The Clutches of Adulthood

I feel broken.
I feel absolutely terrified.

My future is creeping closer and closer and there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do to prevent it from swallowing me whole. I go back and forth with whether or not I am prepared for the clutches of adulthood, whether I am going to succeed at taking full responsibility for myself or crumble and fail miserably.

My heart soars when I recognize the fact that I am completely finished with the monotony of papers, lectures and tedious busywork that is college. But then I think of the day in and day out of a full-time job. What am I really looking for?

I know I am meant for something. I know that I wasn’t made with the desire to serve others with my whole heart for no reason. But how do I go about finding my path? How am I supposed to decide at 21 years old what it is I was designed to do? My heart is in service. My passion is to love people and do everything within my capabilities to better the lives of others. Large paychecks, materialistic desires and a comfortable lifestyle are far from what I am seeking. I want nothing to do with serving myself. I live my life with the simple desire of giving. But in a world that is so consumed with bigger and better it is difficult to get by without getting sucked into the cycle of ‘more.’ And I do want more.

But the ‘more’ I want isn’t more stuff. It isn’t more money. It’s more satisfaction. It is more contentment. A satisfaction and contentment that I think can only be found when I finally figure out what it is God has planned for my life. Not his entire blueprint. But at least the little puzzle piece that is my present place.

I know it will get easier. I know I will look back on this time in my life in 20 years and think I had it made and wonder why it is I didn’t enjoy the simplicity of young adulthood. But right now, I am broken and absolutely terrified. And I don’t see that changing anytime soon.