And finally..... Acceptance

I have been accepted to grad school.

No wait, no wait… It gets better…

I have been accepted at TWO of my top three choices.

I am so ecstatic I can hardly think straight. I can’t believe I found my direction, the path I think best suites me as a person and my strengths, and I get to go to school to learn more about it and obtain experience that will provide me with a job meant for me.

Here are the stats in ranks of preference –

TOP 3 (in no particular order)
Indiana University – Conditional Acceptance, Pending Faculty Interview and Assistantship Placement
University of Arkansas – ?
University of South Carolina – ACCEPTED! (Assistantship Interviews are in February, but the acceptance is official, regardless of Assistantship Placement)

IN ORDER OF REMAINING PREFERENCE
New York University – ?
University of Vermont - ?
Ohio State University – ?
Ball State University – Conditional Acceptance, Pending Faculty Interview and Assistantship Placement
Harvard University – ?
University of Denver – ?
Vanderbilt University - ?

It is still a waiting game, but I am not anxious anymore. Regardless of what other schools I am accepted at, and regardless of what assistantship I get (or if I get one, at certain schools), I know I get to go. I know I get to move forward in my career. It’s so cliché, but the future looks so bright right now, I need a pair of sunglasses

Hungry

I grabbed another slice of pizza from the box. I knew 2 slices earlier that I would regret every single bite I took, but it didn’t matter. What mattered was how it tasted. It didn’t matter that I had spent nearly two months eating a minute amount of calories and injecting myself with an appetite suppressing hormone to lose the 25 pounds. It mattered that eating it made me feel happy in that moment.

I took another bite, beginning to feel the weight in my stomach… the weight that comes when you know you have eaten way too much… the weight that makes you want to unbutton your pants, put on your largest pair of sweats, and curl up in bed watching pointless reality TV.

But I ignored it, focusing instead on the cheese, and the sauce, and the delicious crispy bread. It didn’t matter that I would feel sick, and guilty, and horrible about eating half of a large pizza within 30 minutes.

But it matters now.

I consider myself to have an eating disorder. An eating disorder is classified as “a group of conditions characterized by abnormal eating habits that may involve either insufficient or excessive food intake to the detriment of an individual's physical and emotional health.”

Abnormal eating habits. That would definitely be me, although I doubt I am as abnormal as some would think, considering the number of Americans who are obese. I have dealt with episodes of both insufficient and excessive food intake for my entire life; one to attempt a drastic weight loss, the other to satisfy my incessant cravings. Every once in a while I will try to eat nothing for a day or two, but I always realize how bad it is for me and my metabolism… just before stuffing my face with something that is just as bad for me as not eating. Some other times I have eaten and felt immediately guilty, so I will go throw up. I want to be clear that I am not bulimic. I have only done this on a handful of occasions over the past 10 years… but even that handful is too many.

I am approximately 50 pounds over the top point of a health weight range for someone my height, and all I can focus on is the fact that I am hungry. I am hungry all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. And the only way I can make the hunger go away is to stuff myself so full that I can only focus on how full I am, and curl up in my jammies and watch reality TV.

I have great goals for myself on how tomorrow will be. Gym in the morning, lots of fruits and veggies and protein, take a walk during lunch and again after I get home from work. Always tomorrow. And occasionally I can follow through on those goals. But only for a limited time. Only long enough that I have dropped 10-15 pounds, or until I can see the puffiness has left my face. Then it is right back to stuffing myself and laying around watching TV.

I am telling you this because I am looking for help. I am looking to someone who has been through this to give me advice, to give me a book name, to give me prayers.

I am hungry... not just for food, but for happiness and a desire to be healthy. I want to love the body I have been so destructive towards. Please help me do that.

Stay Positive

I try to stay positive about my future. But I can’t get away from the nagging feeling that I have missed the boat on a few things… mostly concerning my education. After browsing Facebook recently it has become incredibly noticeable that so many of the people I graduated with have not only gone on to graduate school, but have finished, and moved on to pursue their chosen careers.

I don’t want to be a downer. I am very aware of the things that make me special and unique, as well as how that the choices I have made have led me to so many wonderful things, including my amazing boyfriend, my awesome job and a great handful of friends.

But I am also aware of the fact that one particular choice (maybe not a CHOICE, but a lack of direction) has led me to being nearly 24 and feeling like I might not get to walk in the direction I want to. I want to pick up and move across the country in pursuit of my goals and dreams. I want to make big changes. But I feel rooted to the ground. And I am afraid I might never get the chance to break free and run.

Matched

I’ve never believed in soul mates. I’m not even sure I do now. I’ve always liked to believe that there are many people in the world that would compliment me nicely, and that whichever path I choose will lead me to one of them.

I never thought I would find this kind of love. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would find someone I feel so perfectly matched to.

There is no specific incident in recent memory that is causing me to bubble forth ooey-gooey-ness about the man I love. There wasn’t a specifically romantic moment that caused my heart to explode, or a random event that made me twitter patted.

No… it is a thousand, seemingly miniscule occurrences that impact me daily.

It is the way he always cooks my dinner first, then his own, in our very tiny pans.

It is the way he encourages me about my future, and our future.

It is the way he always lets me have the green comfy couch to lay on when I want to read.

It is the way he smiles when he sees me smile.

It is the way he knows me, and my quirkiness, and the thoughts I have, sometimes before they are fully completed in my own mind.

It is these small things, and as I said earlier, a thousand others, that remind me daily why I have fallen so in love with him. I couldn’t express accurately in words, no matter how verbose I might become in the future, how I truly feel about him. Even at the risk of sounding cliché, the love I feel for him is beyond words.

Thank you, man that I love, for being you, and for loving me.

The Official Grad School Application List - 2010

Here it is! Hopefully, I will get a LOT of acceptances, and have a horribly difficult time trying to decide between such lovely programs. However, here is how they rank to me:

1. Indiana University - Bloomington, IN

2. New York University - New York, NY

3. University of South Carolina - Columbia, SC

4. University of Arkansas - Fayetteville, AR

5. Ohio State University - Columbus, OH

6. Vermont University - Burlington, VT

7. Ball State University - Muncie, IN

8. Harvard University - Cambridge, MA

9. University of Denver - Denver, CO

10. Vanderbilt University - Nashville, TN

I am so excited!

I love how God works.

I graduated from college in May 2008 with a B.A. in Journalism and no clue what I wanted to do with my life. I was working at a restaurant, had just moved into my too-expensive apartment in Sierra Madre, and felt completely lost, wondering if I would ever figure things out.

After getting my job at Southwestern Law School in L.A., I realized I wanted to work at a college or university, and I knew I loved to write, so I began applying to M.F.A. in Creative Writing programs all over the country. Much to my chagrin, I was only admitted to 2 programs, neither of which provided me with a Teaching Assistantship. I didn’t even care about how expensive the program was. I wanted the teaching experience, and it was highly doubtful I would get it.

I moped around for months trying to figure out what step to take next. I realized that if I wasn't itching to apply for M.F.A. programs again, it probably wasn't the direction I was supposed to go, but had no idea what that meant for my future.

I applied for different positions at my work (Admissions Counselor and Event Coordinator) and was (luckily) selected for neither.

Then I found out about Higher Education master’s programs – programs where I would get training in psychology and counseling, and take courses about the history of higher education , college students today, and applying research. I can get a job working in Student Affairs, Greek Life, Residence Life or any other student centered department, or work in an administrative job similar to what I am doing now, but at a more elevated level.

I am so excited about the future today. I am excited about my life with my boyfriend, the exciting things in front of us, and this wonderful new path that will lead to so many adventures.

Poet. Pirate. Pilgrim. President.

One of my dad’s favorite stories to tell me as a child was that we (the Collett Family) are descendants of a famous poet, a well known pirate, a pilgrim, and a president. I always rolled my eyes because even though my dad tells some outlandish stories that can only be true because he is Steve Collett, this one just always seemed a little far-fetched. It also didn’t help that he couldn’t remember any of their names, considering it was something he was so proud of. A poet, a pirate, a pilgrim and a president. I couldn’t care less unless one of them was Irish.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be Irish. My friend Whitney has the most beautiful, deep, dark, red hair, and I am always jealous of the gingers that walk around with their heads gloriously aflame. But, alas, the light, strawberry tones in my mane are barely recognizable. Even my boyfriend tells me I am blonde (which I am not, bee-tee-double u). If I can’t be a red-head, I would at least settle for a super obvious last name, like an O’Malley, O’Brien, or McLaughlin… basically any of the O’s or Mc’s would do. Or maybe Doyle, or Finnegan (although, I think Jillian Finnegan sounds like a cartoon name). My good friend Laura Roland had the most beautiful maiden name – McGranaghan.

But no… I am just a frumpy, blonde, Collett.

That’s how I felt about where I came from until about 3 months ago, when I met the Collett family for a huge birthday celebration at a swanky Laguna Beach restaurant. It was the first time since my cousin Dana’s wedding in 2004 that I could remember this many of us being together, and it was the first time I was old enough to drink with everyone, as well as the first time anyone took me seriously as a young adult.

It was probably one of the most wonderful evenings I have had in my life. Not only were we all incredibly loud and obviously intoxicated, but my face hurt so bad when I left from laughing so hard, I could still feel it the next day.

I have always felt a little bit insecure about who I am. I am short, tubby and have a HUGE personality. I laugh loudly, crack inappropriate jokes, and I can be pretty damn crass. I enjoy hard alcohol in the right company and drink quickly. I’m very liberal for a Christian, and I live and love passionately, and unapologetically. These are all things I actually really enjoy about myself.

But when I spend time with my mom’s family, I always feel a little out of place. All of them are super-super religious conservative, look down on drinking, and most of them are easily irritated and quickly offended. Most of the things that come out of my mouth are considered rude, obnoxious or offensive. I spend most of our family gatherings either on edge trying to fit in, or purposefully trying to piss everyone off because I am sick of censoring myself. I always loved this group of people, but was very unsure of how I fit into the family.

On that night in June, as the Collett Family was sitting around 5 tables squished together, drinking, laughing, telling jokes and stories (some of them too outlandish to be true, but WERE in fact true) I finally realized where I am from. I finally understood where I fit in, why I am who I am.

I’m a Collett, and I couldn’t be happier, or more proud.

Reflection #1

At the private Christian university where I went to college, on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings from 9:30am to 10:20am, all three thousand undergraduate students are required to sit through Chapel. Most of the time, if I could get over myself, it was actually pretty enjoyable. Occasionally, we had some really great speakers.

We were allowed 10 absences a semester, and during Chapel we were not allowed to use technology, i.e. sitting in the back row with headphones in, watching the latest episode of LOST would be frowned upon. In fact, during my senior year, the school developed a policy stating that if we were caught on our phones, computers, iPods, etc., we would lose chapel credit for that day, meaning we would need to go to one of the evening services to make up for it, or even though we sat through chapel that day, it would count as an absence.

On one particular morning, when I was feeling very unChristian and not so into worship-iness, I plopped myself down in the very back row in the corner, near an exit, and started playing Tetris on my cell phone. TWO MINUTES before chapel was supposed to commence, a chapel card monitor (students paid by the school to collect our cards at the end of chapel to prove we were there) walked right up to me, snatched my chapel card out of my hands and said, in the most irritatingly I-have-power-and-you-don't voice I have ever heard, “No chapel credit for you today,” and walked off.

Now, I am not the first person who has had problems with this particular chapel card monitor. All of my friends have experienced his terrorizing reign and often choose to go to a different chapel hall if they know which one he is going to be at. But most of them just sit in their seats and grumble, or whine about it to their friends later on.

After his bitchy remark, my mouth dropped open and I looked around in disbelief to see if anyone else had seen what just happened. At least four or five people were looking at me, their mouths just as wide. On most occasions when I was in college (and my rage wasn’t as intense as it is today) I would have just let it go. But not that day:

“Excuse me,” I said, following him down the aisle being anything but discreet. “Why am I not getting chapel credit?” I asked, with as much attitude as I could muster.

“I saw you on your phone,” he replied.

“I was checking the time,” I lied to him. “Chapel is almost over, I just wanted to see how much time was left.”

He looked at me with the most diva expression I have ever seen on a man, popped his hip to the side and said, “It’s called a watch,” and then after raising his own right arm so I could get a good look at HIS Faux-lex continued, “Maybe it’s time to invest in one.”

The rage that built up inside of me was stronger than any emotion I could ever remember feeling before. By that time, students were bursting out of doors handing their own chapel cards to him and all of the other card monitors.

It took everything inside of me not to smack all of those chapel cards out of his hands, and follow it with a nice punch right in the center of his evil eyes (seriously, he could play a villain in a James Bond movie, that’s how much I hated this guy). But instead, I took a breath and stormed off, muttering foul words under my breath.

After several years of reflection, I can honestly say that I have thought about this occasion several times and have come to the following conclusion:

That guy is still a huge douche, and I hope he continues to have no friends.

The End!

Passion

I hope one day I can be as dedicated and passionate about something as my sister. Caitlin just graduated from high school, and she had her final dance performance with the dance company she has been a part of for 15 years. She is so in love with the ability that she has been given. You can see the dedication dripping off of her body when she finishes practice. You can see the joy of Christ in her eyes when she is on that stage.
I want to be that in love with something some day. I want to be that passionate about something I do. Now… if I can just figure out what that something is…

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

I’m frustrated at the weird in-between place my life is right now. There are so many things I want to do, but I can’t do any of them until something else happens, something that is completely out of my control.

I want to go to grad school, but because I want a teaching assistantship, I have to wait until January 2011 to submit new work to George Mason University to be considered. Then I would have to wait until September 2011 to start school. STOP.

I want to buy a house, and I am financially able and ready to do so all on my own… but how do you buy a house on your own when you want to have that “first-home” experience with your husband, and when your husband is actually your current, heel dragging boyfriend of 2 years. STOP.

I want to drop everything and follow the “around the world travelling itinerary” that I made for myself, experience other cultures, get odd jobs and teach English in Japan. But I want to experience it with someone, preferably my current boyfriend, but we agreed we wouldn’t attempt that until we get married… and I have NO idea when THAT’s happening. STOP.

I want to get a dog, but I live in an apartment without insulation, without central air, and without a yard, and I don’t want to move again until I buy a house… which I won’t do until I get married. STOP.

I want to do so many more things like this, but I feel like I am being forced to stop at all of these stop signs, where I just sit alone, waiting for everything else to catch up, and while my friends and family just do nothing more than tap the breaks at every single sign, and continue on. It seems like everyone is moving, getting married, going back to school, taking steps forward in their futures… steps I am willing to take, that I want to take, but I can’t.

And I don’t know how to make it better.

Any suggestions?

I Don't Want To

I hate my body.

I ate like a fatty yesterday, and the worst part wasn’t even that I ate so much food I felt sick. The worst part was that I felt sick the entire time I was eating.

Normally, when I’m going to eat a lot of Italian food or burgers or anything else that is bad for me, I’m hungry when I start and by the end of the meal I feel stuffed, but I don’t feel sick until 30-60 minutes later. I have always attributed my inability to recognize when I have eaten too much to the fact I am overweight (along with my predilection for carbs). But I came to a literally sickening realization last night as I kept eating after I could feel myself getting so full I was miserable.

I hate my body.

My compulsive overeating is affecting almost every aspect of my life. When I eat too much and too unhealthily to take care of myself, I don’t work as hard at my job, I want to spend all of my time in my apartment away from everyone who might think something about my weight, and my body doesn’t feel up to going to the gym.

And what else happens when I’m eating so much that I feel sick and depressed and ugly? I have a hard time letting my boyfriend love me. I tell him how I feel every so often, but I don’t think he really understands how torn up I am inside.

Every time I go on a diet, it lasts 3-4 weeks, and I’m right back to stuffing my face again.

I am at the very end of my rope… and I don’t know where to go from here. The only thing I know is…

I hate my body…

But I don’t want to anymore.

Rocking Chairs and Laffy Taffy

I stepped off the plane in Charleston and breathed in the sugary air. I could instantly feel my skin begin to moisten and my arms felt sluggish and sticky, like Laffy Taffy, as I tried to carry all of my bags to the Arrival Gate. The only time I had seen this many trees in one place was when I worked at Hume Lake in the Sequoia National Forest, and that was a forest. These trees were huge, green, leafies, and they were surrounding an airport of all places.

We walked through the terminal quickly, eager to meet our friend Tucker at the exit, but something caught my eye that made me stop for quick moment. Facing the windows that overlooked planes pulling to their gates was a row of rocking chairs. A small giggle escaped from my lips as I observed a couple rocking back and forth, waiting for their loved one to arrive.

I could immediately tell this was going to be not only an exciting vacation, but an interesting one, full of lessons about taking my time and possibly not honking my car horn as much.

We continued on through the rest of the terminal until we reached the Arrival Gate. Tucker pulled up in his car and after exchanging hugs and hellos, I plopped myself in the backseat with the flurry-tailed dogs, who were eager to get in their kisses, too. When Tucker finally pulled away from the airport I rolled down my window to cool myself off a bit, and was hit with sugar air again. I put my arm outside and let the air hit me, and it felt just like sticky, slow, sweet Laffy Taffy.

I've Got a Feeling... That Tonight's Gonna Be A _______ Night.

Tonight I am doing a reading with my writing workshop at the Eagle Rock Center for the Arts, and I have been looking forward to it for several weeks. I was so excited about sharing my work with people I didn’t know, and thrilled to find out that the Pasadena Weekly is going to be coming.

But I woke up this morning with this nasty black scarf of anxiety clinging to my neck. I am terrified that I picked the wrong piece of work to read and worried that I am going to shake a little bit or screw-up the words when I talk.

I want to do a good job. I want to read something that will connect with people. But I’m afraid the selection I have chosen about my mom and me is far from anything anyone could connect with. Do I come across as arrogant or childish or selfish or bratty? Is there some sense of closure? Or will anyone want to read more of it? I still have a lot of re-working to do today, and I am pretty sure I may just end up changing pieces all together, but I’m worried it won’t be enough, or it won’t matter.

I just want tonight to be a good night.

A good, good night.

Blocked and Bored with Myself.

I’ve been trying desperately to write something over the past several weeks – anything, really – and I am unable to get out more than a few sentences before I delete them and start over. I’ve done it several dozen times and each time I get more and more stressed. Why can’t I get anything down? I would think to myself. Maybe my ability to write is only forced under pressure.

After playing around with that idea for a while, I thought of something else. Maybe the writing part of my brain has been numbed by all the television and movies and video games that have been seeping into my brain more rampantly than ever. So I picked up Pride & Prejudice and started reading, trying to find a more “literary Jill” than is normally around. I am nearly 20 chapters in and still… nothing.

In fact, this little blog post is the longest cohesive anything I have written in at least a month.

Part of me thinks I never have anything to write about because I never do anything exciting. But even that logic isn’t completely sound. I do a lot of exciting things. I lived in NY for a summer during college, I have taken trips to Vegas, Phoenix, Chicago, Notre Dame and NYC since I graduated, I was walked in on in Vegas, I sang karaoke in Phoenix, I rented my first rental car in Chicago, I saw my first live college football game in Notre Dame, and I took trapeze lessons in NYC. Why can’t I find anything exciting or meaningful to write about? I think I just don’t consider my life to be very exciting or story-worthy, like some of the other people I know. I've never been burgled, arrested, assaulted... I've never had a drug addiction or alcohol problem... I'm not gay, I'm not an extremist and I'm not treated differently because of the color of my skin...I've never been homeless or abused. I don't have any huge stories, any special things to write about. I'm an upper-middle class, white, liberal Christian who grew up in Suburbia. It's hard to find the magic in that.

I realize that I am a perfectionist, so perhaps I have been too hard on myself with the little blurbs I start out with. Instead of deleting the first few sentences because I see no promise, maybe I will just keep going, trying to fill just one whole page. After a few days, maybe an idea will come to me.

Hopefully, it will be something meaningful. J

Accepted!!!!!!!

I received an email from George Mason University mid-week last week. The overall gist is... I'M IN!!!!! I was accepted at GMU!

I was so giddy and couldn't help but cheese-face all day. Somehow, by the grace of God no doubt, I was accepted at my number 2 program. Granted, it is an unfunded position without any teaching experience directly offered to me, but there are so many new and exciting adventures in front of me! Since I can't seem to form a sentence right now, I have instead compiled a list of things going on in my head: Enjoy!

1. There are pedagogy courses available to students even if they are not Teaching Assistants... pro seminars on composition and instruction that would be invaluable to me.
2. Northern Virginia Community College has a great rapport with GMU, and they often hire graduate students to teach intro courses as long as the graduate student has taken 18 or more graduate hours.
3. Several positions become available for students to become Teaching Assistants in their second year, and while they are competitive, they are still available.
4. There are a number fellowships and grants given to students that cover tuition during the second year.
5. A number of grad students obtain substitute teaching positions in local high schools, teaching English, journalism and even creative writing!
6. Many students obtain unpaid positions working as Instructors of Composition for professors in other undergraduate departments at GMU, teaching seminars on structure and tutoring students on source citations, etc.
7. There is a deferral option, which I will most likely take advantage of. If I defer, I can be guaranteed admission next fall (2011) but still submit new writing material and be re-considered for a TA position.

I am still pretty giddy... Danny has been so incredibly supportive of me and my decision making process. He even started looking at jobs in the D.C. area to see what the job hunt situation looks like. He is such an incredible encourager to me and my goals.

Ahhhhhh, that's it for now! I will have more "official" news soon!

Rejection #7

I received a nicely worded rejection from Hollins University this morning. I'm bummed, but I figured it was coming. And as I have decided to reject my admission from Baltimore, my last remaining hope is my wait-list position at George Mason. And I think... I *think*... it just might turn out okay :) Patience.

MFA Catch Up

In NON-MFA news, Anne Lamott is doing a reading in Pasadena from her new book on Wednesday April 14!! I see Anne Lamott as a huge influence on my writing, and I cannot wait to finally get a chance to meet her! J Also, at this very time in 30 days, Danny and I will be on a plane traveling to visit our friends Tucker and Amanda in South Carolina!

In MFA news, I have heard from 8 of the 9 schools I applied to. One school, Hollins University in Roanoke, VA, has still not sent a rejection to me, however I am assuming a rejection as many other people have been accepted to the program already.

I received my official rejection from the University of Arkansas last week. Even after all of the rejections I have received, it still burns. This one was fully expected, but it hurt a little more just because UA is my dad’s alma-mater and I was hoping to be a Razorback like he was, along with the added bonus of living within a few hours of my dad’s family, who I do not know extremely well but who I love more than anything. I would love to experience life with them for once. And my opportunity to do so has been taken away.

In more MFA news, I have officially decided to turn down my offer of admission to the University of Baltimore for several reasons. One being that the communication I have had with the school has been very unpleasant, with little return contact and obvious interdepartmental miscommunications. I have seen how these errors can really damage a student’s experience while obtaining their education, and it is something I am absolutely unwilling to put myself through. The second reason I have decided to turn it down is the lack of teaching opportunities. The career I am pursuing is teaching in the university setting. If I do not obtain the valuable teaching experience that many institutions offer, I am wasting precious opportunities to practice. This would be foolish on my part. The third reason I am turning down my offer at UB is the lack of funding. I am very aware that there are programs out there that offer no funding at all, and that is completely fine. But if I am going to go to a school without any funding, I WANT an excellent departmental communication structure and teaching experience. There is no way I will pay for an education I am not fully behind.

I have decided to reapply next year with what I hope will be stronger writing samples. In the time between now and next January, I am planning on doing the following things to strengthen my applications:

1. Take an English class or two at the local community college to boost my English background, which will hopefully make me more competitive for a teaching assistantship.
2. Study for the GRE and take a GRE prep course to boost my verbal scores.
3. Submit finished works for publication to enhance my résumé.
4. Workshop a brand new piece of writing to submit, that will hopefully be stronger.

I am also planning on doing more research on the schools I will be applying to, going so far as to reading student publications. I have found that many people get rejected from schools simply because they are not a “good fit”… meaning that there isn’t anyone on staff who has the capability to mentor them. So I am going to find writing similar to mine and apply at those programs. I figure, if I get excited about programs that are meant for me, how can I lose? J

The Most Bittersweet Day

I finally received my first honest-to-goodness piece of great news. I was accepted into the MFA in Creative Writing & Publishing Arts program at the University of Baltimore! I was so thrilled to receive an email that contained a sentence other than "We are sorry to inform you..." or "We had a number of qualified applicants we had to disappoint this year..." It was nice to think, "Wow, they liked me best!"

Unfortunately, within 24 hours of learning of my acceptance at Baltimore, I was also informed of my rejection from Notre Dame. The stupid thing is, I knew it was coming. I saw people posting on the blogs that they had been accepted, or wait-listed. But I kept thinking maybe, just maybe. But I was wrong. I was so foolish to go into this year believing I could have gotten in at ND when only 6 students are accepted for prose out of several hundred that apply.

My acceptance at Baltimore doesn't mean I will be heading off to the east coast any time soon. I am debating whether or not I am willing to go into around $50K in debt for a program I am not necessarily hell-bent on going to. Don't get me wrong, I would love to go to Baltimore and participate in a program that is ranked in the top 100 MFA programs, and the top 10 distinctive MFA programs in the US. But there are no teaching assistantships or opportunities provided by the school and little to no funding in an expensive urban area.

So here is the new update:

Baltimore-Accepted
George Mason-Waitlisted
UNCW-Waitlisted
Arizona-Rejected
Columbia College-Rejected
Hunter College-Rejected
Notre Dame-Rejected
Hollins-??
Arkansas-??

I guess for now I can at least rejoice in my acceptance, even if it was a little bitter-sweet. Good bye Notre Dame... maybe next year...

Semi-rejection and God Things

Having not heard back from Arkansas, Baltimore, Hollins and Notre Dame, I figured it must be time to get into contact with the 2 schools who have wait-listed me to see how things are moving.

First, George Mason University - The woman I spoke with was very kind, but had no new information and asked that I call back at the end of the week, as there should be more news.

Second, University of North Carolina at Wilmington - I have been in email contact with a woman named Lavonne and she informed me about two weeks ago that she would notify me if there were any changes. I got fidgety, so I emailed her to see if there was any movement on the wait-list, and she promptly emailed me back to let me know it is highly unlikely that an offer of admission will be extended to me, as the group of students who have been admitted seem happy to accept, and I am nowhere near the front of the wait-list. 

I hate rejection. I realize that everyone hates that feeling, so saying "I hate rejection" is like saying "I hate getting punched in the face" - it's pretty much just a given. But the amount of rejection I am getting is overwhelming. And it doesn't help that my boyfriend tells me "I know how you feel" because he has been rejected by girls before. I'm sorry, but this is not the same thing, and he does NOT know how I feel. With relationships, it's a quick pain (or maybe a long one) but it's one time. These girls weren't then showing up at his door saying they weren't interested a few days later, only to remind him of the hurt.

I am getting rejection letters and "we think you have promise, but not as much as all these other people" letters. I have received 3 rejections (now 4, practically) and 1 wait-list.

I WANT GOOD NEWS! I NEED GOOD NEWS! I don't want to sit in this funk anymore... this dreadful grey area... like I have an inability to see the good in anything good. I try to be positive and believe that everything will work out, but it's so hard. And I hate when people say, "If you trust in the Lord there is nothing to worry about." That's bullshit. Of course I trust God for my future. Of course I have faith. But that doesn't mean I can't be pissed off or upset or depressed or feel rejected or worried because I don't know what to do next. I'm not just going to pretend to be happy and "joyful in the Lord" to make all my Christian friends happy. And I'm not going to sit on my ass and not make any decisions because "God is in control." 

Like I said, I don't want to sit in this funk anymore.

Distractions and Such

I am taking a note from another MFA Blog / Driftless House lurker and creating a Top Ten Ways to Distract Myself from Obsessing Ridiculously, and Almost Sickeningly, Too Much About Graduate School Admissions list. Or to put it shortly, my TTWtDMfORaASTMAGSA list. :)

10. Watch One Tree Hill from beginning to end (yes, all 6 seasons)

9. Scour the internet for low residency programs I can apply to if I move quickly, or full residency programs that have spring admittance dates (ok, so this one is kind of cheating - but at least I'm not wallowing in my own rejection depression, right?)

8. Write blog posts about ways to distract myself from obsessing ridiculously about graduate school admissions, and be way to disclosing about personal issues.

7. Decorate the guest room in my apartment.

6. Go through the iTunes Top Singles list and pick at least 20 new songs to download... then downloading them illegally from LimeWire.

5. Drink an unhealthy amount of Coors Lights and expensive red wine.

4b. Play Tetris on my cell phone or computer until it is hard to fall asleep at night without picturing a Tetris screen and having dreams about pushing blocks into the right spot.

4a. Playing Winterbells (http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/bells.htm)

3. Work on my writing for my writing workshop (which is due on Saturday... yikes!)

2. Eat pasta even though I'm on a diet.

1.  Smoke a ridiculous amount of cigarettes.

Vegas Baby!

Danny took me to Vegas for my 23rd birthday at the end of February... (YES I'M 23 NOW!!!) We ate the Bellagio buffet, gambled at the MGM and Planet Hollywood, drank too many Gin & Tonics at the Aria, had delicious Italian food at the Venetian, walked so much our feet hurt, placed bets and hung out with some friends from home in a sports bar, walked out of 'O' with an inner tube and roll of toilet paper, and had someone walk in on us in our hotel room at 1:30am.

Needless to say, it was eventful. Here are some pics :)

Conceal

Source: My First Dictionary

Alternate Source: Steve Collett's House

Rejection #3

University of Arizona rejection came in the mail today. Still stings. Bleh. 3 rejections, 2 wait-lists, and still no word from Notre Dame. Patience is a virtue I guess...

Hope, hope, hope, hope, hope

MFA Blogs, Speakeasy Forums and Driftless House, OH MY!

As an MFA applicant, I have been wrapped up in checking several online locations to see who has been admitted/wait-listed/rejected from where and when they received the info --- sometimes several times each hour. I mean, I am seriously crazy right now. I've been stressing myself out so badly that I couldn't come to work on Monday because I had a kink in my neck. I could barely get out of bed.

The MFA Blog has a mailbag, where people post their thoughts and news on a blog.
The Speakeasy Forum on P&W has different threads to write in, ala "Damn... I didn't get in!" or "I'M IN!!!" or even "The Waiting Game... Have You Heard Yet?"
Driftless House has become my favorite, though, as it posts a list of every MFA program and when the first acceptance was.

And now I see another crop of people writing about receiving acceptance phone calls and email wait-list notifications from the University of Arizona. My rejection will probably come in the mail tomorrow or Monday, putting me at 3 rejections, 2 wait-lists, 0 acceptances, and only 1 sliver of hope that I will get in somewhere with funding, which just so happens to be a school that only accepts 6 people per genre and is in the top 25 in the country----- Notre Dame.

God Help Me

Columbia and the Smoking Hiatus

I received yet another rejection last night. Columbia College Chicago has officially declared my writing less than worthy of their MFA in Fiction Writing program. I realize that my ultimate goal revolves around teaching Memoir, Non-Fiction, Autobiography, etc, but the MFA at Columbia has a dual degree option, combining an MFA in Fiction Writing with an MA in Teaching Writing. It was such a beautiful idea. And now it is gone. I thought the rejections would get easier as they came, but of course that was a lofty ideal. The sting is just as sharp.

This news brings my current status to Rejections-2, Wait-Lists-2, No Word-5. Bleh. And still no word from Notre Dame. Patience.

The sadness I felt from hearing the rejection letter as Danny read it to me over the phone could only be cured by experiencing true joy, in it's purest of forms. By this I mean (drum roll) a trip to In-N-Out. Yes, I know... what about the diet? Er, excuse me... life-style change? I figured I deserved a break from all of the rejection, and In-N-Out is the best place to take a break. Of course, Danny and I agreed to roll our fat asses out of bed this morning and hit the gym to ease the damage. After 1 hour of cardio and ab workouts, I felt like I was going to hack my brains out from all the coughing.

Hence, the reference to smoking in the title. Yes, my dear friends and creepy stalker readers, it is that time. As much as I enjoy sucking in the warm taste of tobacco and feeling the rush of nicotine-ey goodness, I have decided to take a smoking hiatus. If I really want to lose weight... If I want to be able to get out of bed in the morning and not feel like the King of Nasal Problems is wrapping himself around my face... I need to call it quits. I am not promising forever - just 30 days. I figure if I allow myself the idea that I can smoke again one day, it might be a little easier than the word FOREVER, which drives me insane. But the true hope is that when I wake up on April 11th I will think to myself, "maybe just one more day."

Wait-List #2 + Fun Trip Things!!!

I broke down yesterday and called all of the schools I have yet to hear from. I felt it was my right as an applicant not to have a hernia over waiting. Here is what I was told:

Arizona: no admissions decisions for creative non-fiction have been sent out (yay!)

Baltimore: no admissions decisions have been made (double yay!)

Columbia: some admissions decisions have been sent out, but not all (not as big of a yay, but still good)

George Mason: wait-listed and midway on the list, meaning i have a 25-30% chance of getting in... the email was sent to the wrong address (awesome!)

Hollins: no admissions decisions have been made (cool!)

Notre Dame: no admissions decisions for prose have been made (BEST NEWS EVER!!!)

So I can breathe now, knowing I haven't been completely rejected. And now I still have hope for Notre Dame!! FINGERS CROSSED!!!

Also on the "news" front - Danny and I have purchased tickets to visit our friends Tucker and Amanda in South Carolina during the first week of May! We are so excited. Tucker and Amanda are two really great people. We can't wait to see them and experience Charleston and Myrtle Beach. And what is also pretty great is that if I end up getting admitted to any of the above schools, we are taking a long enough trip that I could fly to visit one of them one day while we are out there! So much fun!

New News

So I may have spoken too quickly the other day. It looks like the University of Arizona has not yet notified any fiction/non fiction applications of acceptances as of yet. Sad new though: Notre Dame notified their acceptances yesterday. So here are the stats as of now:

University of North Carolina-Wilmington (waitlisted)

Hunter College (rejected)

Columbia College Chicago (assumed rejection)

George Mason University (assumed rejection)

University of Arkansas (assumed rejection)

University of Notre Dame (assumed rejection)

Hollins University

University of Arizona

University of Baltimore

I have officially decided that if I do not get in anywhere, I will take a deep breath, keep writing and apply again next year.

Application Status

As someone who has been obsessing over Driftless House and Poets and Writers Speakeasy forums, I have gotten a brutal dose of reality. My top choice schools have already dished out what I can assume is most of their acceptances. Here is where I currently stand:

University of North Carolina-Wilmington (waitlisted)

Hunter College (rejected)

Columbia College Chicago (assumed rejection)

George Mason University (assumed rejection)

University of Arizona (assumed rejection)

University of Arkansas (assumed rejection)

Hollins University

University of Baltimore

University of Notre Dame

The final 3 on the list are the only schools who have yet to send out any acceptances. Thank God one of them is my top choice. I really hope I end up lucky on this one....

Discouraged, Yet Hopeful

I have felt incredibly discouraged about not hearing anything from the other 7 graduate schools I have applied to, especially since I have seen on Poets and Writers that several people have been accepted to the schools and programs I applied to. Part of me thinks I should throw in the towel and resign my hopes of getting in anywhere. It would help make it a lot less painful when I get 7 rejection letters, or notices of being placed on a wait-list, which isn't any more fulfilling than not getting in.

But another part of me truly believes I am a gifted and talented writer. Another part of me knows I have what it takes to make it in an MFA program and get out of it exactly what I am looking for. I need to believe in myself more - in my talent and my desire. Maybe that will help me along a little bit.

The Waiting Game

The University of North Carolina-Wilmington sent me a pleasant email letting me know I am on the wait-list. It is better than the rejection I received from Hunter College, of course, but it still doesn't provide me with any answers.

This in-between feeling I am experiencing right now is so frustrating. I don't know where my life is headed, if it's headed anywhere at all. Even the school who has provided me with something other than a rejection has not given me any insight as to what my future may hold.

Looks like the waiting game is all that's out there for me right now.

Rejection #1

The first rejection came today from Hunter College in New York City. It stung a lot more than I thought it would. I opened up my email and there it was… 

From: Hunter College Graduate School 

Subject: Your Decision Is Available Online Now

I was terrified, but at the same time, ecstatic. It’s only March 2nd. It MUST be an acceptance, right? Of course I was wrong and after just a few seconds my dream of living and writing in New York City, which I have ached for over the past 3 years, was quickly and suddenly shattered.

It gave me a bit of a shake down. My confidence in my application materials has plummeted. My GRE scores weren’t high enough… my personal statement lacked any kind of personality… my writing samples were interesting but immature… the list keeps going.

I wonder how much longer I will feel this way. Hopefully the next bit of news I receive is positive so I don’t keep spiraling downwards.

School List

It occurred to me recently that I have never posted a list of schools I am applying to...

Columbia College Chicago

(Dual Program: MFA in Creative Writing/MA in Teaching)

George Mason University

(MFA in Creative Writing)

Hollins University

(MFA in Creative Writing)

Hunter College

(MFA in Creative Writing)

University of Arizona

(MFA in Creative Writing)

University of Arkansas

(MFA in Creative Writing)

University of Baltimore

(MFA in Creative Writing & Publishing Arts)

University of North Carolina-Wilmington

(MFA in Creative Writing)

University of Notre Dame

(MFA in Creative Writing)