“Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a different past.” ~ Anne Lamott
We can’t change our pasts. We don’t have the capability of hopping into our Deloreans and heading backwards to re-do some event in our life. And we most definitely cannot change the past actions of anyone else.
If someone said that to you, you would roll your eyes and wonder what they were smoking, and maybe where you could get some. But you probably wouldn’t find those thoughts to be bits of wisdom, and wouldn’t mark them as a part your favorite quotes on your Facebook wall.
But I have been thinking a lot about my past, the events and people that influenced me and who I am as a person today, and I’ve realized that I dwell too much on what could have been. I let the “if-onlys” and the “what ifs” permeate my mind to a point where I have lost track of what the reality is.
Let me explain:
My father, the eternal bachelor – a man who’s life revolved around his career, the new woman he took home the night before, and the bottle of Patron waiting for him in his cabinet – was not mature enough to handle the prospect of a child, even at 35. He knew he wanted nothing to do with me before I was born and my mother had to take him to court to get him involved in my life, both financially and physically.
Once I was born, however, he became more accepting of the situation, especially since he was being forced into it and really didn’t have a choice, and acted in a way he thought was befitting of a father figure in his situation. But in truth, my father’s presence in my life was out of requirement by law and consisted of little more than visitations every other weekend, and sometimes on holidays.
Now, I am in no way saying that my father does not love me. I am not implying that I was the collateral damage that came from his relationship with my mom. But I am attempting to convey what our relationship is. It is something that was formed out of obligation. And, looking back, I am seeing that it hasn’t changed much in about 21 years.
We talk on the phone only when I call several times a day for two weeks straight and finally get a hold of him. We see each other only if I drive out to his house. He does not see the need to pursue a relationship with me because he knows that, out of duty, he will end up seeing me and catching up with me eventually, once I track him down, as if he owes it to me because I worked so hard to find him.
So, how does this tie into our inability to change the past? I think I have never truly been able to forgive my father for not being the dad I wanted and needed, because I have never been able to accept the fact that I cannot change him.
I used to think that if I conceded to the idea that my dad and I will never have a perfect relationship, it is because I have given up... because I wasn't willing to work hard enough at being the daughter he wanted to spend time with, a daughter he thought was worth something. But in reality, it is simply allowing myself to accept my father for who he is, who he has always been, and know that the things that have transpired in my past are unchangeable.
And through that knowledge, I just might be able to forgive my dad for my past, but still hold on hope for a better future.
2.19.2008
2.02.2008
The art of forgiveness
“Forgiveness is an action. It is something you do. May you do it today, because you might not have the chance tomorrow.”
I sat in my youth ministry class last week, watching a video of Rob Bell. I have heard several people in my life mention Bell, but had never heard him speak before.
After watching this particular message, I felt convicted, and began to google forgiveness and what it really means. Sometimes, it seems too easy to simply read what the Bible has to say on the subject matter, but of course, it was the reference that popped up at the top of the page.
We all know we are called to forgive others. We have all heard the story from Matthew 18 where Jesus reminds Peter that he has to forgive his brother “seventy times seven” times. And I am sure that, as Christians, we usually do forgive.
But how much of our forgiveness is for show?
One of the things I have felt blessed with in my life is the ability God has given me to love others unconditionally. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you do or how you treat me. It doesn’t matter if you are seemingly perfect or if you wear your flaws on your body like an outfit. I love you.
But one thing I struggle with is my tendency to hold onto little bits of resentment. It might be something as small as the kid who sat behind me on my five hour flight to New York and kept kicking the back of my chair, or it might be as normal as a friend who flaked out on me at the last minute, or it might be as big as a father who doesn’t call and shows up late, if he shows up at all.
How can I really love people if I am so busy holding onto the ways in which they have wronged me? How can I show someone the love of Christ if His eyes can’t look out through mine?
I used to think I was quick to forgive, but in reality, I am simply quick to show forgiveness. I am not quick to act on it. And there are people in my life that I love very much who don’t deserve to have stuff hanging over their heads anymore.
Recently, I have felt what it is like to be on the other side. I know what it is like to be the person asking for forgiveness and who receives a smile and an “I forgive you,” but who doesn’t really feel that anything has actually been washed away.
It is hard. And it eats away at me because I am harder on myself than any other person could ever be.
So let’s learn to be better at forgiveness. Lets take this opportunity to really take the time to show Christ’s love. Let’s take this opportunity to look at everyone through eyes that show nothing but grace.
I sat in my youth ministry class last week, watching a video of Rob Bell. I have heard several people in my life mention Bell, but had never heard him speak before.
After watching this particular message, I felt convicted, and began to google forgiveness and what it really means. Sometimes, it seems too easy to simply read what the Bible has to say on the subject matter, but of course, it was the reference that popped up at the top of the page.
We all know we are called to forgive others. We have all heard the story from Matthew 18 where Jesus reminds Peter that he has to forgive his brother “seventy times seven” times. And I am sure that, as Christians, we usually do forgive.
But how much of our forgiveness is for show?
One of the things I have felt blessed with in my life is the ability God has given me to love others unconditionally. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you do or how you treat me. It doesn’t matter if you are seemingly perfect or if you wear your flaws on your body like an outfit. I love you.
But one thing I struggle with is my tendency to hold onto little bits of resentment. It might be something as small as the kid who sat behind me on my five hour flight to New York and kept kicking the back of my chair, or it might be as normal as a friend who flaked out on me at the last minute, or it might be as big as a father who doesn’t call and shows up late, if he shows up at all.
How can I really love people if I am so busy holding onto the ways in which they have wronged me? How can I show someone the love of Christ if His eyes can’t look out through mine?
I used to think I was quick to forgive, but in reality, I am simply quick to show forgiveness. I am not quick to act on it. And there are people in my life that I love very much who don’t deserve to have stuff hanging over their heads anymore.
Recently, I have felt what it is like to be on the other side. I know what it is like to be the person asking for forgiveness and who receives a smile and an “I forgive you,” but who doesn’t really feel that anything has actually been washed away.
It is hard. And it eats away at me because I am harder on myself than any other person could ever be.
So let’s learn to be better at forgiveness. Lets take this opportunity to really take the time to show Christ’s love. Let’s take this opportunity to look at everyone through eyes that show nothing but grace.
1.15.2008
Religion Kills
I got really angry the other day. Jim and I had walked around the campus putting up signs about the church we are starting, and we put a sticker on the door of discussion. On the top it said "Religion Kills: Jesus is the Savior, Not Christianity." Then underneath that, it gives the differences in definitions for "religion" and "relationship." I thought it was a pretty great sticker.
Apparently, I was wrong.
I walked by the door of discussion the other day, and someone had ripped it off. SOMEONE HAD RIPPED IT OFF.
This is one thing I cannot stand about the Door of Discussion. I read stuff that goes up there all the time that does nothing but rip and tear and cause problems. I read stuff that attacks administrators, students, the newspaper. I read stuff that is not the beginnings of a discussion, but is simply a way of putting an opinion up on a wall to start controversy.
But do I rip those things off? No. Do I go and remove these things that are not helpful at all to our community? No. I leave them up there, because it is not MY place to remove someone else's opinion... someone else's ideas.
Of course, though, my stuff gets ripped down. My sticker... my church's sticker... that focused on emphasizing the LOVE of Christ not the RELIGION of Christ... my sticker that did nothing but point out that religion is not the savior...
I guess the Christians who walk this campus really are just followers of religion. And the idea of that religion being a hindrance is too much to even think about.
Apparently, I was wrong.
I walked by the door of discussion the other day, and someone had ripped it off. SOMEONE HAD RIPPED IT OFF.
This is one thing I cannot stand about the Door of Discussion. I read stuff that goes up there all the time that does nothing but rip and tear and cause problems. I read stuff that attacks administrators, students, the newspaper. I read stuff that is not the beginnings of a discussion, but is simply a way of putting an opinion up on a wall to start controversy.
But do I rip those things off? No. Do I go and remove these things that are not helpful at all to our community? No. I leave them up there, because it is not MY place to remove someone else's opinion... someone else's ideas.
Of course, though, my stuff gets ripped down. My sticker... my church's sticker... that focused on emphasizing the LOVE of Christ not the RELIGION of Christ... my sticker that did nothing but point out that religion is not the savior...
I guess the Christians who walk this campus really are just followers of religion. And the idea of that religion being a hindrance is too much to even think about.
1.09.2008
Ignorance
We live in a world where Catholic priests are widely categorized as child molesters, any individual who resembles someone affiliated with a religion based in the Middle East are immediately assumed to be directly involved with Osama Bin Laden, and Christians are seen as judgmental, hypocritical, homophobic and a bunch of other long vocabulary words.
While the benefits of our society seem to greatly outnumber the disadvantages, one downfall seems to be a popular trend in stereotyping religious groups. The main reason that these stereotypes appear? Ignorance.
Frankly, I am sick of it all.
When are Americans going to give a damn about someone other than themselves? New laws and amendments continue to cut religion out of daily life more and more. Yes, I agree that enforcing one religion on an entire country is wrong. What I do not agree with is what appears to be the slow removal of religion in general from a country that was founded in the name of God. For being a country that believes in the separation of church and state, we sure do talk about religion a lot.
Do you know why religion is such a touchy subject? Because people are so enraptured with their own amazingly fabulous beliefs that they aren’t willing to slow down and try and understand someone else’s story or viewpoint. Then, they automatically assume that an explanation of that religion is an attack on their own beliefs or a slap in the face with a religious doctrine.
I feel like we are, in a way, being trained to be ignorant. Having teachers in public schools who are instructed to be opinion-less on the topic of religion is subconsciously teaching adolescents that they, too, should just leave religion alone and focus on more important things. The fact that government employees are not allowed to have an opinion or belief, and that they aren’t allowed to express or share it with their students, is like saying they can’t agree or disagree with the color blue. Everyone has an opinion about the color, sees it his own way and believes it to be in existence for a certain reason. Religion is the same way. What is the big deal?
The best way to keep people from being ignorant is to force feed them and the seemingly easy way to handle that is education. Educating people, however, is the hardest part of it all. We live in a world where the church is so incredibly separated from state it would make Thomas Jefferson seriously reconsider his letter to the Danbury Baptists and the topic of our Christian president’s complete incompetence is run in a headline on a weekly basis. Even if an attempt was made to make World Religion classes mandatory in junior high or high schools, classes that don’t teach correctness of religion, merely information of religion, Bush would get shot down faster than a target at a shooting range.
Doesn’t anyone want to be educated anymore? Isn’t the best defense an even better offense? So, you hate Christians. Do your research. Find out whether or not your hatred is valid. If it is, great! Now, you have a really good reason, and information to back your argument. What is so wrong with that?
We have even gotten to the point where most religious people are ignorant about their own religions as well. Ask any person on the street and they will tell you they are Christians, but most of them couldn’t quote a Bible verse other than John 3:16. To be honest, even I have a hard time with scripture. It is difficult to read. And living in a country where reading is the poor man’s television, and life is always go, go, go, I just don’t always have the time to memorize scripture. It is boring, and not entertaining, which I am sure is what most of the world thinks as well.
A friend of mine, Jordan Vena, believes Americans have turned into relativists. The idea that everyone is right depending on where they come from in life, and what their opinion is, has been spreading across the country extremely quickly. The new way of living life doesn’t include learning about other things. It is simply a time to focus on yourself, and what makes you happy.
“It’s a load of bull,” he said. “That means that if you are a murderer or a rapist, you are right too. Screw what society says, because you think you are right.”
While that example might be slightly extreme, I am simply trying to convey a point. Putting up with everything, instead of doing something about it (like reading it up, or asking questions) is a detriment to yourself.
Having an open mind is a staple of our culture. Children are taught to be politically correct, and to accept all races, religions, sexual orientations and economic backgrounds free of judgment.
See that little phrase there? ‘Free of judgment.’ It means that not only are kids not judging others in a negative way based on circumstances that can’t be changed, they aren’t judging things in a positive way either and are simply wandering around blindly, cursing anything that upsets them.
While the benefits of our society seem to greatly outnumber the disadvantages, one downfall seems to be a popular trend in stereotyping religious groups. The main reason that these stereotypes appear? Ignorance.
Frankly, I am sick of it all.
When are Americans going to give a damn about someone other than themselves? New laws and amendments continue to cut religion out of daily life more and more. Yes, I agree that enforcing one religion on an entire country is wrong. What I do not agree with is what appears to be the slow removal of religion in general from a country that was founded in the name of God. For being a country that believes in the separation of church and state, we sure do talk about religion a lot.
Do you know why religion is such a touchy subject? Because people are so enraptured with their own amazingly fabulous beliefs that they aren’t willing to slow down and try and understand someone else’s story or viewpoint. Then, they automatically assume that an explanation of that religion is an attack on their own beliefs or a slap in the face with a religious doctrine.
I feel like we are, in a way, being trained to be ignorant. Having teachers in public schools who are instructed to be opinion-less on the topic of religion is subconsciously teaching adolescents that they, too, should just leave religion alone and focus on more important things. The fact that government employees are not allowed to have an opinion or belief, and that they aren’t allowed to express or share it with their students, is like saying they can’t agree or disagree with the color blue. Everyone has an opinion about the color, sees it his own way and believes it to be in existence for a certain reason. Religion is the same way. What is the big deal?
The best way to keep people from being ignorant is to force feed them and the seemingly easy way to handle that is education. Educating people, however, is the hardest part of it all. We live in a world where the church is so incredibly separated from state it would make Thomas Jefferson seriously reconsider his letter to the Danbury Baptists and the topic of our Christian president’s complete incompetence is run in a headline on a weekly basis. Even if an attempt was made to make World Religion classes mandatory in junior high or high schools, classes that don’t teach correctness of religion, merely information of religion, Bush would get shot down faster than a target at a shooting range.
Doesn’t anyone want to be educated anymore? Isn’t the best defense an even better offense? So, you hate Christians. Do your research. Find out whether or not your hatred is valid. If it is, great! Now, you have a really good reason, and information to back your argument. What is so wrong with that?
We have even gotten to the point where most religious people are ignorant about their own religions as well. Ask any person on the street and they will tell you they are Christians, but most of them couldn’t quote a Bible verse other than John 3:16. To be honest, even I have a hard time with scripture. It is difficult to read. And living in a country where reading is the poor man’s television, and life is always go, go, go, I just don’t always have the time to memorize scripture. It is boring, and not entertaining, which I am sure is what most of the world thinks as well.
A friend of mine, Jordan Vena, believes Americans have turned into relativists. The idea that everyone is right depending on where they come from in life, and what their opinion is, has been spreading across the country extremely quickly. The new way of living life doesn’t include learning about other things. It is simply a time to focus on yourself, and what makes you happy.
“It’s a load of bull,” he said. “That means that if you are a murderer or a rapist, you are right too. Screw what society says, because you think you are right.”
While that example might be slightly extreme, I am simply trying to convey a point. Putting up with everything, instead of doing something about it (like reading it up, or asking questions) is a detriment to yourself.
Having an open mind is a staple of our culture. Children are taught to be politically correct, and to accept all races, religions, sexual orientations and economic backgrounds free of judgment.
See that little phrase there? ‘Free of judgment.’ It means that not only are kids not judging others in a negative way based on circumstances that can’t be changed, they aren’t judging things in a positive way either and are simply wandering around blindly, cursing anything that upsets them.
1.07.2008
It's Quite Amazing, Really.
It’s quite amazing, really, when you see God bless your choices. Or at least not smite you for taking the path you have chosen to walk hahaha.
Before Christmas, I was looking towards my future – towards whatever it is that God has planned for me during this next year – and I nearly died… twice! I was so freaked out about graduation and grad school, living situations and getting a job.
But I think, I just might have calmed down a little bit.
I got a call from Todd a few weeks ago asking me to rejoin the youth staff at the church I used to work with. I used to work on the high school staff with some of the most amazing kids I have ever met in my life, and a large reason they asked me to take a break was because of my involvement with ReGeneration (they believed it to be a conflict of interest – which makes no sense since we are all working for the same team). But now I get to go back. I get to spend time with my girls. I get to work in another ministry. And I couldn’t be happier.
AND…I got a job the other day. I feel more complete when I have a job. I feel like I am accomplishing something. I am the new Saluda – a fancy word for host – at the Macaroni Grill in Arcadia. And even though my job isn’t super important to world… even though standing in the front and welcoming people isn’t the most amazing thing I could be doing with my life… it is still exciting, somehow.
God put some fancy footwork out there for me. He got me that job in two days. I went in, applied, took a test, had an interview and went back for another interview the next day and got the job. I don’t care whether or not they were desperate for anyone to fill the position, or whether they didn’t even really need anyone but felt sorry for me, I got the job right after I got back to APU.
I started feeling really guilty about not working for the Clause last Thursday. I found out a guy I know is the new advisor, now that Karen has thankfully left, and I am really bummed about not being a writing coach. I cried really hard that night. I felt emotionally unstable and extremely upset. So I began praying that God would guide and protect Karen as she works in Lithuania, and that He would bless Tim as he takes on the mountainous job of Clause advisor with no prior experience. I prayed for a young woman I was never able to truly get along with last semester, and I prayed for the new EiC and that she would soar above and beyond anything the school has ever seen.
Suddenly, I felt at peace and I drifted off to sleep.
The next day I got a job and felt really good about it. I am not exactly sure how the two are intertwined, and when I think about the fact that I am not going to be working with my younger writers this semester I get a little emotional because I just love them so damn much. But then I am reminded of God’s grace, and His ability to work in my life no matter how badly I screw it up. I am reminded of the people in my life that I am blessed with – my people. My loves. And then I remind myself that God placed me back in the youth group, and helped me get a job when I needed one.
What an amazing savior.
Before Christmas, I was looking towards my future – towards whatever it is that God has planned for me during this next year – and I nearly died… twice! I was so freaked out about graduation and grad school, living situations and getting a job.
But I think, I just might have calmed down a little bit.
I got a call from Todd a few weeks ago asking me to rejoin the youth staff at the church I used to work with. I used to work on the high school staff with some of the most amazing kids I have ever met in my life, and a large reason they asked me to take a break was because of my involvement with ReGeneration (they believed it to be a conflict of interest – which makes no sense since we are all working for the same team). But now I get to go back. I get to spend time with my girls. I get to work in another ministry. And I couldn’t be happier.
AND…I got a job the other day. I feel more complete when I have a job. I feel like I am accomplishing something. I am the new Saluda – a fancy word for host – at the Macaroni Grill in Arcadia. And even though my job isn’t super important to world… even though standing in the front and welcoming people isn’t the most amazing thing I could be doing with my life… it is still exciting, somehow.
God put some fancy footwork out there for me. He got me that job in two days. I went in, applied, took a test, had an interview and went back for another interview the next day and got the job. I don’t care whether or not they were desperate for anyone to fill the position, or whether they didn’t even really need anyone but felt sorry for me, I got the job right after I got back to APU.
I started feeling really guilty about not working for the Clause last Thursday. I found out a guy I know is the new advisor, now that Karen has thankfully left, and I am really bummed about not being a writing coach. I cried really hard that night. I felt emotionally unstable and extremely upset. So I began praying that God would guide and protect Karen as she works in Lithuania, and that He would bless Tim as he takes on the mountainous job of Clause advisor with no prior experience. I prayed for a young woman I was never able to truly get along with last semester, and I prayed for the new EiC and that she would soar above and beyond anything the school has ever seen.
Suddenly, I felt at peace and I drifted off to sleep.
The next day I got a job and felt really good about it. I am not exactly sure how the two are intertwined, and when I think about the fact that I am not going to be working with my younger writers this semester I get a little emotional because I just love them so damn much. But then I am reminded of God’s grace, and His ability to work in my life no matter how badly I screw it up. I am reminded of the people in my life that I am blessed with – my people. My loves. And then I remind myself that God placed me back in the youth group, and helped me get a job when I needed one.
What an amazing savior.
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