Deserving of Mourning

At 22 years old, he had everything to live for. It sounds cliché, but it’s the truth. He was a few months away from his college graduation and the beginning of the rest of his life. He had a strong, supportive family, a loving girlfriend and a future filled with open doors.

Ryan Armstrong was murdered on Friday, December 26th outside of a sports bar in Temecula, CA. The story my family was told on the morning of the 27th has seemed to change a lot since we heard the news. Originally he was in a fight with someone and he was stabbed and both of their bodies were lying in the hospital with the other person barely surviving. Then it turned out that other person lying in the hospital was a friend, and Ryan had gotten into a fight with a stranger who was being rude to his girlfriend. The story changed slightly a few more times before we heard that Ryan had stepped outside of the bar and been jumped by the other man and his friends and repeatedly stabbed before those other men hopped in their car and drove off. But no matter what really happened, the death of a young life is always a tragedy.

Ron and Debbie Armstrong have been the pastor and pastor’s wife of Cornerstone Community Church in Wildomar since I can remember. I grew up in that church. Our family lived a mile away from the Armstrong’s. I went over to their house and played basketball with their sons and ate dinner with them once as a child. I always felt so cool being at their house. They and my parents rotated who would drive Ryan and his brother Ross and I to school in junior high. Ron and Debbie love people. They always have. Not only have they given their entire lives to God, but they have given their lives to their church as well. I have always loved that church, and when I left for college, I always wondered how I would find a place that felt like Cornerstone did. So to see someone who has been so close to my family go through such a loss… it’s heartbreaking.

Here I am, sitting at my desk at work, trying to keep my tears back so the computer screen isn’t so blurry, crying because Ryan was too young to go… because a family close to ours lost a son… because life is too damn short… and because Ryan lived a life that is deserving of mourning.

Rest In Peace, Ryan Armstrong

By MICHAEL PERRAULT and JOHN ASBURY
The Press-Enterprise

WILDOMAR - Emotional parishioners who gathered Sunday morning at Cornerstone Community Church struggled to make sense of the Friday night stabbing death of 22-year-old Ryan Joshua Armstrong, son of the church's founding and senior pastor the Rev. Ron Armstrong.

"There are times when I say, 'God, I don't get it,' " the Rev. Ron Baum, executive pastor, told a standing-room-only crowd gathered among Christmas trees and wreaths at the Wildomar church.

Instead of a joyous post-Christmas celebration that had been planned, churchgoers wept, prayed and sang, vowing to rally around their pastor, his wife Debbie and their other son, Ross.

"I told (Ron) what he has been telling all of us for the last 17 years: It's going to be OK," said Mike Brisson, associate pastor.

Ryan Armstrong was stabbed to death Friday night during a fight outside the ET Sports Lounge on Jefferson Avenue in Temecula.

Riverside County sheriff's detectives identified and were searching for several people at the bar Friday night, but no arrests have been made.

"We've identified several people involved in the stabbing. It's just a matter of locating and questioning them," said Central Homicide Sgt. Dean Spivacke.

Armstrong and his friends had been in the bar for about 45 minutes when the argument started with another group of people around 10 p.m.

As the arguments began to diffuse, Armstrong had reportedly gone to resolve things with the other group when the fight grew physical and spilled out a back door into an alley where Armstrong was stabbed, Spivacke said.

Neither of the groups previously knew each other and there were no gang affiliations, Spivacke said.

Deputies have not said what caused the argument.

"The fight had died down when the victim tried to make peace," Spivacke said, according to witnesses. "That's when they attacked Ryan."

Also stabbed during the altercation was Joel Ross, son of Hugh Ross, a minister at Sierra Madre Congressional Church and president of the Pasadena-based nonprofit international science-faith think tank, Reasons to Believe.

Ross was listed in critical condition but was expected to survive.

Armstrong was a Chapman University student, majoring in public relations and advertising, who was in Murrieta visiting friends and family for the holidays, Baum said.

Brisson was neighbors to the Armstrongs for five years in the mid-1990s, as well as youth pastor. He remembers Ryan Armstrong as a typical rough-and-tumble boy who loved sports, played roller hockey, enjoyed martial arts and wrestled with his brother.

"The thing that always impressed me about Ryan was how he cared about people," Brisson said. "He (grew to be) a very intelligent young man. I guess what is such a shame to me is I really just saw great things for him. He wasn't just a guy going through life. Ryan would have made his mark in the world."

The Clutches of Adulthood

I feel broken.
I feel absolutely terrified.

My future is creeping closer and closer and there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do to prevent it from swallowing me whole. I go back and forth with whether or not I am prepared for the clutches of adulthood, whether I am going to succeed at taking full responsibility for myself or crumble and fail miserably.

My heart soars when I recognize the fact that I am completely finished with the monotony of papers, lectures and tedious busywork that is college. But then I think of the day in and day out of a full-time job. What am I really looking for?

I know I am meant for something. I know that I wasn’t made with the desire to serve others with my whole heart for no reason. But how do I go about finding my path? How am I supposed to decide at 21 years old what it is I was designed to do? My heart is in service. My passion is to love people and do everything within my capabilities to better the lives of others. Large paychecks, materialistic desires and a comfortable lifestyle are far from what I am seeking. I want nothing to do with serving myself. I live my life with the simple desire of giving. But in a world that is so consumed with bigger and better it is difficult to get by without getting sucked into the cycle of ‘more.’ And I do want more.

But the ‘more’ I want isn’t more stuff. It isn’t more money. It’s more satisfaction. It is more contentment. A satisfaction and contentment that I think can only be found when I finally figure out what it is God has planned for my life. Not his entire blueprint. But at least the little puzzle piece that is my present place.

I know it will get easier. I know I will look back on this time in my life in 20 years and think I had it made and wonder why it is I didn’t enjoy the simplicity of young adulthood. But right now, I am broken and absolutely terrified. And I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

Forgiving the Past

“Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a different past.” ~ Anne Lamott

We can’t change our pasts. We don’t have the capability of hopping into our Deloreans and heading backwards to re-do some event in our life. And we most definitely cannot change the past actions of anyone else.

If someone said that to you, you would roll your eyes and wonder what they were smoking, and maybe where you could get some. But you probably wouldn’t find those thoughts to be bits of wisdom, and wouldn’t mark them as a part your favorite quotes on your Facebook wall.

But I have been thinking a lot about my past, the events and people that influenced me and who I am as a person today, and I’ve realized that I dwell too much on what could have been. I let the “if-onlys” and the “what ifs” permeate my mind to a point where I have lost track of what the reality is.

Let me explain:

My father, the eternal bachelor – a man who’s life revolved around his career, the new woman he took home the night before, and the bottle of Patron waiting for him in his cabinet – was not mature enough to handle the prospect of a child, even at 35. He knew he wanted nothing to do with me before I was born and my mother had to take him to court to get him involved in my life, both financially and physically.

Once I was born, however, he became more accepting of the situation, especially since he was being forced into it and really didn’t have a choice, and acted in a way he thought was befitting of a father figure in his situation. But in truth, my father’s presence in my life was out of requirement by law and consisted of little more than visitations every other weekend, and sometimes on holidays.

Now, I am in no way saying that my father does not love me. I am not implying that I was the collateral damage that came from his relationship with my mom. But I am attempting to convey what our relationship is. It is something that was formed out of obligation. And, looking back, I am seeing that it hasn’t changed much in about 21 years.

We talk on the phone only when I call several times a day for two weeks straight and finally get a hold of him. We see each other only if I drive out to his house. He does not see the need to pursue a relationship with me because he knows that, out of duty, he will end up seeing me and catching up with me eventually, once I track him down, as if he owes it to me because I worked so hard to find him.

So, how does this tie into our inability to change the past? I think I have never truly been able to forgive my father for not being the dad I wanted and needed, because I have never been able to accept the fact that I cannot change him.

I used to think that if I conceded to the idea that my dad and I will never have a perfect relationship, it is because I have given up... because I wasn't willing to work hard enough at being the daughter he wanted to spend time with, a daughter he thought was worth something. But in reality, it is simply allowing myself to accept my father for who he is, who he has always been, and know that the things that have transpired in my past are unchangeable.

And through that knowledge, I just might be able to forgive my dad for my past, but still hold on hope for a better future.

The art of forgiveness

“Forgiveness is an action. It is something you do. May you do it today, because you might not have the chance tomorrow.”

I sat in my youth ministry class last week, watching a video of Rob Bell. I have heard several people in my life mention Bell, but had never heard him speak before.

After watching this particular message, I felt convicted, and began to google forgiveness and what it really means. Sometimes, it seems too easy to simply read what the Bible has to say on the subject matter, but of course, it was the reference that popped up at the top of the page.

We all know we are called to forgive others. We have all heard the story from Matthew 18 where Jesus reminds Peter that he has to forgive his brother “seventy times seven” times. And I am sure that, as Christians, we usually do forgive.

But how much of our forgiveness is for show?

One of the things I have felt blessed with in my life is the ability God has given me to love others unconditionally. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you do or how you treat me. It doesn’t matter if you are seemingly perfect or if you wear your flaws on your body like an outfit. I love you.

But one thing I struggle with is my tendency to hold onto little bits of resentment. It might be something as small as the kid who sat behind me on my five hour flight to New York and kept kicking the back of my chair, or it might be as normal as a friend who flaked out on me at the last minute, or it might be as big as a father who doesn’t call and shows up late, if he shows up at all.

How can I really love people if I am so busy holding onto the ways in which they have wronged me? How can I show someone the love of Christ if His eyes can’t look out through mine?

I used to think I was quick to forgive, but in reality, I am simply quick to show forgiveness. I am not quick to act on it. And there are people in my life that I love very much who don’t deserve to have stuff hanging over their heads anymore.

Recently, I have felt what it is like to be on the other side. I know what it is like to be the person asking for forgiveness and who receives a smile and an “I forgive you,” but who doesn’t really feel that anything has actually been washed away.

It is hard. And it eats away at me because I am harder on myself than any other person could ever be.

So let’s learn to be better at forgiveness. Lets take this opportunity to really take the time to show Christ’s love. Let’s take this opportunity to look at everyone through eyes that show nothing but grace.

Religion Kills

I got really angry the other day. Jim and I had walked around the campus putting up signs about the church we are starting, and we put a sticker on the door of discussion. On the top it said "Religion Kills: Jesus is the Savior, Not Christianity." Then underneath that, it gives the differences in definitions for "religion" and "relationship." I thought it was a pretty great sticker.

Apparently, I was wrong.

I walked by the door of discussion the other day, and someone had ripped it off. SOMEONE HAD RIPPED IT OFF.

This is one thing I cannot stand about the Door of Discussion. I read stuff that goes up there all the time that does nothing but rip and tear and cause problems. I read stuff that attacks administrators, students, the newspaper. I read stuff that is not the beginnings of a discussion, but is simply a way of putting an opinion up on a wall to start controversy.

But do I rip those things off? No. Do I go and remove these things that are not helpful at all to our community? No. I leave them up there, because it is not MY place to remove someone else's opinion... someone else's ideas.

Of course, though, my stuff gets ripped down. My sticker... my church's sticker... that focused on emphasizing the LOVE of Christ not the RELIGION of Christ... my sticker that did nothing but point out that religion is not the savior...

I guess the Christians who walk this campus really are just followers of religion. And the idea of that religion being a hindrance is too much to even think about.

Ignorance

We live in a world where Catholic priests are widely categorized as child molesters, any individual who resembles someone affiliated with a religion based in the Middle East are immediately assumed to be directly involved with Osama Bin Laden, and Christians are seen as judgmental, hypocritical, homophobic and a bunch of other long vocabulary words.

While the benefits of our society seem to greatly outnumber the disadvantages, one downfall seems to be a popular trend in stereotyping religious groups. The main reason that these stereotypes appear? Ignorance.

Frankly, I am sick of it all.

When are Americans going to give a damn about someone other than themselves? New laws and amendments continue to cut religion out of daily life more and more. Yes, I agree that enforcing one religion on an entire country is wrong. What I do not agree with is what appears to be the slow removal of religion in general from a country that was founded in the name of God. For being a country that believes in the separation of church and state, we sure do talk about religion a lot.

Do you know why religion is such a touchy subject? Because people are so enraptured with their own amazingly fabulous beliefs that they aren’t willing to slow down and try and understand someone else’s story or viewpoint. Then, they automatically assume that an explanation of that religion is an attack on their own beliefs or a slap in the face with a religious doctrine.

I feel like we are, in a way, being trained to be ignorant. Having teachers in public schools who are instructed to be opinion-less on the topic of religion is subconsciously teaching adolescents that they, too, should just leave religion alone and focus on more important things. The fact that government employees are not allowed to have an opinion or belief, and that they aren’t allowed to express or share it with their students, is like saying they can’t agree or disagree with the color blue. Everyone has an opinion about the color, sees it his own way and believes it to be in existence for a certain reason. Religion is the same way. What is the big deal?

The best way to keep people from being ignorant is to force feed them and the seemingly easy way to handle that is education. Educating people, however, is the hardest part of it all. We live in a world where the church is so incredibly separated from state it would make Thomas Jefferson seriously reconsider his letter to the Danbury Baptists and the topic of our Christian president’s complete incompetence is run in a headline on a weekly basis. Even if an attempt was made to make World Religion classes mandatory in junior high or high schools, classes that don’t teach correctness of religion, merely information of religion, Bush would get shot down faster than a target at a shooting range.

Doesn’t anyone want to be educated anymore? Isn’t the best defense an even better offense? So, you hate Christians. Do your research. Find out whether or not your hatred is valid. If it is, great! Now, you have a really good reason, and information to back your argument. What is so wrong with that?

We have even gotten to the point where most religious people are ignorant about their own religions as well. Ask any person on the street and they will tell you they are Christians, but most of them couldn’t quote a Bible verse other than John 3:16. To be honest, even I have a hard time with scripture. It is difficult to read. And living in a country where reading is the poor man’s television, and life is always go, go, go, I just don’t always have the time to memorize scripture. It is boring, and not entertaining, which I am sure is what most of the world thinks as well.

A friend of mine, Jordan Vena, believes Americans have turned into relativists. The idea that everyone is right depending on where they come from in life, and what their opinion is, has been spreading across the country extremely quickly. The new way of living life doesn’t include learning about other things. It is simply a time to focus on yourself, and what makes you happy.

“It’s a load of bull,” he said. “That means that if you are a murderer or a rapist, you are right too. Screw what society says, because you think you are right.”
While that example might be slightly extreme, I am simply trying to convey a point. Putting up with everything, instead of doing something about it (like reading it up, or asking questions) is a detriment to yourself.

Having an open mind is a staple of our culture. Children are taught to be politically correct, and to accept all races, religions, sexual orientations and economic backgrounds free of judgment.

See that little phrase there? ‘Free of judgment.’ It means that not only are kids not judging others in a negative way based on circumstances that can’t be changed, they aren’t judging things in a positive way either and are simply wandering around blindly, cursing anything that upsets them.

It's Quite Amazing, Really.

It’s quite amazing, really, when you see God bless your choices. Or at least not smite you for taking the path you have chosen to walk hahaha.

Before Christmas, I was looking towards my future – towards whatever it is that God has planned for me during this next year – and I nearly died… twice! I was so freaked out about graduation and grad school, living situations and getting a job.

But I think, I just might have calmed down a little bit.

I got a call from Todd a few weeks ago asking me to rejoin the youth staff at the church I used to work with. I used to work on the high school staff with some of the most amazing kids I have ever met in my life, and a large reason they asked me to take a break was because of my involvement with ReGeneration (they believed it to be a conflict of interest – which makes no sense since we are all working for the same team). But now I get to go back. I get to spend time with my girls. I get to work in another ministry. And I couldn’t be happier.

AND…I got a job the other day. I feel more complete when I have a job. I feel like I am accomplishing something. I am the new Saluda – a fancy word for host – at the Macaroni Grill in Arcadia. And even though my job isn’t super important to world… even though standing in the front and welcoming people isn’t the most amazing thing I could be doing with my life… it is still exciting, somehow.

God put some fancy footwork out there for me. He got me that job in two days. I went in, applied, took a test, had an interview and went back for another interview the next day and got the job. I don’t care whether or not they were desperate for anyone to fill the position, or whether they didn’t even really need anyone but felt sorry for me, I got the job right after I got back to APU.

I started feeling really guilty about not working for the Clause last Thursday. I found out a guy I know is the new advisor, now that Karen has thankfully left, and I am really bummed about not being a writing coach. I cried really hard that night. I felt emotionally unstable and extremely upset. So I began praying that God would guide and protect Karen as she works in Lithuania, and that He would bless Tim as he takes on the mountainous job of Clause advisor with no prior experience. I prayed for a young woman I was never able to truly get along with last semester, and I prayed for the new EiC and that she would soar above and beyond anything the school has ever seen.

Suddenly, I felt at peace and I drifted off to sleep.

The next day I got a job and felt really good about it. I am not exactly sure how the two are intertwined, and when I think about the fact that I am not going to be working with my younger writers this semester I get a little emotional because I just love them so damn much. But then I am reminded of God’s grace, and His ability to work in my life no matter how badly I screw it up. I am reminded of the people in my life that I am blessed with – my people. My loves. And then I remind myself that God placed me back in the youth group, and helped me get a job when I needed one.

What an amazing savior.

2008

So it’s a new year. 2008 has officially arrived. This is going to be a big year for me. I will be taking out my first official loan in January, turning 21 in February, and I will be finishing up my final semester of college and graduating in May. After graduation I will have to pay my first bills from college and will be renting my first real apartment.

And, the really big news is that, hopefully, I will be moving across the country in August and starting graduate school in September.

I have been toying with the idea of grad school for a while. I searched online for countless hours trying to figure out which program would fit me best. The three universities I selected were APU and UCLA in SoCal, and Northeastern, which is located in Boston. UCLA was my first choice. It is an 11-month intensive program and my dad told me I could live in his condo in Century City while I attended school so I wouldn’t have to worry about rent. I would have my master’s degree at 22 years old. But, unfortunately, I was too late. Deadlines had passed by the time I even thought about applying. Then I thought about APU. They have a great Student Affairs program, and if I worked an on-campus full-time job, it would be paid for. But I realized staying in the APU bubble would feel a little too claustrophobic. I needed something with a little distance.

Then I found Northeastern. As I read about the program, I realized how incredibly it would fit what I was looking for. When I saw that the deadline was January 15th, I was bummed. I still have yet to take my GRE, so I decided to take a year off and apply to go to grad school next year. But Northeastern was just sitting on my mind. So I browsed the website again.

Needless to say I was shocked and excited to find that the deadline to apply for the program I want to be a part of, College Student Development and Counseling, is a month later than all of the other programs and that is ONLY if I want an assistantship, which I don’t have to do. So, technically, I don’t have to send anything in until August 1st at the very latest.

I can’t even begin to express how excited I am. I called my Uncle Jim, who lives in Hamilton, MA, and talked to him for a while about what would happen if I moved out there. My uncle is my dad’s twin brother, and I have always been extremely close with his family. He has a HUGE house and there is a kind of loft apartment that is over his garage that my two cousins have always used as a game room. Both of them are in college now and Jim told me I could LIVE THERE if I moved out for school… FOR FREE. Hamilton is only a 30-minute drive from Boston, and it is a perfect place to live until I find friends and a job and an apartment closer to Northeastern.

I freak out all of the time. I recently realized that I have anxiety. I get nervous. The thought of graduating – the idea of starting over with a life separate from everything I have grown accustomed to over the past 4 years – is terrifying. Well, WAS terrifying… until this. Now, all I can feel is a rush.

It might not work out. I might end up living in an apartment in Pasadena and just being a waitress for a while. But it is a cool thought. When I moved to New York for the summer, I came back with the decision made that living in that big city is probably not for me. But the idea that I could start over in a place I have known for so long, the idea that I could start over but still have family and somewhere safe to call home, is extremely satisfying and a great way to start out the new year.