Forgiving the Past

“Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a different past.” ~ Anne Lamott

We can’t change our pasts. We don’t have the capability of hopping into our Deloreans and heading backwards to re-do some event in our life. And we most definitely cannot change the past actions of anyone else.

If someone said that to you, you would roll your eyes and wonder what they were smoking, and maybe where you could get some. But you probably wouldn’t find those thoughts to be bits of wisdom, and wouldn’t mark them as a part your favorite quotes on your Facebook wall.

But I have been thinking a lot about my past, the events and people that influenced me and who I am as a person today, and I’ve realized that I dwell too much on what could have been. I let the “if-onlys” and the “what ifs” permeate my mind to a point where I have lost track of what the reality is.

Let me explain:

My father, the eternal bachelor – a man who’s life revolved around his career, the new woman he took home the night before, and the bottle of Patron waiting for him in his cabinet – was not mature enough to handle the prospect of a child, even at 35. He knew he wanted nothing to do with me before I was born and my mother had to take him to court to get him involved in my life, both financially and physically.

Once I was born, however, he became more accepting of the situation, especially since he was being forced into it and really didn’t have a choice, and acted in a way he thought was befitting of a father figure in his situation. But in truth, my father’s presence in my life was out of requirement by law and consisted of little more than visitations every other weekend, and sometimes on holidays.

Now, I am in no way saying that my father does not love me. I am not implying that I was the collateral damage that came from his relationship with my mom. But I am attempting to convey what our relationship is. It is something that was formed out of obligation. And, looking back, I am seeing that it hasn’t changed much in about 21 years.

We talk on the phone only when I call several times a day for two weeks straight and finally get a hold of him. We see each other only if I drive out to his house. He does not see the need to pursue a relationship with me because he knows that, out of duty, he will end up seeing me and catching up with me eventually, once I track him down, as if he owes it to me because I worked so hard to find him.

So, how does this tie into our inability to change the past? I think I have never truly been able to forgive my father for not being the dad I wanted and needed, because I have never been able to accept the fact that I cannot change him.

I used to think that if I conceded to the idea that my dad and I will never have a perfect relationship, it is because I have given up... because I wasn't willing to work hard enough at being the daughter he wanted to spend time with, a daughter he thought was worth something. But in reality, it is simply allowing myself to accept my father for who he is, who he has always been, and know that the things that have transpired in my past are unchangeable.

And through that knowledge, I just might be able to forgive my dad for my past, but still hold on hope for a better future.

The art of forgiveness

“Forgiveness is an action. It is something you do. May you do it today, because you might not have the chance tomorrow.”

I sat in my youth ministry class last week, watching a video of Rob Bell. I have heard several people in my life mention Bell, but had never heard him speak before.

After watching this particular message, I felt convicted, and began to google forgiveness and what it really means. Sometimes, it seems too easy to simply read what the Bible has to say on the subject matter, but of course, it was the reference that popped up at the top of the page.

We all know we are called to forgive others. We have all heard the story from Matthew 18 where Jesus reminds Peter that he has to forgive his brother “seventy times seven” times. And I am sure that, as Christians, we usually do forgive.

But how much of our forgiveness is for show?

One of the things I have felt blessed with in my life is the ability God has given me to love others unconditionally. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you do or how you treat me. It doesn’t matter if you are seemingly perfect or if you wear your flaws on your body like an outfit. I love you.

But one thing I struggle with is my tendency to hold onto little bits of resentment. It might be something as small as the kid who sat behind me on my five hour flight to New York and kept kicking the back of my chair, or it might be as normal as a friend who flaked out on me at the last minute, or it might be as big as a father who doesn’t call and shows up late, if he shows up at all.

How can I really love people if I am so busy holding onto the ways in which they have wronged me? How can I show someone the love of Christ if His eyes can’t look out through mine?

I used to think I was quick to forgive, but in reality, I am simply quick to show forgiveness. I am not quick to act on it. And there are people in my life that I love very much who don’t deserve to have stuff hanging over their heads anymore.

Recently, I have felt what it is like to be on the other side. I know what it is like to be the person asking for forgiveness and who receives a smile and an “I forgive you,” but who doesn’t really feel that anything has actually been washed away.

It is hard. And it eats away at me because I am harder on myself than any other person could ever be.

So let’s learn to be better at forgiveness. Lets take this opportunity to really take the time to show Christ’s love. Let’s take this opportunity to look at everyone through eyes that show nothing but grace.