quitting, complaining and wishing

Right now, I feel very irritated and very alone.

I decided to quit smoking. It has only been 2 ½ days, but I can already feel my emotions beginning to stir up and get cranky. And it makes me even more frustrated. I HATE being mad. I hate being irritated. And that just completes the cycle.

I feel like I complain a lot, but at the same time, I feel like I have a lot to complain about… problems that are out of my control or that are unfixable. And I know complaining doesn’t make anything better, and I know it just makes me sit in my frustrations, but I can’t help it! I have a lot to complain about… that I deserve to complain about.

UGH!

Sometimes I just wish I wasn’t me, you know? Have you ever felt that way? It isn’t like I want to be a celebrity, or an athlete or anything like that. I just want to be someone whose life is easier. I mean, there has to be someone out there who is wondering why everyone else is so messed up, because they have it totally together. I want to be that person.

Ok, so maybe that is a lie. Maybe I don’t want to be someone else. But sometimes, it would be nice to experience life free of complications. It would be nice to know what it is like to have it easy, to be beautiful, to be really smart, to have a great dad, to be amazing at something, to be popular, to be interesting.

To be worth something to someone other than God and my family.

Have a Little Faith

I have been so lacking in the faith department recently. I get all emotional and upset and worked up over things that are out of my control because… well,… because those things are out of MY control.

One thing I always seem to forget is that God does not ignore me. When I pray and ask for something to happen in my life, for something to work out, sometimes he says yes. And ya, sometimes he says no. But other times, he is just saying, “Wait. Have patience.”

I have been anxious, lately. Am I going to graduate on time? Oh crap, I forgot to take the GRE! Will I have a job when I graduate? Will I ever date again? Will my classes count for my major? This isn’t how things are supposed to be working!

Last week, after stressing big time about whether or not a class would count towards graduation for over a month, I reminded myself that, even if I am not in control, God is. He always is. Today, I checked my DegreeWorks and saw that the school had approved my class, and I am going to graduate.

I decided recently that I want to get my masters in Student Affairs and work at a university. But I didn’t realize grad school applications are usually due in January, therefore, I didn’t take the GRE soon enough to get the scores in. Yesterday, I found several universities that don’t require the GRE that still have programs that sound amazing, AND I found out that if I work at the High Sierra program during the year, something that sounds like a perfect fit for me, APU will pay for my degree!

The dating thing…. haven’t had any miracle stories there. The guy I could seriously spend the rest of my life with, the guy who has told me he is attracted to me, is still choosing to be my best friend/big brother instead of recognizing the fact that it is time he grew up and asked me on a date. And, let’s be honest, guys have never really been knocking down my door.

So maybe this is a waiting period. Maybe there are things I need to experience, or grow in, or become, before the dating time of my life can really begin. And I know God knows what is going to happen. He can see how it will all fall into place. But even though I know that, it is hard to trust Him with my future, regardless of the fact that He has been so faithful to me for my entire life.

I guess I just need to have a little patience, and have a little faith.

‘Tis the Season

I think holidays are pointless. There. I said it. I have been constantly rebuked by friends and family for the way I feel, but I can’t help it.

I haven’t ever had a horrible Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or Easter. I don’t have any bad memories, or drunk, unruly, embarrassing family members that make holidays unbearable.

I have always loved my holiday experiences. I enjoy spending every moment that I can with my family. I enjoy giving thanks, celebrating Christ’s birth, and remembering the day he sacrificed his life for the world while surrounded by the people I love most.

What I don’t enjoy is the emphasis that is placed on food. What I don’t enjoy is the fact that I asked my family to work at a soup kitchen on Christmas day and my sister replied, “No. I don’t want to do that. I want my presents.” What I don’t enjoy is the amount of money we spend on crap like iPods, clothes, movies and jewelry, when there are people in other countries, and even in our own country, who will be spending their holidays wondering if they will be able to even eat.

I realize that I am idealistic. I recognize the fact that people will always want more and will never be satisfied. And I understand that we live in a world that is filled with broken families and latchkey kids.

But the emphasis on what the holidays are about needs to change.

It is important for us to remember that our family, Christ’s birth and sacrifice, and being thankful, are always important… not just on holidays.

Critiques and Grace

I wonder when it was that people at this school became so critical of each other. I mean, is it really that important to bluntly and rudely critique someone for being imperfect?

I have been going through some really hard stuff in my personal life recently, and I have found that my tolerance level for being told on a regular basis all the ways in which I am living my life incorrectly, and all of the ways I am screwing up, is at a record low. I just can’t handle it right now.

Recently, I decided to go to counseling. I have been kind of depressed and my self-confidence level has just been plummeting. I walk around with my smiley face plastered on sometimes, but most of the time I have just been down, something that is really beginning to hinder my friendships.

And the hard part is that I know all of the reasons why I am acting this way. I am a “people pleaser,” and I can’t be happy unless other people are happy with me, and this all comes back to my “dad issues.”

It is all a bunch of stuff I have always known, but nothing I have tried to work through. I have just tried to work around it, which was really unhealthy.
I am telling you this because I think it is important for us to take a step back and really see a person before we say something that does anything less than build them up.

I can’t tell you how many times over the past month I have had people say some of the meanest, underhanded, snide, rude and unnecessary comments to me. Obviously, some of that stuff comes with my job to a certain extent, but there is a difference between constructive criticism (aka, words that allow someone a chance to grow) and destructive criticism (aka, words that serve no purpose but to make someone feel horrible).

How many times have I made a joke-y, sarcastic remark to a friend when they were having a hard time and I never realized that it really affected them? How often do we kick people when they are already down?

I was smoking on the curb with my friend Jeff and some people we know, and I asked, “Does anyone else realize how critical people are of each other?” And one of the girls sitting with us said something that made me stop and think. She said, “Yea, but I never really saw it until I came to APU.”

Wow.

We need to be more careful. And please notice, I said ‘we,’ not ‘you.’ I am just as guilty of this as every person on this campus, or in the country, or anywhere else.
Just the other night I sat with my friend Jax at Midnight Madness and made fun of the girls that show up at basketball events in short skirts and high heels, wondering if they are showing up to enjoy the best game on the planet (yes, basketball is my favorite) or if they are showing up to get some attention.

We need to pause for a second and think, is this short, snippy email really going to make a difference? Or is it just going to make someone feel like crap? Is saying this little comment to my friend funny? Or is it an underhanded way of demeaning who they are?

As a school, we need to be a better representation of Christ. I need to be a better representation of Christ.

And we all need to start exercising a little bit more grace.

My Super Lame-o Vide-o

Call Back

The person it is most difficult to get a hold of in my life is my dad. It doesn’t matter why I am calling him, he usually won’t answer. I have never really understood why. My only guess is that he doesn’t answer the phone for anyone. But that has not ever really made me feel any better.

I guess the reason it is hard is because of the way I feel when he doesn’t call me back. It is like I am not important enough. It is like somehow, calling me back makes me an inconvenience on him, like he is too busy to remember, like I am not worth taking five minutes just to see if there is something I need to talk with him about.

I hate that this has spilled into the rest of my life. Somehow, I have taught myself that if someone doesn’t call me back, it is because they don’t really care, or because they don’t want to talk to me, or because they don’t want to be bothered.

I always attract these men… the ones who don’t call back. I try to understand, I try to remember that people have lives and that they get busy. But when it hits a week and I haven’t heard back, I feel like screaming.

The only way my dad will call me back, I have learned, is if I cry onto the answering machine. The great thing about him though, is that he always knows he is wrong for not calling me, and he is my dad, so if I cry he takes it seriously, and I don’t have to really care or worry whether or not he thinks I am an overly emotional freak… because he is my dad.

With other men, though, it isn’t the same. If I cried onto the phone to get someone to call me back, they would think I was crazy and then really have a reason to not call me. And the last thing I would want to do is push someone away.

Even if I am crazy.

A Ministers Heart

Last Sunday, I went back to visit the youth group that I used to volunteer for. One of my girls walked into the room crying. When I asked her if she wanted to talk, we walked into the hallway where she revealed to me that she cuts herself and that she wants to stop but doesn’t know how.

I realized in that moment where my heart is. What God has gifted me with is a heart for ministry and serving others, something that I rejected sophomore year when I changed out of my youth ministry major because I was afraid of what would happen if I changed my mind after I graduated, something I almost regret doing.

I sat on the curb last night with a friend of mine. I was basically blubbering out all of the stuff going on in my life and said “It would be so much easier if I just felt called to work at Albertson’s.” He laughed and replied, “But you’re not. And if you did just decide to work there, you wouldn’t be satisfied. You have a minister’s heart.”

A few weeks ago, I figured out what I want to do when I graduate. I want to get my masters in college student affairs and work at APU. Maybe as an RD, maybe involved with the journalism students. I don't know the specifics, but I do know that it needs to involve loving on others and helping them grow.

But I know for sure that what I do NOT want out of my life is an office. What I do NOT want out of my life is a routine schedule sitting behind a desk. What I do NOT want out of my life is do anything less than show the people around me how loved and valued they are on a regular basis.

That’s MY kind of job.

People-pleasing

As a self-declared people-pleaser, I have a difficult time dealing with people not liking me.

My freshman year, I was a little obnoxious (okay, a lot obnoxious) and I pushed a lot of people away. But after a really amazing and changing summer, I came back to APU a new person. I was finally okay with myself and had relaxed, which allowed me to make deeper friendships.

During my sophomore year, I became good friends with a young man who later revealed to me that I had been kind of overwhelming freshman year. I laughed about it, remembering how out of control I was and wondering how anyone could have put up with me. I secretly asked God to bless the people who had stuck it out with me during that time of my life.

But it made me assume that all of my relational problems had been solved and that I was now someone who could befriend anyone.

Sadly, I have found recently that this is not the case. A few of my relationships over the course of senior year have been struggling. And it is hard to find that there are people you just don’t mesh well with. It is hard to deal with the fact that there are people that you will never understand, and that there are people that will never understand you.

But it is even more difficult to be ok with it.

I have a hard time letting things go. I have a “fix-it” problem. I have a need to fix everything. And for some reason, I fix relationships to death. (Especially with boys, but that is not the focus of this column).

When friendships don’t work, I try to solve whatever it is that needs solving. Sometimes I look inward to see if something I am doing is causing a problem, but sometimes I look outward to see if it is the other person.

More and more, however, I am realizing that sometimes, no matter how much problem-solving I might try, things just don’t work. And I need to be okay with that.

But more than that, I am realizing that not getting along with someone does not mean I am less valuable as a person.

I need to get away from my people-pleasing nature. I need to stop worrying so much about how I am viewed in the eyes of those that surround me.

What I, instead, need to focus on is how I look in God’s eyes. I need to find my acceptance in Him, not in the fleeting validation that comes from searching for it in the eyes of my peers.

Because, when it all comes down to the end, it will be God that judges me, and no one else. It is His approval alone that I should be searching for. In Him, I should find all the validation that I need.