Forgiving the Past

“Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a different past.” ~ Anne Lamott

We can’t change our pasts. We don’t have the capability of hopping into our Deloreans and heading backwards to re-do some event in our life. And we most definitely cannot change the past actions of anyone else.

If someone said that to you, you would roll your eyes and wonder what they were smoking, and maybe where you could get some. But you probably wouldn’t find those thoughts to be bits of wisdom, and wouldn’t mark them as a part your favorite quotes on your Facebook wall.

But I have been thinking a lot about my past, the events and people that influenced me and who I am as a person today, and I’ve realized that I dwell too much on what could have been. I let the “if-onlys” and the “what ifs” permeate my mind to a point where I have lost track of what the reality is.

Let me explain:

My father, the eternal bachelor – a man who’s life revolved around his career, the new woman he took home the night before, and the bottle of Patron waiting for him in his cabinet – was not mature enough to handle the prospect of a child, even at 35. He knew he wanted nothing to do with me before I was born and my mother had to take him to court to get him involved in my life, both financially and physically.

Once I was born, however, he became more accepting of the situation, especially since he was being forced into it and really didn’t have a choice, and acted in a way he thought was befitting of a father figure in his situation. But in truth, my father’s presence in my life was out of requirement by law and consisted of little more than visitations every other weekend, and sometimes on holidays.

Now, I am in no way saying that my father does not love me. I am not implying that I was the collateral damage that came from his relationship with my mom. But I am attempting to convey what our relationship is. It is something that was formed out of obligation. And, looking back, I am seeing that it hasn’t changed much in about 21 years.

We talk on the phone only when I call several times a day for two weeks straight and finally get a hold of him. We see each other only if I drive out to his house. He does not see the need to pursue a relationship with me because he knows that, out of duty, he will end up seeing me and catching up with me eventually, once I track him down, as if he owes it to me because I worked so hard to find him.

So, how does this tie into our inability to change the past? I think I have never truly been able to forgive my father for not being the dad I wanted and needed, because I have never been able to accept the fact that I cannot change him.

I used to think that if I conceded to the idea that my dad and I will never have a perfect relationship, it is because I have given up... because I wasn't willing to work hard enough at being the daughter he wanted to spend time with, a daughter he thought was worth something. But in reality, it is simply allowing myself to accept my father for who he is, who he has always been, and know that the things that have transpired in my past are unchangeable.

And through that knowledge, I just might be able to forgive my dad for my past, but still hold on hope for a better future.