Disappointment

I can’t disappoint people.

I dont mean that in an “I am beyond imperfection” kind of way. I mean it in a “I cannot handle disappointing others” kind of way. It eats away at me, even when I know it shouldn’t.

I had a talk with my advisor today, and she dealt me some tough news. She doesn’t want me to be a writing coach for the Clause. I realize that she is trying to cover her ass and make sure that the paper has the best people coaching. But most of her reasoning was ridiculous.

She made cuts at my character, my integrity – she talked to me as if I was someone she hadn’t come to know on a personal level over the course of a year and a half. She made reference to my mistakes, which I realize are valid, but at the same time she basically contradicted herself. She backed me on the mistakes I made with the reference that it is a growing experience, and that writing for the paper is part of a learning environment. How is (and I directly quote) not being comfortable with placing me in an official position with the paper providing me with the learning experience?

I recognize the fact that I have made mistakes this semester. But I was truly proud of the job I did with the writers. And, for some reason, I can’t seem to find any solace in that. I cannot for the life of me look back on anything I have done this semester with pride, something I really thought I would be able to do.

I feel like I am walking away from this semester with a heavy heart. Full of “should haves.” And it physically makes me sick. I seriously feel like no matter what I do, I just let people down.

It is hard to realize that people you don’t particularly care for have a stronger affect on your emotions and feelings of self worth than you have on yourself.

quitting, complaining and wishing

Right now, I feel very irritated and very alone.

I decided to quit smoking. It has only been 2 ½ days, but I can already feel my emotions beginning to stir up and get cranky. And it makes me even more frustrated. I HATE being mad. I hate being irritated. And that just completes the cycle.

I feel like I complain a lot, but at the same time, I feel like I have a lot to complain about… problems that are out of my control or that are unfixable. And I know complaining doesn’t make anything better, and I know it just makes me sit in my frustrations, but I can’t help it! I have a lot to complain about… that I deserve to complain about.

UGH!

Sometimes I just wish I wasn’t me, you know? Have you ever felt that way? It isn’t like I want to be a celebrity, or an athlete or anything like that. I just want to be someone whose life is easier. I mean, there has to be someone out there who is wondering why everyone else is so messed up, because they have it totally together. I want to be that person.

Ok, so maybe that is a lie. Maybe I don’t want to be someone else. But sometimes, it would be nice to experience life free of complications. It would be nice to know what it is like to have it easy, to be beautiful, to be really smart, to have a great dad, to be amazing at something, to be popular, to be interesting.

To be worth something to someone other than God and my family.

Have a Little Faith

I have been so lacking in the faith department recently. I get all emotional and upset and worked up over things that are out of my control because… well,… because those things are out of MY control.

One thing I always seem to forget is that God does not ignore me. When I pray and ask for something to happen in my life, for something to work out, sometimes he says yes. And ya, sometimes he says no. But other times, he is just saying, “Wait. Have patience.”

I have been anxious, lately. Am I going to graduate on time? Oh crap, I forgot to take the GRE! Will I have a job when I graduate? Will I ever date again? Will my classes count for my major? This isn’t how things are supposed to be working!

Last week, after stressing big time about whether or not a class would count towards graduation for over a month, I reminded myself that, even if I am not in control, God is. He always is. Today, I checked my DegreeWorks and saw that the school had approved my class, and I am going to graduate.

I decided recently that I want to get my masters in Student Affairs and work at a university. But I didn’t realize grad school applications are usually due in January, therefore, I didn’t take the GRE soon enough to get the scores in. Yesterday, I found several universities that don’t require the GRE that still have programs that sound amazing, AND I found out that if I work at the High Sierra program during the year, something that sounds like a perfect fit for me, APU will pay for my degree!

The dating thing…. haven’t had any miracle stories there. The guy I could seriously spend the rest of my life with, the guy who has told me he is attracted to me, is still choosing to be my best friend/big brother instead of recognizing the fact that it is time he grew up and asked me on a date. And, let’s be honest, guys have never really been knocking down my door.

So maybe this is a waiting period. Maybe there are things I need to experience, or grow in, or become, before the dating time of my life can really begin. And I know God knows what is going to happen. He can see how it will all fall into place. But even though I know that, it is hard to trust Him with my future, regardless of the fact that He has been so faithful to me for my entire life.

I guess I just need to have a little patience, and have a little faith.

‘Tis the Season

I think holidays are pointless. There. I said it. I have been constantly rebuked by friends and family for the way I feel, but I can’t help it.

I haven’t ever had a horrible Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or Easter. I don’t have any bad memories, or drunk, unruly, embarrassing family members that make holidays unbearable.

I have always loved my holiday experiences. I enjoy spending every moment that I can with my family. I enjoy giving thanks, celebrating Christ’s birth, and remembering the day he sacrificed his life for the world while surrounded by the people I love most.

What I don’t enjoy is the emphasis that is placed on food. What I don’t enjoy is the fact that I asked my family to work at a soup kitchen on Christmas day and my sister replied, “No. I don’t want to do that. I want my presents.” What I don’t enjoy is the amount of money we spend on crap like iPods, clothes, movies and jewelry, when there are people in other countries, and even in our own country, who will be spending their holidays wondering if they will be able to even eat.

I realize that I am idealistic. I recognize the fact that people will always want more and will never be satisfied. And I understand that we live in a world that is filled with broken families and latchkey kids.

But the emphasis on what the holidays are about needs to change.

It is important for us to remember that our family, Christ’s birth and sacrifice, and being thankful, are always important… not just on holidays.

Critiques and Grace

I wonder when it was that people at this school became so critical of each other. I mean, is it really that important to bluntly and rudely critique someone for being imperfect?

I have been going through some really hard stuff in my personal life recently, and I have found that my tolerance level for being told on a regular basis all the ways in which I am living my life incorrectly, and all of the ways I am screwing up, is at a record low. I just can’t handle it right now.

Recently, I decided to go to counseling. I have been kind of depressed and my self-confidence level has just been plummeting. I walk around with my smiley face plastered on sometimes, but most of the time I have just been down, something that is really beginning to hinder my friendships.

And the hard part is that I know all of the reasons why I am acting this way. I am a “people pleaser,” and I can’t be happy unless other people are happy with me, and this all comes back to my “dad issues.”

It is all a bunch of stuff I have always known, but nothing I have tried to work through. I have just tried to work around it, which was really unhealthy.
I am telling you this because I think it is important for us to take a step back and really see a person before we say something that does anything less than build them up.

I can’t tell you how many times over the past month I have had people say some of the meanest, underhanded, snide, rude and unnecessary comments to me. Obviously, some of that stuff comes with my job to a certain extent, but there is a difference between constructive criticism (aka, words that allow someone a chance to grow) and destructive criticism (aka, words that serve no purpose but to make someone feel horrible).

How many times have I made a joke-y, sarcastic remark to a friend when they were having a hard time and I never realized that it really affected them? How often do we kick people when they are already down?

I was smoking on the curb with my friend Jeff and some people we know, and I asked, “Does anyone else realize how critical people are of each other?” And one of the girls sitting with us said something that made me stop and think. She said, “Yea, but I never really saw it until I came to APU.”

Wow.

We need to be more careful. And please notice, I said ‘we,’ not ‘you.’ I am just as guilty of this as every person on this campus, or in the country, or anywhere else.
Just the other night I sat with my friend Jax at Midnight Madness and made fun of the girls that show up at basketball events in short skirts and high heels, wondering if they are showing up to enjoy the best game on the planet (yes, basketball is my favorite) or if they are showing up to get some attention.

We need to pause for a second and think, is this short, snippy email really going to make a difference? Or is it just going to make someone feel like crap? Is saying this little comment to my friend funny? Or is it an underhanded way of demeaning who they are?

As a school, we need to be a better representation of Christ. I need to be a better representation of Christ.

And we all need to start exercising a little bit more grace.