that my dad and I will never have a perfect relationship, it is because I have given up... because I wasn't willing to work hard enough at being the daughter he wanted to spend time with, a daughter he thought was worth something. But in reality, it is simply allowing myself to accept my father for who he is, who he has always been, and know that the things that have transpired in my past are unchangeable.
And through that knowledge, I just might be able to forgive my dad for my past, but still hold on hope for a better future.
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