I Don't Want To

I hate my body.

I ate like a fatty yesterday, and the worst part wasn’t even that I ate so much food I felt sick. The worst part was that I felt sick the entire time I was eating.

Normally, when I’m going to eat a lot of Italian food or burgers or anything else that is bad for me, I’m hungry when I start and by the end of the meal I feel stuffed, but I don’t feel sick until 30-60 minutes later. I have always attributed my inability to recognize when I have eaten too much to the fact I am overweight (along with my predilection for carbs). But I came to a literally sickening realization last night as I kept eating after I could feel myself getting so full I was miserable.

I hate my body.

My compulsive overeating is affecting almost every aspect of my life. When I eat too much and too unhealthily to take care of myself, I don’t work as hard at my job, I want to spend all of my time in my apartment away from everyone who might think something about my weight, and my body doesn’t feel up to going to the gym.

And what else happens when I’m eating so much that I feel sick and depressed and ugly? I have a hard time letting my boyfriend love me. I tell him how I feel every so often, but I don’t think he really understands how torn up I am inside.

Every time I go on a diet, it lasts 3-4 weeks, and I’m right back to stuffing my face again.

I am at the very end of my rope… and I don’t know where to go from here. The only thing I know is…

I hate my body…

But I don’t want to anymore.