Hungry

I grabbed another slice of pizza from the box. I knew 2 slices earlier that I would regret every single bite I took, but it didn’t matter. What mattered was how it tasted. It didn’t matter that I had spent nearly two months eating a minute amount of calories and injecting myself with an appetite suppressing hormone to lose the 25 pounds. It mattered that eating it made me feel happy in that moment.

I took another bite, beginning to feel the weight in my stomach… the weight that comes when you know you have eaten way too much… the weight that makes you want to unbutton your pants, put on your largest pair of sweats, and curl up in bed watching pointless reality TV.

But I ignored it, focusing instead on the cheese, and the sauce, and the delicious crispy bread. It didn’t matter that I would feel sick, and guilty, and horrible about eating half of a large pizza within 30 minutes.

But it matters now.

I consider myself to have an eating disorder. An eating disorder is classified as “a group of conditions characterized by abnormal eating habits that may involve either insufficient or excessive food intake to the detriment of an individual's physical and emotional health.”

Abnormal eating habits. That would definitely be me, although I doubt I am as abnormal as some would think, considering the number of Americans who are obese. I have dealt with episodes of both insufficient and excessive food intake for my entire life; one to attempt a drastic weight loss, the other to satisfy my incessant cravings. Every once in a while I will try to eat nothing for a day or two, but I always realize how bad it is for me and my metabolism… just before stuffing my face with something that is just as bad for me as not eating. Some other times I have eaten and felt immediately guilty, so I will go throw up. I want to be clear that I am not bulimic. I have only done this on a handful of occasions over the past 10 years… but even that handful is too many.

I am approximately 50 pounds over the top point of a health weight range for someone my height, and all I can focus on is the fact that I am hungry. I am hungry all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. And the only way I can make the hunger go away is to stuff myself so full that I can only focus on how full I am, and curl up in my jammies and watch reality TV.

I have great goals for myself on how tomorrow will be. Gym in the morning, lots of fruits and veggies and protein, take a walk during lunch and again after I get home from work. Always tomorrow. And occasionally I can follow through on those goals. But only for a limited time. Only long enough that I have dropped 10-15 pounds, or until I can see the puffiness has left my face. Then it is right back to stuffing myself and laying around watching TV.

I am telling you this because I am looking for help. I am looking to someone who has been through this to give me advice, to give me a book name, to give me prayers.

I am hungry... not just for food, but for happiness and a desire to be healthy. I want to love the body I have been so destructive towards. Please help me do that.

Stay Positive

I try to stay positive about my future. But I can’t get away from the nagging feeling that I have missed the boat on a few things… mostly concerning my education. After browsing Facebook recently it has become incredibly noticeable that so many of the people I graduated with have not only gone on to graduate school, but have finished, and moved on to pursue their chosen careers.

I don’t want to be a downer. I am very aware of the things that make me special and unique, as well as how that the choices I have made have led me to so many wonderful things, including my amazing boyfriend, my awesome job and a great handful of friends.

But I am also aware of the fact that one particular choice (maybe not a CHOICE, but a lack of direction) has led me to being nearly 24 and feeling like I might not get to walk in the direction I want to. I want to pick up and move across the country in pursuit of my goals and dreams. I want to make big changes. But I feel rooted to the ground. And I am afraid I might never get the chance to break free and run.