Disappointment

I can’t disappoint people.

I dont mean that in an “I am beyond imperfection” kind of way. I mean it in a “I cannot handle disappointing others” kind of way. It eats away at me, even when I know it shouldn’t.

I had a talk with my advisor today, and she dealt me some tough news. She doesn’t want me to be a writing coach for the Clause. I realize that she is trying to cover her ass and make sure that the paper has the best people coaching. But most of her reasoning was ridiculous.

She made cuts at my character, my integrity – she talked to me as if I was someone she hadn’t come to know on a personal level over the course of a year and a half. She made reference to my mistakes, which I realize are valid, but at the same time she basically contradicted herself. She backed me on the mistakes I made with the reference that it is a growing experience, and that writing for the paper is part of a learning environment. How is (and I directly quote) not being comfortable with placing me in an official position with the paper providing me with the learning experience?

I recognize the fact that I have made mistakes this semester. But I was truly proud of the job I did with the writers. And, for some reason, I can’t seem to find any solace in that. I cannot for the life of me look back on anything I have done this semester with pride, something I really thought I would be able to do.

I feel like I am walking away from this semester with a heavy heart. Full of “should haves.” And it physically makes me sick. I seriously feel like no matter what I do, I just let people down.

It is hard to realize that people you don’t particularly care for have a stronger affect on your emotions and feelings of self worth than you have on yourself.