quitting, complaining and wishing

Right now, I feel very irritated and very alone.

I decided to quit smoking. It has only been 2 ½ days, but I can already feel my emotions beginning to stir up and get cranky. And it makes me even more frustrated. I HATE being mad. I hate being irritated. And that just completes the cycle.

I feel like I complain a lot, but at the same time, I feel like I have a lot to complain about… problems that are out of my control or that are unfixable. And I know complaining doesn’t make anything better, and I know it just makes me sit in my frustrations, but I can’t help it! I have a lot to complain about… that I deserve to complain about.

UGH!

Sometimes I just wish I wasn’t me, you know? Have you ever felt that way? It isn’t like I want to be a celebrity, or an athlete or anything like that. I just want to be someone whose life is easier. I mean, there has to be someone out there who is wondering why everyone else is so messed up, because they have it totally together. I want to be that person.

Ok, so maybe that is a lie. Maybe I don’t want to be someone else. But sometimes, it would be nice to experience life free of complications. It would be nice to know what it is like to have it easy, to be beautiful, to be really smart, to have a great dad, to be amazing at something, to be popular, to be interesting.

To be worth something to someone other than God and my family.