The Most Bittersweet Day

I finally received my first honest-to-goodness piece of great news. I was accepted into the MFA in Creative Writing & Publishing Arts program at the University of Baltimore! I was so thrilled to receive an email that contained a sentence other than "We are sorry to inform you..." or "We had a number of qualified applicants we had to disappoint this year..." It was nice to think, "Wow, they liked me best!"

Unfortunately, within 24 hours of learning of my acceptance at Baltimore, I was also informed of my rejection from Notre Dame. The stupid thing is, I knew it was coming. I saw people posting on the blogs that they had been accepted, or wait-listed. But I kept thinking maybe, just maybe. But I was wrong. I was so foolish to go into this year believing I could have gotten in at ND when only 6 students are accepted for prose out of several hundred that apply.

My acceptance at Baltimore doesn't mean I will be heading off to the east coast any time soon. I am debating whether or not I am willing to go into around $50K in debt for a program I am not necessarily hell-bent on going to. Don't get me wrong, I would love to go to Baltimore and participate in a program that is ranked in the top 100 MFA programs, and the top 10 distinctive MFA programs in the US. But there are no teaching assistantships or opportunities provided by the school and little to no funding in an expensive urban area.

So here is the new update:

Baltimore-Accepted
George Mason-Waitlisted
UNCW-Waitlisted
Arizona-Rejected
Columbia College-Rejected
Hunter College-Rejected
Notre Dame-Rejected
Hollins-??
Arkansas-??

I guess for now I can at least rejoice in my acceptance, even if it was a little bitter-sweet. Good bye Notre Dame... maybe next year...

Semi-rejection and God Things

Having not heard back from Arkansas, Baltimore, Hollins and Notre Dame, I figured it must be time to get into contact with the 2 schools who have wait-listed me to see how things are moving.

First, George Mason University - The woman I spoke with was very kind, but had no new information and asked that I call back at the end of the week, as there should be more news.

Second, University of North Carolina at Wilmington - I have been in email contact with a woman named Lavonne and she informed me about two weeks ago that she would notify me if there were any changes. I got fidgety, so I emailed her to see if there was any movement on the wait-list, and she promptly emailed me back to let me know it is highly unlikely that an offer of admission will be extended to me, as the group of students who have been admitted seem happy to accept, and I am nowhere near the front of the wait-list. 

I hate rejection. I realize that everyone hates that feeling, so saying "I hate rejection" is like saying "I hate getting punched in the face" - it's pretty much just a given. But the amount of rejection I am getting is overwhelming. And it doesn't help that my boyfriend tells me "I know how you feel" because he has been rejected by girls before. I'm sorry, but this is not the same thing, and he does NOT know how I feel. With relationships, it's a quick pain (or maybe a long one) but it's one time. These girls weren't then showing up at his door saying they weren't interested a few days later, only to remind him of the hurt.

I am getting rejection letters and "we think you have promise, but not as much as all these other people" letters. I have received 3 rejections (now 4, practically) and 1 wait-list.

I WANT GOOD NEWS! I NEED GOOD NEWS! I don't want to sit in this funk anymore... this dreadful grey area... like I have an inability to see the good in anything good. I try to be positive and believe that everything will work out, but it's so hard. And I hate when people say, "If you trust in the Lord there is nothing to worry about." That's bullshit. Of course I trust God for my future. Of course I have faith. But that doesn't mean I can't be pissed off or upset or depressed or feel rejected or worried because I don't know what to do next. I'm not just going to pretend to be happy and "joyful in the Lord" to make all my Christian friends happy. And I'm not going to sit on my ass and not make any decisions because "God is in control." 

Like I said, I don't want to sit in this funk anymore.

Distractions and Such

I am taking a note from another MFA Blog / Driftless House lurker and creating a Top Ten Ways to Distract Myself from Obsessing Ridiculously, and Almost Sickeningly, Too Much About Graduate School Admissions list. Or to put it shortly, my TTWtDMfORaASTMAGSA list. :)

10. Watch One Tree Hill from beginning to end (yes, all 6 seasons)

9. Scour the internet for low residency programs I can apply to if I move quickly, or full residency programs that have spring admittance dates (ok, so this one is kind of cheating - but at least I'm not wallowing in my own rejection depression, right?)

8. Write blog posts about ways to distract myself from obsessing ridiculously about graduate school admissions, and be way to disclosing about personal issues.

7. Decorate the guest room in my apartment.

6. Go through the iTunes Top Singles list and pick at least 20 new songs to download... then downloading them illegally from LimeWire.

5. Drink an unhealthy amount of Coors Lights and expensive red wine.

4b. Play Tetris on my cell phone or computer until it is hard to fall asleep at night without picturing a Tetris screen and having dreams about pushing blocks into the right spot.

4a. Playing Winterbells (http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/bells.htm)

3. Work on my writing for my writing workshop (which is due on Saturday... yikes!)

2. Eat pasta even though I'm on a diet.

1.  Smoke a ridiculous amount of cigarettes.

Vegas Baby!

Danny took me to Vegas for my 23rd birthday at the end of February... (YES I'M 23 NOW!!!) We ate the Bellagio buffet, gambled at the MGM and Planet Hollywood, drank too many Gin & Tonics at the Aria, had delicious Italian food at the Venetian, walked so much our feet hurt, placed bets and hung out with some friends from home in a sports bar, walked out of 'O' with an inner tube and roll of toilet paper, and had someone walk in on us in our hotel room at 1:30am.

Needless to say, it was eventful. Here are some pics :)

Conceal

Source: My First Dictionary

Alternate Source: Steve Collett's House

Rejection #3

University of Arizona rejection came in the mail today. Still stings. Bleh. 3 rejections, 2 wait-lists, and still no word from Notre Dame. Patience is a virtue I guess...

Hope, hope, hope, hope, hope

MFA Blogs, Speakeasy Forums and Driftless House, OH MY!

As an MFA applicant, I have been wrapped up in checking several online locations to see who has been admitted/wait-listed/rejected from where and when they received the info --- sometimes several times each hour. I mean, I am seriously crazy right now. I've been stressing myself out so badly that I couldn't come to work on Monday because I had a kink in my neck. I could barely get out of bed.

The MFA Blog has a mailbag, where people post their thoughts and news on a blog.
The Speakeasy Forum on P&W has different threads to write in, ala "Damn... I didn't get in!" or "I'M IN!!!" or even "The Waiting Game... Have You Heard Yet?"
Driftless House has become my favorite, though, as it posts a list of every MFA program and when the first acceptance was.

And now I see another crop of people writing about receiving acceptance phone calls and email wait-list notifications from the University of Arizona. My rejection will probably come in the mail tomorrow or Monday, putting me at 3 rejections, 2 wait-lists, 0 acceptances, and only 1 sliver of hope that I will get in somewhere with funding, which just so happens to be a school that only accepts 6 people per genre and is in the top 25 in the country----- Notre Dame.

God Help Me

Columbia and the Smoking Hiatus

I received yet another rejection last night. Columbia College Chicago has officially declared my writing less than worthy of their MFA in Fiction Writing program. I realize that my ultimate goal revolves around teaching Memoir, Non-Fiction, Autobiography, etc, but the MFA at Columbia has a dual degree option, combining an MFA in Fiction Writing with an MA in Teaching Writing. It was such a beautiful idea. And now it is gone. I thought the rejections would get easier as they came, but of course that was a lofty ideal. The sting is just as sharp.

This news brings my current status to Rejections-2, Wait-Lists-2, No Word-5. Bleh. And still no word from Notre Dame. Patience.

The sadness I felt from hearing the rejection letter as Danny read it to me over the phone could only be cured by experiencing true joy, in it's purest of forms. By this I mean (drum roll) a trip to In-N-Out. Yes, I know... what about the diet? Er, excuse me... life-style change? I figured I deserved a break from all of the rejection, and In-N-Out is the best place to take a break. Of course, Danny and I agreed to roll our fat asses out of bed this morning and hit the gym to ease the damage. After 1 hour of cardio and ab workouts, I felt like I was going to hack my brains out from all the coughing.

Hence, the reference to smoking in the title. Yes, my dear friends and creepy stalker readers, it is that time. As much as I enjoy sucking in the warm taste of tobacco and feeling the rush of nicotine-ey goodness, I have decided to take a smoking hiatus. If I really want to lose weight... If I want to be able to get out of bed in the morning and not feel like the King of Nasal Problems is wrapping himself around my face... I need to call it quits. I am not promising forever - just 30 days. I figure if I allow myself the idea that I can smoke again one day, it might be a little easier than the word FOREVER, which drives me insane. But the true hope is that when I wake up on April 11th I will think to myself, "maybe just one more day."

Wait-List #2 + Fun Trip Things!!!

I broke down yesterday and called all of the schools I have yet to hear from. I felt it was my right as an applicant not to have a hernia over waiting. Here is what I was told:

Arizona: no admissions decisions for creative non-fiction have been sent out (yay!)

Baltimore: no admissions decisions have been made (double yay!)

Columbia: some admissions decisions have been sent out, but not all (not as big of a yay, but still good)

George Mason: wait-listed and midway on the list, meaning i have a 25-30% chance of getting in... the email was sent to the wrong address (awesome!)

Hollins: no admissions decisions have been made (cool!)

Notre Dame: no admissions decisions for prose have been made (BEST NEWS EVER!!!)

So I can breathe now, knowing I haven't been completely rejected. And now I still have hope for Notre Dame!! FINGERS CROSSED!!!

Also on the "news" front - Danny and I have purchased tickets to visit our friends Tucker and Amanda in South Carolina during the first week of May! We are so excited. Tucker and Amanda are two really great people. We can't wait to see them and experience Charleston and Myrtle Beach. And what is also pretty great is that if I end up getting admitted to any of the above schools, we are taking a long enough trip that I could fly to visit one of them one day while we are out there! So much fun!

New News

So I may have spoken too quickly the other day. It looks like the University of Arizona has not yet notified any fiction/non fiction applications of acceptances as of yet. Sad new though: Notre Dame notified their acceptances yesterday. So here are the stats as of now:

University of North Carolina-Wilmington (waitlisted)

Hunter College (rejected)

Columbia College Chicago (assumed rejection)

George Mason University (assumed rejection)

University of Arkansas (assumed rejection)

University of Notre Dame (assumed rejection)

Hollins University

University of Arizona

University of Baltimore

I have officially decided that if I do not get in anywhere, I will take a deep breath, keep writing and apply again next year.

Application Status

As someone who has been obsessing over Driftless House and Poets and Writers Speakeasy forums, I have gotten a brutal dose of reality. My top choice schools have already dished out what I can assume is most of their acceptances. Here is where I currently stand:

University of North Carolina-Wilmington (waitlisted)

Hunter College (rejected)

Columbia College Chicago (assumed rejection)

George Mason University (assumed rejection)

University of Arizona (assumed rejection)

University of Arkansas (assumed rejection)

Hollins University

University of Baltimore

University of Notre Dame

The final 3 on the list are the only schools who have yet to send out any acceptances. Thank God one of them is my top choice. I really hope I end up lucky on this one....

Discouraged, Yet Hopeful

I have felt incredibly discouraged about not hearing anything from the other 7 graduate schools I have applied to, especially since I have seen on Poets and Writers that several people have been accepted to the schools and programs I applied to. Part of me thinks I should throw in the towel and resign my hopes of getting in anywhere. It would help make it a lot less painful when I get 7 rejection letters, or notices of being placed on a wait-list, which isn't any more fulfilling than not getting in.

But another part of me truly believes I am a gifted and talented writer. Another part of me knows I have what it takes to make it in an MFA program and get out of it exactly what I am looking for. I need to believe in myself more - in my talent and my desire. Maybe that will help me along a little bit.

The Waiting Game

The University of North Carolina-Wilmington sent me a pleasant email letting me know I am on the wait-list. It is better than the rejection I received from Hunter College, of course, but it still doesn't provide me with any answers.

This in-between feeling I am experiencing right now is so frustrating. I don't know where my life is headed, if it's headed anywhere at all. Even the school who has provided me with something other than a rejection has not given me any insight as to what my future may hold.

Looks like the waiting game is all that's out there for me right now.

Rejection #1

The first rejection came today from Hunter College in New York City. It stung a lot more than I thought it would. I opened up my email and there it was… 

From: Hunter College Graduate School 

Subject: Your Decision Is Available Online Now

I was terrified, but at the same time, ecstatic. It’s only March 2nd. It MUST be an acceptance, right? Of course I was wrong and after just a few seconds my dream of living and writing in New York City, which I have ached for over the past 3 years, was quickly and suddenly shattered.

It gave me a bit of a shake down. My confidence in my application materials has plummeted. My GRE scores weren’t high enough… my personal statement lacked any kind of personality… my writing samples were interesting but immature… the list keeps going.

I wonder how much longer I will feel this way. Hopefully the next bit of news I receive is positive so I don’t keep spiraling downwards.