Disappointment

I can’t disappoint people.

I dont mean that in an “I am beyond imperfection” kind of way. I mean it in a “I cannot handle disappointing others” kind of way. It eats away at me, even when I know it shouldn’t.

I had a talk with my advisor today, and she dealt me some tough news. She doesn’t want me to be a writing coach for the Clause. I realize that she is trying to cover her ass and make sure that the paper has the best people coaching. But most of her reasoning was ridiculous.

She made cuts at my character, my integrity – she talked to me as if I was someone she hadn’t come to know on a personal level over the course of a year and a half. She made reference to my mistakes, which I realize are valid, but at the same time she basically contradicted herself. She backed me on the mistakes I made with the reference that it is a growing experience, and that writing for the paper is part of a learning environment. How is (and I directly quote) not being comfortable with placing me in an official position with the paper providing me with the learning experience?

I recognize the fact that I have made mistakes this semester. But I was truly proud of the job I did with the writers. And, for some reason, I can’t seem to find any solace in that. I cannot for the life of me look back on anything I have done this semester with pride, something I really thought I would be able to do.

I feel like I am walking away from this semester with a heavy heart. Full of “should haves.” And it physically makes me sick. I seriously feel like no matter what I do, I just let people down.

It is hard to realize that people you don’t particularly care for have a stronger affect on your emotions and feelings of self worth than you have on yourself.

quitting, complaining and wishing

Right now, I feel very irritated and very alone.

I decided to quit smoking. It has only been 2 ½ days, but I can already feel my emotions beginning to stir up and get cranky. And it makes me even more frustrated. I HATE being mad. I hate being irritated. And that just completes the cycle.

I feel like I complain a lot, but at the same time, I feel like I have a lot to complain about… problems that are out of my control or that are unfixable. And I know complaining doesn’t make anything better, and I know it just makes me sit in my frustrations, but I can’t help it! I have a lot to complain about… that I deserve to complain about.

UGH!

Sometimes I just wish I wasn’t me, you know? Have you ever felt that way? It isn’t like I want to be a celebrity, or an athlete or anything like that. I just want to be someone whose life is easier. I mean, there has to be someone out there who is wondering why everyone else is so messed up, because they have it totally together. I want to be that person.

Ok, so maybe that is a lie. Maybe I don’t want to be someone else. But sometimes, it would be nice to experience life free of complications. It would be nice to know what it is like to have it easy, to be beautiful, to be really smart, to have a great dad, to be amazing at something, to be popular, to be interesting.

To be worth something to someone other than God and my family.

Have a Little Faith

I have been so lacking in the faith department recently. I get all emotional and upset and worked up over things that are out of my control because… well,… because those things are out of MY control.

One thing I always seem to forget is that God does not ignore me. When I pray and ask for something to happen in my life, for something to work out, sometimes he says yes. And ya, sometimes he says no. But other times, he is just saying, “Wait. Have patience.”

I have been anxious, lately. Am I going to graduate on time? Oh crap, I forgot to take the GRE! Will I have a job when I graduate? Will I ever date again? Will my classes count for my major? This isn’t how things are supposed to be working!

Last week, after stressing big time about whether or not a class would count towards graduation for over a month, I reminded myself that, even if I am not in control, God is. He always is. Today, I checked my DegreeWorks and saw that the school had approved my class, and I am going to graduate.

I decided recently that I want to get my masters in Student Affairs and work at a university. But I didn’t realize grad school applications are usually due in January, therefore, I didn’t take the GRE soon enough to get the scores in. Yesterday, I found several universities that don’t require the GRE that still have programs that sound amazing, AND I found out that if I work at the High Sierra program during the year, something that sounds like a perfect fit for me, APU will pay for my degree!

The dating thing…. haven’t had any miracle stories there. The guy I could seriously spend the rest of my life with, the guy who has told me he is attracted to me, is still choosing to be my best friend/big brother instead of recognizing the fact that it is time he grew up and asked me on a date. And, let’s be honest, guys have never really been knocking down my door.

So maybe this is a waiting period. Maybe there are things I need to experience, or grow in, or become, before the dating time of my life can really begin. And I know God knows what is going to happen. He can see how it will all fall into place. But even though I know that, it is hard to trust Him with my future, regardless of the fact that He has been so faithful to me for my entire life.

I guess I just need to have a little patience, and have a little faith.

‘Tis the Season

I think holidays are pointless. There. I said it. I have been constantly rebuked by friends and family for the way I feel, but I can’t help it.

I haven’t ever had a horrible Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or Easter. I don’t have any bad memories, or drunk, unruly, embarrassing family members that make holidays unbearable.

I have always loved my holiday experiences. I enjoy spending every moment that I can with my family. I enjoy giving thanks, celebrating Christ’s birth, and remembering the day he sacrificed his life for the world while surrounded by the people I love most.

What I don’t enjoy is the emphasis that is placed on food. What I don’t enjoy is the fact that I asked my family to work at a soup kitchen on Christmas day and my sister replied, “No. I don’t want to do that. I want my presents.” What I don’t enjoy is the amount of money we spend on crap like iPods, clothes, movies and jewelry, when there are people in other countries, and even in our own country, who will be spending their holidays wondering if they will be able to even eat.

I realize that I am idealistic. I recognize the fact that people will always want more and will never be satisfied. And I understand that we live in a world that is filled with broken families and latchkey kids.

But the emphasis on what the holidays are about needs to change.

It is important for us to remember that our family, Christ’s birth and sacrifice, and being thankful, are always important… not just on holidays.

Critiques and Grace

I wonder when it was that people at this school became so critical of each other. I mean, is it really that important to bluntly and rudely critique someone for being imperfect?

I have been going through some really hard stuff in my personal life recently, and I have found that my tolerance level for being told on a regular basis all the ways in which I am living my life incorrectly, and all of the ways I am screwing up, is at a record low. I just can’t handle it right now.

Recently, I decided to go to counseling. I have been kind of depressed and my self-confidence level has just been plummeting. I walk around with my smiley face plastered on sometimes, but most of the time I have just been down, something that is really beginning to hinder my friendships.

And the hard part is that I know all of the reasons why I am acting this way. I am a “people pleaser,” and I can’t be happy unless other people are happy with me, and this all comes back to my “dad issues.”

It is all a bunch of stuff I have always known, but nothing I have tried to work through. I have just tried to work around it, which was really unhealthy.
I am telling you this because I think it is important for us to take a step back and really see a person before we say something that does anything less than build them up.

I can’t tell you how many times over the past month I have had people say some of the meanest, underhanded, snide, rude and unnecessary comments to me. Obviously, some of that stuff comes with my job to a certain extent, but there is a difference between constructive criticism (aka, words that allow someone a chance to grow) and destructive criticism (aka, words that serve no purpose but to make someone feel horrible).

How many times have I made a joke-y, sarcastic remark to a friend when they were having a hard time and I never realized that it really affected them? How often do we kick people when they are already down?

I was smoking on the curb with my friend Jeff and some people we know, and I asked, “Does anyone else realize how critical people are of each other?” And one of the girls sitting with us said something that made me stop and think. She said, “Yea, but I never really saw it until I came to APU.”

Wow.

We need to be more careful. And please notice, I said ‘we,’ not ‘you.’ I am just as guilty of this as every person on this campus, or in the country, or anywhere else.
Just the other night I sat with my friend Jax at Midnight Madness and made fun of the girls that show up at basketball events in short skirts and high heels, wondering if they are showing up to enjoy the best game on the planet (yes, basketball is my favorite) or if they are showing up to get some attention.

We need to pause for a second and think, is this short, snippy email really going to make a difference? Or is it just going to make someone feel like crap? Is saying this little comment to my friend funny? Or is it an underhanded way of demeaning who they are?

As a school, we need to be a better representation of Christ. I need to be a better representation of Christ.

And we all need to start exercising a little bit more grace.

My Super Lame-o Vide-o

Call Back

The person it is most difficult to get a hold of in my life is my dad. It doesn’t matter why I am calling him, he usually won’t answer. I have never really understood why. My only guess is that he doesn’t answer the phone for anyone. But that has not ever really made me feel any better.

I guess the reason it is hard is because of the way I feel when he doesn’t call me back. It is like I am not important enough. It is like somehow, calling me back makes me an inconvenience on him, like he is too busy to remember, like I am not worth taking five minutes just to see if there is something I need to talk with him about.

I hate that this has spilled into the rest of my life. Somehow, I have taught myself that if someone doesn’t call me back, it is because they don’t really care, or because they don’t want to talk to me, or because they don’t want to be bothered.

I always attract these men… the ones who don’t call back. I try to understand, I try to remember that people have lives and that they get busy. But when it hits a week and I haven’t heard back, I feel like screaming.

The only way my dad will call me back, I have learned, is if I cry onto the answering machine. The great thing about him though, is that he always knows he is wrong for not calling me, and he is my dad, so if I cry he takes it seriously, and I don’t have to really care or worry whether or not he thinks I am an overly emotional freak… because he is my dad.

With other men, though, it isn’t the same. If I cried onto the phone to get someone to call me back, they would think I was crazy and then really have a reason to not call me. And the last thing I would want to do is push someone away.

Even if I am crazy.

A Ministers Heart

Last Sunday, I went back to visit the youth group that I used to volunteer for. One of my girls walked into the room crying. When I asked her if she wanted to talk, we walked into the hallway where she revealed to me that she cuts herself and that she wants to stop but doesn’t know how.

I realized in that moment where my heart is. What God has gifted me with is a heart for ministry and serving others, something that I rejected sophomore year when I changed out of my youth ministry major because I was afraid of what would happen if I changed my mind after I graduated, something I almost regret doing.

I sat on the curb last night with a friend of mine. I was basically blubbering out all of the stuff going on in my life and said “It would be so much easier if I just felt called to work at Albertson’s.” He laughed and replied, “But you’re not. And if you did just decide to work there, you wouldn’t be satisfied. You have a minister’s heart.”

A few weeks ago, I figured out what I want to do when I graduate. I want to get my masters in college student affairs and work at APU. Maybe as an RD, maybe involved with the journalism students. I don't know the specifics, but I do know that it needs to involve loving on others and helping them grow.

But I know for sure that what I do NOT want out of my life is an office. What I do NOT want out of my life is a routine schedule sitting behind a desk. What I do NOT want out of my life is do anything less than show the people around me how loved and valued they are on a regular basis.

That’s MY kind of job.

People-pleasing

As a self-declared people-pleaser, I have a difficult time dealing with people not liking me.

My freshman year, I was a little obnoxious (okay, a lot obnoxious) and I pushed a lot of people away. But after a really amazing and changing summer, I came back to APU a new person. I was finally okay with myself and had relaxed, which allowed me to make deeper friendships.

During my sophomore year, I became good friends with a young man who later revealed to me that I had been kind of overwhelming freshman year. I laughed about it, remembering how out of control I was and wondering how anyone could have put up with me. I secretly asked God to bless the people who had stuck it out with me during that time of my life.

But it made me assume that all of my relational problems had been solved and that I was now someone who could befriend anyone.

Sadly, I have found recently that this is not the case. A few of my relationships over the course of senior year have been struggling. And it is hard to find that there are people you just don’t mesh well with. It is hard to deal with the fact that there are people that you will never understand, and that there are people that will never understand you.

But it is even more difficult to be ok with it.

I have a hard time letting things go. I have a “fix-it” problem. I have a need to fix everything. And for some reason, I fix relationships to death. (Especially with boys, but that is not the focus of this column).

When friendships don’t work, I try to solve whatever it is that needs solving. Sometimes I look inward to see if something I am doing is causing a problem, but sometimes I look outward to see if it is the other person.

More and more, however, I am realizing that sometimes, no matter how much problem-solving I might try, things just don’t work. And I need to be okay with that.

But more than that, I am realizing that not getting along with someone does not mean I am less valuable as a person.

I need to get away from my people-pleasing nature. I need to stop worrying so much about how I am viewed in the eyes of those that surround me.

What I, instead, need to focus on is how I look in God’s eyes. I need to find my acceptance in Him, not in the fleeting validation that comes from searching for it in the eyes of my peers.

Because, when it all comes down to the end, it will be God that judges me, and no one else. It is His approval alone that I should be searching for. In Him, I should find all the validation that I need.

Halloween

I don’t like to party, and I don’t dress like a skank. These are the reasons why Halloween is my least favorite holiday.

What is it about Halloween? Why is this the one night of the year when it is completely socially acceptable for girls to dress like sluts? Why is it a night when it is the norm to get hammered?

I will be honest, if I had an incredible body, I would show it off a bit more. If I were 21, I would probably drink on a more regular basis.

But there is a level when it gets pushed too far. Our society has forgotten what the word ‘moderation’ means. We eat and eat and eat, and wonder why we get fat. We drink and drink and drink and wonder why we can’t go a day without a few shots. We smoke and smoke and smoke, then wonder why we have lung cancer (trust me, I am at fault on this one). And we sleep around and dress like skanks and do what we please, and wonder why we end up pregnant, date-raped, and full of diseases.

We need to take better care of our bodies. We need to recognize that holidays like this aren’t the only times to have fun. We need to enjoy ourselves on a more regular basis, so that it doesn’t get all pent up and spew out on a crazy night like Halloween.

Oh well. At least I will be in the Clause office all night. No hangovers for me.

Popping the Bubble

The Christian Bubble. Just about every student who has sat in chapel or engaged in a conversation with friends has heard this term. When I was in my first year or two, I honestly found it endearing. I had my Christian friends, my Christian professors, my Christian mentors, my Christian hellos and goodbyes, my Christian smile, my Christian music, my Christian life inside my Christian Bubble.

The only times I really even left the campus during my freshman year were to involve myself in activities that didn’t fit into the Christian Bubble: clubs, parties, enjoying a cig on the curb outside the baseball field. I was so wrapped up in my life on campus.

Then, New York happened. My comfort level, my bubble, completely popped. I lived in Manhattan this summer, attending classes at New York University. The original plan was to determine whether or not I was capable of placing such a large distance between my mother and I.

But in the process of removing myself from the Christian Bubble, I found my limits tested. No longer did I have my Christian support system. No longer did I have worship service. No longer did I have my Christian (insert word here). I had nothing. And it was terrifying.

After I had been an emotional mess for about two weeks, I met Michael. He was my polar opposite. Extremely tall, super skinny and flamboyantly homosexual, Michael and I hit it off and became fast friends.

A few weeks later, I mentioned to him something I had heard at a church I was attending in Brooklyn. His mouth dropped. “You’re a Christian?” he asked. We didn’t talk any more about it that day, but one muggy, rainy afternoon, while we were holed up in the library, he began to ask me about God. Of course, having no real experience in this sort of situation, I stammered over my words and probably made way too many mistakes, but Michael just sat there listening to me.

When I was done talking, he said, “You know, every Christian I have ever met has made me feel like I was defective for being gay, like I had an incurable disease. I thought that was just what Christians believed. Why aren’t you like that?” I told him that I loved and cared about him because that is the kind of person God made me, that I wanted to be his friend to show him God’s love, and that my personal, ultimate goal was not to ‘cure’ him or make him straight but to show him the mercy and grace of a relationship with Christ (although, I am sure it didn’t come out so eloquently.)

He was astonished. He literally could not grasp the concept of a Christian loving that way.

How sad is that?

Sojourners’ Magazine profiled APU in an article titled “Bursting the Christian Bubble,” an article about the Ministry and Service Office and how members of our university are attempting to live their lives in a way that better reflects Christ rather than in a way that reflects their bank accounts, skin color or class. The article was pretty accurate in describing the way APU used to be and the changes that have been made in the past five or six years that have allowed APU to have a bigger impact on the surrounding community.

When I hear about what Azusa thinks of APU, I either hear “People in Azusa hate APU because the only people they care about are themselves,” or “People in Azusa love APU because they bring so much business to the area.”

I am sorry, but that is completely unacceptable. It is our responsibility as Christians to show the love of Christ to all people. It is our responsibility to provide for those who have been placed in situations more difficult than our own. And it is our job to love others in a humble, selfless way regardless of the outcome.

In the magazine it says, “Students are disturbed by their own ignorance and privilege and the deafening silences of their churches that often fail to connect the implications of injustice with active faith.”

We should be disturbed. But not simply by our own ignorance, but by the ignorance of generations before us that caused people to believe things like my friend Michael.

Matthew 28:18 says “Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations…” But before we can use all of the training and Bible classes and hundreds of thousands of dollars that we have spent on an education, before we can make disciples, we must GO. Go downstairs if you live off campus and befriend your neighbors. Go down the street to the elementary school and get involved. Go somewhere!

Don’t allow yourselves to get caught up in the Christian Bubble. Force yourselves to follow God’s command, to love on others, and to serve in the way Christ did, so that maybe someday, if someone comes to Azusa to take summer classes, gets to chatting with an Azusa resident and builds a loving friendship, they won’t ever have to hear “I didn’t realize Christians were like that.”

An Attempt at Law Making

Is it just me, or has California gone a little extreme? The new laws being put into effect after the New Year have more than a few people’s blood pumping.

Beer sampling. Now available at your local bar. And don’t even get me started on self-extinguishing cigarettes. Let’s just add more chemicals into something that is already killing nearly half a million Americans a year. But the law that has really pushed my buttons? The ban on handheld cell phones while driving.

I mean, seriously?

The California State Department of Motor Vehicles website says that “cell phone use increases risk of injury.” Ok. Point taken. Now, let us think about the other things that increase the risk of injury to drivers.

Driving while extremely irritated (or P-O’d.) “In the United States, figures of up to 1200 road rage related deaths a year have been reported,” says Richard Zitrin, a national correspondent of APBnews.com.

Driving with the radio on is also dangerous. Most people would disagree with this statement. Even I would have scoffed if it weren’t for a heart pounding occurrence Monday night while driving down Route 66 jamming to “Fergalicious.” I changed lanes without paying attention to my blind spot and almost crashed into another car.

But driving isn’t the only way a cell phone can be dangerous. It seems just as dangerous to walk with a cell phone. From my own experience, I can attest that talking on the phone while crossing a cross walk can be just as “dangerous” as driving while talking. Not paying attention? Oops. You trip over the 2-foot high curb next to University Park and fall flat on your face.

And to be realistic, talking with a phone glued to your ear is not what makes it dangerous. What makes it dangerous is the people who are driving with their thoughts drifting all over the place. Saying that hands-free phones will make driving safer is outlandish. The people that are driving will still have their minds somewhere else.

And if it is simply the fact that distractions are what cause accidents, why are people allowed to drive with anyone in the car. Simple conversations like, “hey, did you see Sylvester Stallone’s ridiculous attempt at another Rocky movie this weekend?” can obviously lead to a ten car pile up on the 210 freeway.

And furthermore, why are people allowed to think? Simply heading to the grocery store can be death on wheels if a woman is trying to remember when the last time was that she bought milk.

“While I understand the reasoning behind the ban, I think that it is a little invasive that the government wants to control our cell phone use,” Kelle Callahan said. “There are a million other things that cause distractions.”

“It is not the action of holding the phones that is causing people to get in wrecks,” James Faulkner said, “it is the process of diverting the driver's attention from concentrating on the road to the conversation that is taking place on the phone.”

The realization that there could possibly be other reasons than the safety of California residents behind the new law has run through the minds of students as well.

“It is pointless legislation to generate tax dollars for the government,” Ryan Armstrong said. “Why not focus on laws to better benefit the community?”

To be fair, I would like to now present the other side of the argument. The wrong side. (Just kidding.)

“I'm fine with it,” Matthew Bell said. “Honestly if you have to make a call so badly just pull over and make it.”

According to the report by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, almost 80 percent of crashes and 65 percent of near-crashes happen within three seconds of some form of driver distraction.

Looking at the big picture, however, makes me feel more firm about my position that banning handheld cell phones is absurd. Again, these accidents were caused by distractions from talking. Holding a phone is no different than holding a soda cup or a cigarette or a piece of paper with directions on it. Should these be against the law as well?

“Ultimately, it makes little difference,” Bill Aanestad said. “Accidents caused by inattentive drivers will still happen. The result, as far as I'm concerned, will be minimal. We have signs on the freeway to tell us to ‘Click It or Ticket’ yet people still drive without their seat belts. We have speed limits that are hardly given notice, especially here in California, where "70" really means "80." Do I agree with it? Sure. But will I still find it my duty as a Californian to talk on my cell phone while driving 80 on the freeway? You bet your ass.”

At least California drivers won’t have to worry about this law taking effect until July 2008, which marks the beginning of pointless ticketing. By then, I will (hopefully) be at a graduate school in New York City, which also has a ban on handheld cell phones. Although, it will be less likely that I will get pulled over for it, since I will be the one getting run over by a taxi after attempting to cross the street while gabbing on my cell.

changing the church to be what the world needs

I am currently writing my bitch long paper for senior seminar. I sat for 5 hours in Starbucks today just cranking away and popped out around 9 or 10 pages. What bothers me isn’t the length of the paper. What bothers me isn’t that I am having to sit for hours and read about Post-moderns and unchurched individuals and the best way to minister for them. What bothers me is the fact that for the life of me, I cannot get the words to tumble onto the page in the way that I wish they would.

I am really passionate about the topic I have chosen. I decided to write about something going on in my life right now: How the church stays relevant to this generation. I see, or hear about, so many instances where people have been asked to leave the church, rejected by the church, or not involved in the church for reasons that are far from legitimate. And it enrages me.

This generation has a different idea of what a relationship with Christ is, what leadership encompasses, what worship means, what community should be, what loving others looks like and what a church should provide. And no one seems to care! The church just goes along on it’s path to destruction, believing that the only way to be relevant to high school/college/young adult aged people is to be entertaining. But we are looking for so much more than that!!!

What we want is a relationship with Christ that is personal and unique from everyone else’s, something far from cookie cutter.

What we want is to have leadership opportunities that are a chance for us to break and grow in a safe environment, not a million rules that bind us and keep us from that growth that we desire.

What we want is worship that is focused on Christ and worshipping him, not on the band in front that we feel like we need to clap for.

What we want is community… period!... an environment that allows us to build friendships and love on others and learn from each other’s mistakes and successes.

What we want is for the people that surround us, that talk about serving and loving others, to go with us to hang out with the homeless, the rejected, the unsaved in THEIR environment, not a bunch of people who feel like going to a camp for one week or spending a day handing out food or trying to convert a friend, instead of really loving that person regardless of their salvation, is enough.

What we want is a church that stops putting up a fake face like everything is okay and provides a place for us to be broken and imperfect without judgment, not a place that makes us feel like we need to be holy and perfect whenever we step foot on the property.

But are we experiencing those things? Are we really being provided with that kind of environment? Does the church even care that those are priorities for us?

And are we doing anything to really reach out to people who don’t go to church? Are we really loving others with the realization that nothing WE do is going to save them? Only GOD can do that. We need to just BE there, to love them, to allow God to speak through us. How do we intend on being a light in the world of darkness if we don’t go INTO the world? We have it drilled into us that we need to be safe, that we need to surround ourselves with people that are good, Christian influences on us... but what about the people that don't have that? What about the people who need US to be that influence. The church needs to get off it's high horse, get its ass in the world, and start loving people in the raw and passionate way that Jesus did... or what the hell are we doing?

Cultural Diversity?

I walked by the Door of Discussion (DoD) today and saw a ripped out piece of the October 5th center spread on Cultural Diversity marked up with words like “Everyone on this page is white!” and “Cultural diversity means nothing at APU. If I am not rich and white, I am not normal.”

I cannot express in words how much this pisses me off. (Well, I could do it in cuss words, but I am choosing not to).

The purpose of the article, if it had been thoroughly read instead of immediately judged, torn apart and pasted onto the DoD, was to talk about something OTHER than ethnic diversity. If this article had been read through, the person who ignorantly attacked it on the DoD would have read “Culture is a lot more complex than looking at race because race can go more off of physical appearance… Unlike the external nature of racial diversity, cultural diversity is more of an internal thing. It includes things like values, religion, social and community responsibilities, political values and issues of sexuality and sexual preference.”

So, far all YOU know, my dear friends who felt like immediately turning a judgmental eye on a university newspaper staff that sits in the office for a good 25 hours in a 2 day period to get the paper to you every Friday and works very hard at covering issues previous staffs have overlooked, the ‘white’ people represented in the side bar could be atheist, homosexual, youth workers, Azusa residents, Democrats or Republicans. It isn’t about race!! And it isn’t ALL about an African culture of Asian culture of a middle eastern culture. It is about the cultural diversity at APU. (Which I realized, no one believes exists).

So, lets all look at some numbers. Of the 8,128 students enrolled at APU, 7,639 of them are US citizens. Of the 4,722 undergraduate students enrolled during the 2006-2007 school year, 3,202 of them are classified as ‘white.’ This means that almost 93% of the student body is considered a US citizen, and 67.8% are white.

That’s just it. That is our culture. And for those of you who feel like you stick out because you aren’t white, or you aren’t rich, I apologize that you feel that way. But the truth of the matter is that a majority of the people who live in the US are white and a good percent of the Christians in the US are white and rich. Again, that is just how it is. And a private Christian university is going to attract that majority.

The Clause does a lot to make sure that a wide range of people are represented in the paper. But as brothers and sisters in Christ, we cannot keep immediately jump down each other’s throats just because we disagree with each other about the way things are handled.

The Line at Seven Palms

Taken from the October 5th publication of The Clause:



“Worship isn’t confined to chapel or church or camp,” sophomore English major Taylor Hamlett said. “Worship can be a bunch of kids that love words. And yes, worship can be showing God’s love through words and music that contain obscenities and offensive subject matter.”

Tiny white candles glowed brightly setting the mood for a night of poetry, music and open forum, as the English department launched its much anticipated encore to last semester’s ‘The Line.’

“It’s an open forum for creative expression for the creative community on campus,” senior English major Lily Atherton said.

Atherton, along with alumnus Craig Christensen, planned and organized the event that took place on Sept. 27 at Seven Palms.

An estimated 150 people were in attendance. More than 20 people recited poetry, sang original songs, played instruments, or beat-boxed.

“Being able to express yourself promotes community,” Christensen said. “Finding out what our role is on the earth, learning how to communicate and being open creatively is really important.”

‘The Line’ was one of the most refreshing events I have ever been to during my years here at APU. The most striking and painfully genuine part of the evening, which is what made the night border on brilliance, was the brutal honesty that flowed from every piece of work.

Not one person got up in front and pretended that their lives were all together and perfect. There was no façade.

They read about bad relationships, sex, drugs, failures, doubts, regrets of the past, uncertainty of the present, and fears for the future.

APU needs more of this honesty. On a Christian campus, it seems the norm for people to walk around with their heads high as if their life is going directly down the path God had planned.

But we are all far from that. This kind of honesty, the ability these students had to get up and be vulnerable in front of their peers, is a quality that Christians should feel comfortable expressing on a regular basis.

A big question I found myself asking through the night, however, was what affect does this sort of open outlet have on the APU community?

Being fairly liberal when it comes to my views, and seeing APU as semi-conservative when it comes to theirs, I was happily surprised that students were able to speak so freely with their word choice and subject matter. The reactions from students and staff were mixed.

“Most Christian campuses wouldn’t let us have this platform and I am really happy about it,” Christensen said. “By letting us do this, they are facilitating the creative process. Its great to be somewhere that lets us do that.”

Senior biblical studies major Johanna Chase had a different take on the evening, seeing the rebellious nature of college students on a Christian campus as an effect to the outlet that isn’t always positive.



“Because APU is so tight on the edges of everything, when we have opportunities to express ourselves as students without any sort of block or boundary, we go a little over the top,” Chase said. “But, I hope it keeps happening. Everyone was able to really express themselves, which was so amazing.”

English professor Ralph Carlson, who attended the end of the show to support his students, echoed Chase’s statement.

“Given our community ethos in general, it is often a good thing to do a little self censoring,” Carlson said. “I am still getting used to this century, but I heard some good voices.”

Some hope ‘The Line’ will go from a once-a-month event to a bi-monthly event. “Students have something to say,” Hamlett said, “and it’s usually pretty damn good.”

Crazies and New York

I lived in New York City this summer. One girl that I became really close with, Jessica, well... things didn't end in any sort of positive way. And my stomach has been sick about it since the day I flew home.

I met Jess the way I meet most people... I hunt them down. I pick someone out and think "he/she looks interesting... I am going to try and be friends." And we did become friends. I somehow managed to pull her out of her little bubble. We would take the subway down to SoHo and eat at Momir's every Sunday night, we trekked all over the city together, went shopping, had a little too much to drink (on a number of occasions), sat in the park for hours and read and laughed and talked about the most randomness things life has to offer.

One of my strengths, however, is 'woo.' For those of you who don't know, people with 'woo' like to meet new peeps, get to know them and then meet new people. Now, don't get me wrong... it's not like friends get less important. There is just an urge there to continue befriending new people. I am never just satisfied with the friendships I have. I always want new ones and exciting ones. I want to meet people who challenge me and make me grow.

Well, this aspect of me did not sit well with Jess. She became extremely possesive, got angry when I made plans with someone else and basically cried to me one day because I was the only friend she had and I wasn't there enough for her.

Lets be honest... I freaked. I started spending a lot of time alone and at work. And during my free time, I was hanging out with my gay friend Michael or cooling off in the library reading. I just needed a little space. We had gone from hanging out after class to hanging out all day every day whenever we weren't in class or I wasn't at work. TOO MUCH! I cannot handle that much of one person.

After about 2-3 weeks of being missing, I called her up to see how she was doing. She was rude and got off the phone quickly. About a week later, I decided to see if she was reading where she and I normally hung out in Washington Square Park. SHE WAS! So I sat down and started chatting. But something was different. She was extremely cold and blocked off. After about 15 minutes, her walls broke down again, and everything seemed back to normal. I told her I was going out of town for the weekend to Boston, but we should hang out when I get back.

Reader's Digest Version: She called me 2 times when I she knew I was in Boston. I called her when I got back to see if we could make dinner plans before I moved back to Cali. She called me 3 times (within 1 hour). Then sent me a text saying "Never mind have a safe trip home." That is how it ended.

And I don't understand why I am still unsettled about it. Maybe it is because I knew she had emotional problems but didn't try to understand them better. Maybe it is because I knew at one moment that I needed a break from her when all she really needed was someone to love her. Maybe it is just because I am a person who needs closure. But I am still sick about it. I called her this morning to see how she was doing and she didn't answer. I hope she is doing okay.

The Student Leadership Covenant

Taken from the September 28th publication of The Clause:

According to APU’s Student Leadership Covenant, Christian leadership involves a calling to model selflessness for the good of the larger Christian community. While I see how, for the most part, the covenant aims to benefit students, its word choice, ambiguity and micro-managing nature are just too much to handle. The covenant does not allow student leaders the choice to model what they consider leadership.

To be perfectly honest, the one thing on the covenant that catches my eye above everything else is “honor God with my conduct in all relationships, including choosing to abstain from the use of alcohol…” I understand the rules APU places on the student body to refrain from using any alcoholic substance ON campus (even if they tick me off a bit), but this rule applies to 21-year-old students while they are OFF campus as well. How does a “no alcohol” policy ensure students conduct themselves in a God-honoring manner?

What I feel is being overlooked here is the word “leader.” If a person chooses to take a leadership position it should be their responsibility (not requirement) to act in a way they think fits a leader. When I was a freshman and found out my RA couldn’t drink even though she had turned 21, all I thought was how lame it was the school had placed that on her. But when I found out that a 22-year-old friend of mine was choosing not to drink because she was leading a Bible study and felt she could better model Christ that way, I was very impressed, even if I did think she was a little crazy. It was her choice. It wasn’t about rules or being afraid to get in trouble. It was her choice to live how she felt called.

As Editor-in-Chief of the Clause, I act in a way that I believe is appropriate to lead the other people on staff whom I love so much. Does it mean I am perfect? Not at all. But I have the ability to learn how to be an effective leader based on my relationship with Christ, not on the regulations of an outside party. It even says in the covenant to “live publicly and privately in a manner that is consistent with my commitment to Christ and the relationship I have with Him.” My PERSONAL relationship with Christ.

It is a learning experience, and if every action student leaders take is going to be thwarted by yet another rule, how are they ever going to learn to stand on their own and truly reflect their relationship with God? They should be given that chance. While I realize that, technically, it is the choice of the student to step into a leadership position when such rules bind them, I also know that putting covenant requirements on students doesn’t call them to lead. It calls them to follow.

The College Experience

I get frustrated when I think about graduation. All of this stuff I have learned… all the math classes, all the science, all the BS that took up two years of my life before I figured out my major… none of it matters. And will what I do end up even reflecting my major?

I am starting to wonder if going to college is really even beneficial to most people. Yes, I understand that business majors or science majors, people who want to go to law school or teach math, those people really benefit from attending a university. But have I really learned anything? What have I gotten out of college? When I started out freshman year, I had no clue what I wanted out of my life. I had no interest in a relationship with God. I had no interest in school. I was just at APU to get away from my family. I just needed to be on my own to figure some things out.

I crashed and burned several times. I tripped and pretty much splattered all over the floor more times than I can count. I drank and didn’t do my homework. I never went to class. Looking back, I realize how actually crazy I was, how out of control I was.

Maybe that is it. Maybe college isn’t about the classes. Maybe it is about falling on our face without anyone to pick us up. Maybe it is about learning to deal with your own problems, forcing yourself to get up on time, knowing you can’t get wasted all the time if you want to accomplish something. Maybe college isn’t about really learning anything. It’s just about the experience. Maybe I shouldn’t be worried about graduating. Even though I might not have learned much from my classes, I have learned a lot from the experience, and that is worth more to me than any A ever could.

Safety in the Bubble

Erring on the side of caution has never been my personal forte. I run around the block at night, alone. I walk to my apartment in University Park from the Citrus Annex Parking lot, slowly, while holding my computer and purse and talking on the phone. The other day, I carried my cashed paycheck in my back pocket, and ended up dropping a 50 on the ground in front of some "shady characters" sitting outside of Little Caesars. To be honest, when it comes to my own personal and physical safety, I just don't care enough.

There are hundreds of students on our campus, however, who DO care about their safety. Events over the past year have caused the feeling of safety in our "APU Bubble" to pop. There was the armed robbery at Little Caesars and the mugging in the alleyway between the Shire and the College Center during the spring last year. There was the assault in front of Alosta place this summer. And of course, there was the drunk man who drove onto our campus and attempted to get two freshman girls to get into his car. At the end of last year, there was the alleged "gunman" on campus. And this year, there have been several break-ins in Crestview.

A lot of people already know the Azusa area isn't safe, but living on a college campus is supposed to provide some sense of protection. What else is Campus Safety for besides writing a million annoying parking tickets?

It is definitely apparent that most students know robberies and muggings occur close by, but don’t give it a second thought. Staying safe is, honestly, up to students. Having Campus Safety around is no different than having police around.

“You can’t predict everything,” Lieutenant Randy Richardson said. “I would like to think we deter a lot of what happens just by our presence and by our being proactive, but there are a lot of holes that are left open for people to take opportunity. It is a mixed effort between us and people taking responsibility for their own well being.”

And safety is relative as well. What might feel ‘safe’ to a person living in a bullet riddled neighborhood is probably different than what feels ‘safe’ to me, a girl who grew up in Abercrombie mall-ed, grassy park covered suburbia.

Considering that most crimes such as these occur off campus, it can be concluded that our campus IS, for the most part, safe and that it is the surrounding areas that are not.

So, how can someone stay safe if they care enough about their safety to try?
HAVE COMMON SENSE! I am not implicating that people who are held at gun point are responsible for their situations, but certain bits of common sense might have at least prevented a mugging. Here are a couple of rules to follow, provided by your fellow classmates:

Girls: Find someone to walk with you. Yes, we know you are buff and hardcore and can totally take care of yourself, but lets just pretend you can’t. At the very least, you can ask a hot boy to be your ‘escort,’ and score a little one-on-one time.

Another option is the Rape and Aggression Defense (RAD) classes offered by APU. RAD teaches women how to defend themselves in real situations, and even teaches that in some situations, doing nothing can be the better decision.

So the ultimate question here is are we ever really safe? I highly doubt it. I think any shattered comfort levels are a result of people recognizing that they aren’t indestructible. In the Adolescent Culture & Evangelism class I took last semester, Professor Steve Gerali mentioned the fact that adolescents have it in the back of their minds that they are, in a way, bulletproof. Nothing bad can happen to them. It is why so many of youth are shocked when they get pregnant when they used protection, even though they had been warned that only abstinence is 100% effective.

Technically, college students are still in the end of adolescence, so certain feelings of indestructibility are wearing off, but are still somewhat present.

People need to pop their comfort bubble and recognize that bad stuff happens, and yes, it does sometimes happen to you, instead of waiting for that bubble to be painfully popped by something else.